JINX

EPISODE 29

|Monday, 19th of February

I'm starting to forget who I really was.

I don't know. . . The moment I've been stuck in this situation, the only thing that made me feel who I was is that I am just an animal, watching closely as my hunter decides to take a strike on me. . . But last night, I felt different.

Something inside me snaps, and I have to do it. . . I have to free my demon, who's been wishing to be released for a very long time. It felt like I'm about to explode last night if I fight the urge to keep it hidden. . . But not last night.

I've been wrong. . . So bad that I've done cruel things before. . . I remember bullying our skinny classmate when I was in third grade, steal our nerdy classmate's food in recess and make fun of her. . . These kinds of actions that felt so cool before that it felt like I have power, ready to smash everyone below. . . But not until I realized my actual gender orientation.

When I tried to express it more, the more the other kids come for me and bully me. . . That's when I feel what my victims felt before. . . It wasn't good at all.

So, instead of fighting back, I decided to hide my inner demon. I decided NEVER to unleash it again because I know it wasn't right at all.

But not until yesterday.

Last night became an eye-opener for me. Well, not in a way that boosted my self-confidence and faith that there will be someone who will save us, but because last night, I learned two things:

ONE, Emotions should never be an excuse because it would make you feel vulnerable.

It will make you feel weak.

TWO, even if you wished to kill a specific person, even if you've already plotted the ways to kill him or her, if one forced you to hurt your target, you'll doubt your wish of laying a hand of pain on them.

But then, even if this situation means letting go of our feelings only to stay alive, do I want to die heartless too? Do I want to part with numbness? Do I want to die without shedding a tear as a representation of pain? Do I want to pass without expressing my emotions by saying I'm SORRY?

Because if that's what it means to prolong the agony of staying here, I would rather die with these feelings even if, in the end, I know that this is everybody's game.

I'll either lose something.

Sincerely,

Miguel.

•••

Miguel couldn't seem to find sleep. His eyes are still open as he stares into the darkness above him. He looks down to see darkness as well. He's been reminded that only evening soothes him now; sleepless nights calms him as if it's normal to feel these things he is once known as weird or unusual.

He forces himself to close his eyes as he counts from on to ten, hoping for a different result when he was a kid.

[Flashback]

‘I couldn't sleep, daddy. . . I'm scared.' Miguel complains as the rain continuously flows down from the window of his bedroom. He's only there years old, and hearing the thunder felt like monsters into his ears.

'You're scared of the thunder, Miguel.'

'They sounded like monsters, daddy. . . Can you please stay with me tonight? I'm terrified.' He pleaded as he pulls the hem of his father's shirt.

'I stayed with you last night too, Miguel. . . You see, I understand if you're scared. . . But I want you to always depend on my presence when you're scared.' He gently lectures as he pulls his blanket up into his shoulders.

'Look. . . How about I tell you a secret on how to get sleep faster?' He asks that makes Miguel feels hope. He nodded without a second thought as his father chuckles. He then sits closer as he gives Miguel's shoulder a gentle squeeze.

'When I was a kid, same as you, my father taught me this technique, and I've been using it ever since. . . So, are you ready?' He asks, which makes Miguel nod.

'If you feel that you couldn't sleep, just count from numbers one to ten, and you won't feel like you've been struggling to sleep.' He says.

'That's it, daddy? But, don't you have a secret fairy to help you sleep?' He raises a question that makes him chuckle.

'I'm afraid life doesn't have any shortcuts, Miguel. That is something that you must learn. Okay?'

'Yes, daddy.'

'Now, how about you close your eyes now and try it?' He suggested as Miguel nodded again and follows what his father says. He closes his eyes and starts to count very slowly.

Suddenly, as he's on number seven, he feels like his eyelids are getting heavier as he starts to hear his voice fainting.

His father listens. Most as the last word he mentioned are number nine before silence quickly fills the air. A small smile forms on his father's lips before leaning and kissing Miguel's forehead.

'Good job, son. . . You'll be more independent and better without me soon.' He says before standing and getting out of the room. And as soon as the door closes, Miguel opens his eyes.

[end of flashback]

"It didn't work that day," Miguel mumbles to himself after counting numbers one to ten, too disappointed to have the same outcome.

Miguel sighs as he sits up, burying his face into his palms. Through that darkness, the scene where he has to deal with earlier comes back into memory.

Brian's pleading eyes, his busted lips, his bruised skin, blood dripping, body shivering and curled up in a ball is a nightmare. . . And it made him doubt of the wish of avenging his tragic experiences under his power.

'Will it be worth it, now that I see myself that moment our eyes meet?' He asks himself as he feels tears decide to escape his dried, unholy eyes. He tries his best not to sob, but his emotion betrays him at a very wrong moment.

"Life is precisely unforeseen because these f*cking challenges are unattended; it almost made me want just to give up, you know?" Miguel lifts his gaze as he sees Kyle standing beside him. Miguel moves a bit, a hint for Kyle to sit. As he sits, Miguel wipes his tears secretly.

