When Love Isn't Enough

Chapter 9

Pressure

Habang papalapit ang kasal, mas lalo akong napepressure.

Parang unti-unting sinasakal ng bawat araw ang leeg ko. Lalo na ngayon—narito kami sa venue kung saan gaganapin ang kasal.

Isang garden wedding. Elegant, tahimik, malamig ang simoy ng hangin. Somewhere in Tagaytay. Pinili ito ni Tita Lucy. Walang consultation, walang tanong kung gusto ko rin ba. Basta sinabi lang sa akin na dito, dito gaganapin ang kasal.

Wala akong nagawa kundi ang sumunod. Pati sarili kong kasal, parang rehearsal lang ng buhay na hindi ko pinili.

Pati ba sa araw na dapat ako ang bida, hindi pa rin ako makakapili?

Kasama ko si Mama, si Tita Lucy, at si Ellison. Siya ang pinag-drive ni Tita. Tahimik lang siya sa buong biyahe. Ni hindi kami nag-usap kahit magkatabi kami sa harap, siya sa driver's seat ako naman sa passenger seat. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba awkward siya, o dahil ayaw niya rin 'to.

Habang dinedetalye ng organizer ang magiging itsura ng buong venue—kung saan ilalagay ang altar, kung saan uupo ang mga bisita, kung anong bulaklak ang ikakalat sa aisle—nakatingin lang ako sa paligid.

Ang ganda ng lugar. Presko. Maaliwalas. May mga butterflies pa nga akong nakita. Sa labas, parang perpekto. Pero sa loob ko, may bagyong hindi tumitigil.

Paano ko masasabing maganda ang isang lugar kung ang dibdib ko naman punong-puno ng kaba at pagdududa?

"Nak, are you alright?" tanong ni Mama. May halong pag-aalala ang boses niya. Napansin niya siguro na kanina pa ako hindi nakikialam.

Bumaling ako sa kanya. Pinilit kong ngumiti—tipid, pilit.

"Yes po, Ma. Bakit po?"

"Kanina ka pa kasi tahimik. Wala ka bang suggestion? Okay na ba sa'yo yung sinabi kanina ng organizer?"

Tumango ako, kahit hindi ko ramdam. "Mukha naman pong maganda yung suggestion niya, Mama. And of course, I know how meticulous Tita Lucy is when it comes to this kind of event. I trust her."

Nagkatinginan sina Mama at Tita Lucy. Parang may gustong itanong si Mama pero nag-aalangan.

"How about you, anak? Yun din ba ang gusto mo?"

Napatingin ako kay Ellison. Tahimik pa rin siya, nakatingin sa screen ng phone niya. Hindi man lang siya nagtaas ng tingin.

Gusto ko ba 'to? Gusto ko ba ang kasal na 'to? Gusto ko ba siya? Oo. Aminado naman ako na gusto kong pakasalan siya pero there's still part of me na sana gusto niya din. Hoping.

Huminga ako nang malalim. Hindi ko alam kung paano sasagutin si Mama. Kaya't ang tanging nasabi ko lang ay—

"Ma, it's my first time... wala po akong idea about weddings. Kaya kung ano pong suggestion nila, 'yun po ang sa tingin ko na maganda."

Pero sa loob-loob ko, gusto kong sumigaw.

Hindi ko alam kung ito ba talaga ang gusto ko—o ito lang ang tinuro sa'kin na dapat kong gustuhin.

"How many invited guests ang gusto mong pumunta, anak?" tanong ni Tita Lucy kay Ellison habang sinusuri ang notes niya sa planner.

Umayos ng upo si Ellison, marahang itinabi ang phone at hinarap ang kanyang ina.

"It's up to you, Ma. You can ask Zionne—baka may gusto siyang imbitahan."

Lumingon si Tita Lucy sa akin. "Zionne, may mga gusto ka bang imbitahan sa kasal? Para ma-finalize na rin natin ang guest list."

