Finally

Chapter 9 - Disaster

By Saturday night, the night we planned to finally consummate our relationship I was more than ready. I’d bought the sexiest red lace underwear I could find and cooked a light meal so we wouldn't be too full and uncomfortable.  I wore a simple dress over the lingerie that was quick and easy to remove to avoid any awkward fumbling. 

I knew he’d be worth waiting for, a man that hot can only be amazing in bed right? If he was nervous I could help him with that, I wasn’t shy when it came to s*x and I enjoyed taking the lead.

I always openly enjoyed s*x and am relatively confident about my body. I have long legs and a small waist, the few stretch marks I have on my thighs aren’t that visible anymore and my breasts are large for my size and a good shape. I got that blessing from my mother’s side of the family, thank you genes!

A knock on my door signals Adam’s arrival, I let him in and greet him with a quick kiss. He takes off his black jacket and I invite him to sit at the table to eat the pasta salad I’d made from scratch. He looks nervous throughout the dinner, which surprises me, but he seems impressed with my culinary skills and makes approving noises as he tastes it. He looks up at me and smiles shyly, it's adorable but he looks at me like I’m going to eat him alive!

Then again looking as good as he does right now in his tight ripped jeans and dark blue t-shirt I just might.

End of flashback.

“It was a total disaster,” I admit to Michelle.

“Why?” She asks curiously.

“He couldn’t even get hard. He told me it wasn’t that he didn’t like me, he was still messed up from his last relationship and he wasn’t ready to be physical yet. Either way I was incredibly disappointed and it knocked my confidence.”

“You took it personally?” She asks.

“How could I not?” I respond. “I’d never had that happen before with anyone and I already felt like he was way out of my league so at this point and I thought I just wasn’t attractive enough. He reassured me, but it didn’t help much.”

“I’m assuming you eventually move passed these issues?” She asks with a small frown. She looks adorable with her tiny features scrunched up, I think it’s why I’m so comfortable around her, she looks so cute and harmless.

“Yes, when we finally got it on it was amazing and I was so turned on by him every time. He had an amazing body and I worshipped it as often as I could and I was insatiable. I could see his ex had given him a lot of issues, but I was prepared to help him through them.”

“What did he tell you about his ex?”

“He said she was manipulative and when he ended things she took it badly and stalked him, she wouldn’t stop constantly messaging and calling, over time it drove him crazy and he seemed really affected by it. He told me she really messed with his head and I couldn’t help feeling angry on his behalf,” I explained.

“Did you go public with your relationship once it became physical?” Michelle enquires.

“Yes, once we started sleeping together it seemed silly not to, but we didn't want to announce it so we decided to just be less discreet.  He would sometimes email me and say he was getting coffee and suggest I followed then we’d kiss in the break room if it was empty. We had been doing a terrible job of keeping it a secret so we just gave up trying, but short of a full on mid office PDA it was hard to make it known. One day after he’d stayed over at my place, we walked in holding hands and he kissed me taking my by surprise as we went our separate ways to our own desks. Enough people saw it that by lunchtime the whole office knew!”

“How did that feel?” Michelle asks me.

“Amazing, most of the young women in the office were ridiculously jealous, which I loved and his team gave him a hard time for about two hours before finally being supportive,” I laugh. “Life was starting to look great for both of us, I was blissfully happy for the first time in a very long time.”Michelle interrupts my day dream of happier times.

“It’s almost time for today, but I was curious to know, have you spoken to your parents recently?”

“They call me at the same time twice a week to see how I’m doing. It feels forced and obligatory, but at least they care enough to check if I’m dead or not occasionally,” I reply with a flat unemotional tone.

“I’m sure they do care about you Zara,” reassures the pixie who has never even met my parents and therefore knows nothing.

“They have an interesting way of showing it,” I grumble.

“Is there anything else you want to discuss today?” She asks steering me away from angry thoughts about my parents.

“I want to reduce my meds now. I need to get a job and start to recover, but I can’t do that being in this haze all the time,” I admit.

“Do you feel ready for that?” She asks clearly surprised.

“I do. I need to start digging my way out of this enormous hole I’m in and that will only start when I have a job and as a result money and independence and when I can feel things again.”

“Ok, well we’ll reduce the benzodiazepines gradually, but you must keep taking the full dose of the other meds ok? I’ll give you a withdrawal plan but make sure you stick to it or you’ll end up back to square one,” she advises cautiously.

“Ok, thanks,” I say feeling more positive than I have for ages.

This is the first step on the ladder I need to climb to get out of this dark hole and move on. After everything I’ve been through and survived I know I can do this. My numerous dramatic experiences in my short 23 years haven’t killed me yet so I must be far stronger than I gave myself credit for.

I'm drawing a line right now and deciding that today is just the first day of the rest of my life, things can only get better now.