"Can't sleep too?" Miguel asks as he wipes his hands on his thighs.

"Hmmm, I don't know if I cannot sleep, or was I just trying to stay awake." Kyle exhales after taking a seat beside Miguel.

"Why? Was it because you're used to sleepless nights?" Miguel asks, intending to make the conversation as light as possible, but it took into the path he's trying t dodge.

"Nope. . . It's because I'm more scared of what my dreams will contain than feeling exhausted." Kyle admits as he throws a glance over his feet before lifting his gaze again, now finding its way into Miguel's eyes. "I guess I'm more afraid of dreaming than facing death with a weak body." He sighs again.

"Why? What do your dreams contain?" Miguel pops the question that caught his attention. Kyle then let his body fall into the bed as his back feels the comfort of the sheets and the thin foam. He rests both hands on his stomach as he stares at the darkened ceiling.

"Well, I don't normally have dreams or nightmares, but I only encounter them when I know I did something that my conscience is against, or that I get a repeated version of what happened to a specific day when something worse happened like they're automatically made like a CD and that someone inside my head is assigned already to play them. . . This  made me so uncomfortable the next day, and that as time passes by, I get to learn when to sleep and when to not because clearly,  I don't want to suffocate in my own sleep."

"And how long have you been  dealing with this?" Miguel asks as he decided to lie down beside Kyle, also looking at the ceiling. He feels kyle shrug beside him.

"Well, I think I was in fourth grade when I felt this."

"And you haven't found a solution for this? Permanently?"

"Figured out that it is inevitable. . . So, instead of frustrating myself to finding one, I  decided to dodge it instead." HE replies.

"Then you must be living in horror ever since."

"Well, a first, I can say it's horrendous. . . But as time passes by, it became a lesson to me."

"And how is that?"

"Well, I decided to interpret these dreams as a reminder or a representation that I should not forget these things because they became a part  of my life that no matter what I d, I'll never be able to bring it back. . . That's why I learned how to live in the moment and just accept everything and go on with it, rather than fighting back when it is impossible enough to win against it. . . And maybe, you should too."

Miguel quickly turns his gaze at Kyle with furrowed brows. But instead of asking, he waited for him to look at him and talk.

"What happened earlier is intentional, Miguel. And no matter what you do, we will all end up in the same situation. .  We will still be forced to beat the sh*t out of mister Briar. . . But you know what? I felt something inside me when I saw you hit him.  It is as if it became an eye-opener for me to snap something."

"And what is it?" Miguel asks as he feels his heart starting to throb faster. 'Am I ready to hear what he has to say?' he asks himself.

"I've almost forgotten the part that even the most innocent individual inside a group has his own powerful evil."

They both look at each other, and at that moment, Miguel feels something inside him again. . . It wasn't fear at all. . . it is something else. Something deeper than both of them could seem to grasp the meaning, but both are denying it at the same time.

Miguel is the one who looks away first as Kyle realized what happened.

"You seem not ready," Kyle mumbles, hoping that Miguel would turn to him and ask him what he meant. But then, he also knows that Miguel isn't stupid.

"I guess that's enough conversation for tonight. . . thank you for spending your time with me. Good night Miguel." Kyle finally stands up as he throws a glance at Miguel's side, hoping that he would say good night as well.

'I guess not.' He mumbles to himself. He turns his back on him and about to take a step forward when his feelings are getting in the way. He balls his fist and grits his teeth before forcing himself to turn and let his thoughts out.

"Miguel, I just want you to know that I'll be here, waiting. . . Jut tell me when you're ready because I've been ready the day that I finally got to meet you." He continues, but only to receiving silence from the man. But then, as Kyle is about to continue, Miguel reluctantly sits up, his eyes quickly finding his gaze. They lock their eyes with each other as the tension rises.  But Miguel thought of only one thing.

"We both know that emotions don't matter inside this corrupted game, Kyle. And you're telling me this now?"

"Look. . . It is not my fault that I care for you—"

"THEN DON'T, Kyle. . ." Miguel almost raise his voice but sighed in relief when everyone is still asleep. Both of them measures the surrounding, feeling any hint of anyone eavesdropping. . . But when they're persuaded that they're the only ones awake, Kyle decided to talk again.

"Why, Miguel? Why are you still pushing me away?"

"Because this is NOT THE RIGHT TIME TO TALK ABOUT THIS. . . Don't you understand what pastor Roman just said earlier? We just faced a game of emotions. . . Clearly, that's stage one of changing our perspective. . . Kyle, I'm sorry, but if we want to get away with this, we have t follow the rules." He explains as he watches Kyle runs his fingers into his hair. A few seconds later of being silent, Kyle scoffs in disappointment before walking away without giving another word. As Miguel watches him walk away, he starts to see an awkward future ahead of him, and it pains him, seeing that they have to deal with the situation he never imagined that they would be arguing over.

Why? Simple. . . He likes Miguel, and he's afraid of risking everything because of his feelings.

"I'm sorry, Kyle, but I have to do it even if it kills me inside," he mumbles under his breath.