Nag-atubili ako saglit bago sumagot. "I only have three workmates po na gusto kong i-invite. Pero hindi ko pa po sure kung makakadalo si boss—she's in Europe right now."

Tumango si Tita Lucy at ngumiti. "Okay then. Since it's going to be an intimate wedding naman, okay lang kahit konti lang ang bisita. Mas maganda nga 'yon—mas tahimik, mas solemn."

Tahimik akong tumango.

Intimate wedding.

Ang ganda pakinggan. Pero kahit gaano siya ka-intimate, hindi pa rin maalis ang pakiramdam na parang ako ang pinaka-estranghero sa sarili kong kasal.

Sa gitna ng lahat ng pag-uusap at pagpaplano, pakiramdam ko ako lang ang hindi talaga sigurado kung anong ginagawa ko rito.

At habang pinapakinggan ko sila—si yung organizer,si Tita Lucy, si Mama—parang isa lang akong extra sa pelikula ng sarili kong buhay.

I looked at Ellison.

He was talking on the phone again—calm, composed, and completely unaware of my eyes watching him from a distance. His voice was low, serious, almost cold. I couldn't hear what he was saying, but something about the way his brows slightly furrowed made me think it was about the project he’d been obsessing over lately.

I sighed.

“Always busy, ” I murmured to myself, hugging my arms tightly around my chest.

Naglakad-lakad ako sa paligid ng garden venue, feeling the soft breeze kiss my skin. The early morning air was cool, refreshing, but somehow, it did little to calm the storm inside me.

I hugged myself tighter.

What does it feel like to be loved? I wondered.

Not just loved in the way my parents have always shown me—because they've never failed me. Their love is constant, unwavering. I’m lucky, I know. Pero paano nga ba ‘yung ibang klaseng pagmamahal? Yung pagmamahal na may kilig, yung tipong ikaw lang ang mundo niya? Yung may lambing, may selos, may titig na parang ikaw lang ang babae sa buong mundo?

I glanced back at Ellison.

He was now leaning against his sleek black car, phone down, one hand tucked in his pocket. He looked so... perfect. Effortlessly handsome, as always. Too perfect for someone like me.

“Bakit ba ikaw pa?” I whispered under my breath, shaking my head.

He looked up—our eyes met for a second. My heart skipped. But he quickly looked away, pulling out his phone again and scrolling, probably reading emails or checking something work-related.

Of course.

He never looks at me the way I look at him.

I’ve known Ellison for eight years. Eight freaking years. But we were never close. Never had that spark everyone talks about. I know his name. He knows mine. But that’s about it. No late-night talks. No sweet smiles. No "how are yous" or "did you eat yets". Just awkward silences and polite nods when our parents forced us into the same room.

And now… now I’m marrying him.

“Anak, okay ka lang?” Mama’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts.

I forced a smile. “Oo, Ma. Medyo naiinip lang.”

“Konting tiis na lang, ha. The organizer is just finalizing the details. Everything’s looking good,” she said, assuring pat on the back.

I nodded. “Sige po.”

As soon as she walked away, I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.

Then, like some cruel twist of fate, Ellison started walking towards me.

My heart started doing flips. Stupid heart.

He stopped a few feet away and cleared his throat. “You okay?” he asked, voice low, eyes not quite meeting mine.

God. He talked to me.

“Yeah. You?” I managed to reply, trying to sound chill even though my insides were screaming.

He nodded. “All good. Just tired. My mom said they’re almost done.”

I bit my lower lip. “Cool.”

We stood there. Awkward silence.

So many things I wanted to say. So many questions I’ve buried for years. Do you even want this? Are you okay marrying me? Do you still see me as that quiet girl in the corner, or are you starting to see something else?

But none of those words came out.

Instead, I just looked at him and smiled. “Thanks for… showing up today.”

He looked at me then—really looked. His eyes softened for a second.

