nights that still hurt
309 Words
Jessica is stronger now.
But strength doesn’t erase sadness completely.
There are still nights where memories hit her hard enough to bring tears back instantly. Nights where her chest feels heavy with old grief. Nights where she remembers things she wishes she could forget.
The stained mattress.
The overdoses.
The screaming arguments.
The hospital machines.
The smell of alcohol on herself.
The sound of her parents crying.
Trauma doesn’t disappear neatly.
Sometimes it sneaks into ordinary moments unexpectedly.
Jessica can be having a perfectly good day, then suddenly remember the younger version of herself curled up sick from withdrawal, terrified and shaking alone in bed.
And her heart breaks for that girl now.
Not because she excuses everything she did.
But because she understands how lost she truly was.
Addiction made Jessica hate herself deeply for many years. She thought pain was all she deserved. Thought self-destruction was inevitable. Thought maybe she was simply born broken somehow.
Now she knows differently.
Now she knows hurt people often hurt themselves first.
And Jessica was hurting long before substances entered her life.
That realization softened her toward herself in ways she never expected.
Still, sorrow visits her sometimes.
Especially at night.
Nighttime leaves too much room for thinking.
She thinks about how many people she scared. How many chances she almost wasted permanently. How close Elijah came to never knowing his mother.
That thought destroys her every single time.
Because if one overdose had gone differently…
If the accident had ended slightly worse…
If doctors stopped fighting…
Elijah would grow up with stories instead of memories.
Jessica can’t even fully process that reality without tearing up.
So yes, some nights still hurt deeply.
But unlike before, she no longer runs from the pain.
She lets herself feel it now.
And somehow, feeling everything honestly hurts less than numbing it ever did.
- Writer
