Righting the Sins of My Past

Chapter 2 - Why it all began

Blake and I were lying in our bed after a long day. He had been out with the guys and I had decided to spring clean the apartment, my favorite pastime as being a homeowner. Even at the age of 28 we preferred the apartment life. There was little maintenance that needed to be done and it worked out perfectly as a lock up and go, should the need ever arise. Blake was fond of the guys and he spent most weekends with them, I recognize this as an escape from me, as I was never invited, whether it was to watch a game or a Saturday BBQ. We had no other responsibilities and we were not interested in having kids now or in the future. Our relationship was very much as ordinary as we are. Blake was average looking by all accounts, he wasn't handsome and had was on the chunkier side, he wasn't all about materialistic things and had his head screwed on right. Blake, for me was enough, in every aspect. We did not have the spice other couples had in their s*x life, well atleast from what I understand from Layla. The stories she has told me has left me blushing from head to toe and I felt this increasing warmth in the depths of my stomach, almost too ashamed to admit that I too would long for those moments she had described. From a young age my parents were too embarrassed to discuss taboo things with me, for instance s*x. My first period was an utter disaster with strict instructions to bath every time I went to the bathroom. Every life lesson was self taught, self gained and researched. Never the less I wasn't exposed to anything I couldn't research myself, and I hardly had the confidence to try and experiment with anyone. Blake is much the same as I am in this instance, together I thought we could move mountains, I mean who wouldn't want to once you are married. You marry your soul mate, so I thought ,and life's taboos would diminish with that, how wrong was I. Sometime after we were married I attempted a romantic night, with some extra elements to enhance what the night had instore for us, however Blake looked at me like I had lost the plot. I was so embarrassed for even thinking, let alone suggesting it and I stood there like a vulnerable school girl who had lost her way home. After that night I had decided to protect myself from any future humiliation and we proceeded with our ordinary life together never spoken of again. 

Blake turned to me and the words he mumbled were like blades cutting away at every layer of protection I had attained in our 5 year marriage. "I cheated on you" he said. I had played this scenario out in my mind a thousand times and I thought I would want the details, to find out why, with whom and was I to blame, but instead I looked at him and felt almost victorious as he was now the cause of our marriage ending, not me.  For 5 years of my life, I was ordinary, living in the shadows of him and now he had given me the ability to set myself free and I would finally be able to live my life, not in the shadows of our relationship or eachother but I would bask in the sunlight of my freedom. I looked him dead in the eye and I had no ounce of hatred or anger, I was grateful and I told him as much. "Blake,  Your own betrayal would have been the death of you had you not told me, and for that I am grateful, as I still love you, but I am no longer in love with you and I haven't been for sometime now." I paused, was this me talking? I was feeling so brave and continued "The reality of our marriage is nothing short of ordinary and I wouldn't want  you to waste your life being ordinary with me" He nodded and the realization of what had happened sunk in and it was all over his face. I don't think he had prepared himself for my reaction or the reaction he had created in his mind was nothing compared to the one he received. I decided to stay and spend one last night with him,  no pity s*x or good night kisses. I rolled over, content with my choice and grateful to the person who finally set me free. I really did love him, he was my first and only real love, ever. In hindsight, Blake had broken my heart long before he had even admitted to cheating, the expectation of a happily ever after was destroyed the night he humiliated me.