“I’m not the type to run away,” he said.

I don’t know if that was supposed to comfort me… or warn me.

But one thing hit me hard at that moment.

I’m marrying a man I barely know.

A man I fell in love with silently, secretly, hopelessly… and a man who never once looked at me like I was someone he could ever love back.

And yet, here we are.

On our way home, the atmosphere inside the car was calm… too calm.

Si Mama at si Tita Lucy, as usual, were busy chatting sa likurang bahagi ng sasakyan. Tahimik lang kami ni Ellison sa harap. I could hear snippets of their conversation—mga kung ano-anong tsismis at mga plano sa susunod na linggo. I wasn't really paying much attention until…

"Ellison, anak, kumusta na nga pala yung pinapatayo mong bahay?" tanong bigla ni Tita Lucy, sabay tapik sa balikat ni Ellison mula sa likod.

Napalingon agad ako sa kanya.

My heart skipped.

I saw how his jaw clenched—just for a second—but I noticed. That subtle change in his expression. He was in serious mode.

"Almost done na po, Ma," sagot niya, steady pa rin ang tingin sa daan. "Siguro after ng wedding, tapos na 'yon."

Wedding.

After the wedding.

The words echoed inside my head like a soft but persistent drumbeat.

I tried to keep my expression neutral, pero deep inside, nagsimula nang bumilis ang t***k ng puso ko. I wasn’t assuming—no, of course not—but still… Was that house meant for us? Ang bilis kasi ng mga pangyayari. Parang kailan lang napag-usapan ang kasal, and now there's this house?

Baka isa lang ‘yon sa mga projects niya. Baka hindi para sa amin. Baka business investment lang.

"That's great. At least after the wedding may matitirhan na kaagad kayo nitong si Zionne," dagdag pa ni Tita Lucy with a proud smile, this time nakatingin na siya sa akin.

Napalingon ako sa kanya.

She smiled even wider. Like she knew something I didn’t. Like she’s been waiting to say that.

"For your information, Zionne," simula ni Tita Lucy, her voice softer now, almost teasing, "Ellison built this house months ago. Before pa kayo nag-usap tungkol sa kasal. Pero simula ng pinatayo niya 'yon, never pa kami nakapunta. But we're happy, kasi at least he already planned things before settling down."

Tumawa siya ng bahagya, parang naaalala niya yung mga concern nila noon.

"Akala nga namin ayaw na talaga niyang mag-asawa. Buti na lang at nagbago rin ang isip niya. He's not getting any younger, you know."

I tried to smile. Really, I did.

Pero parang may bumara sa lalamunan ko. My fingers curled slightly on my lap, trying to ease the tension building inside me.

Hindi ko alam kung anong dapat maramdaman.

I wanted to be happy. I mean, I should be, right? I’m marrying him. We’re supposed to start a life together. Pero why do I suddenly feel… left behind?

That house… was it really meant for "us"?

Or was it part of his life plan long before I even came into the picture?

Tahimik lang ako. I couldn’t trust my voice to say anything. Para akong biglang nawalan ng dila.

I glanced at him.

Ellison. The man I’m about to marry. Hands steady on the wheel, eyes focused, jaw still a little tight. Ang daming gusto kong itanong sa kanya—but not in front of everyone. Not here. Not now.

And me?

Here I am, saving every cent I can for a business I’ve always dreamed of. Isa-isa ko pa lang tinutupad ang mga plano ko sa buhay. Minsan toxic sa trabaho, but at least masaya ako. Lalo na kapag may mga clients na nagtitiwala sa kakayahan ko.

Pero siya?

He’s already building a house. Planning for the future. Making moves I haven't even started considering.

Bigla akong nakaramdam ng pressure.

Bigla akong nakaramdam ng lungkot na hindi ko maipaliwanag.

Was I really ready for this?

Or was I just… swept up in the moment?

I didn't know. But one thing was clear: I had to find out.

Before everything was too far gone.