Finally

Chapter 12 - Too Demanding

I’m back once again in the bland room, sat on the blue cushioned chair opposite the pixie, pouring out the embarrassing details of my dark past.  Telling this cute stranger things I wouldn't dream of telling anyone, not even my closest friends.

“So how was your weekend?” She asks me kindly with a warm smile, her twinkling eyes and sweet nature always put me at ease in an instant.  This woman is definitely in the right job.

“Not bad, I got a part time job at an accountants that I am due to start Monday, it's only a few hours and easy work, but it's a start and I had a date yesterday,” I tell her proudly.  I've made some progress since our last session and I hope she will approve. 

“Congratulations on the job, that’s great news. A date? How did that go?” She asks trying to hide her concern, but the slight change of her expression when changing topics was noticeable. 

“It was fun, but he was pretty much looking for a wife so we decided to leave it there,” I say with a laugh. 

“At least you got out and had fun,” she agrees then suddenly gets more serious. “Last time I saw you we were discussing your relationship with Adam. How did the relationship change over time?”

Flashback:

Adam always complains about his best friend and the band’s bass player George’s girlfriend Fumi. She’s Japanese and her English isn’t great, so he doesn't make much effort to get to know her.  She’s dainty and beautiful and actually really sweet, but Adam thinks she too demanding and has a negative effect on the band. 

It makes me determined not to be 'too demanding' and I work hard to make sure he doesn’t miss a band practice because of me. I don’t want anyone resenting me like he does with Fumi. 

At work he’s quite reserved with me, he doesn’t like public displays of affection and I don’t push him even though I'm quite an openly affectionate and tactile person. 

It’s a slow Monday morning at my desk and I receive an email from him which takes me by complete surprise. In fact, I’m plain shocked!

From: Adam Williams 

To: Zara Harris

Subject: Porn Clips

My eyes widen and I almost choke on the sharp intake of breath that I suck in involuntarily.  

What the hell is this?! Do I dare to open it? I look over to his desk and he’s smirking then laughs openly at the look on my face. He smiles reassuringly and nods so I open the email and it’s a photo of two paper clips, one blue and one pink bent so I looks as if the pink one is giving the blue one a blow job. It’s funny and I’m relieved it’s not what I thought! Not at work anyway! 

My reply is simply:

You s**t!

I look over at him and narrow my eyes but he smirks even more and laughs again. 

He sends another emails titled: Your Face. 

I open it and it’s a photo of the painting The Scream by Edvard Munch. 

He then sends me a more sensible email:

What do you want to do this weekend?

I reply:

Maybe Saturday we could go to Mr Smiths and see a band? There’s a deal I just got sent 2-for-1 on cocktails until 8pm. 

He replies: sure

End of flashback. 

“He missed band practice to go to Mr Smiths with me and everyone was pissed because of it. I didn’t even know they had a rehearsal, but it was somehow my fault. That was the first of many times I felt like I was in the way or had caused trouble,” I tell Michelle. 

“Do you still think it was your fault?” She asks probing. 

“No, but it didn’t stop me taking the blame and apologising to everyone.”

“Were there other warning signs” 

“Yes. He regularly talked about his ex. I encouraged it, thinking he needed to talk about what he went through,” I admit. 

“What did he tell you about her?”

“He said she had body issues so he used to take her to the gym with him. He told me how thanks to him she ended up with an amazing body, a washboard stomach and super toned legs. It made me think about my body and I’d ask him what I could work on when I also eventually ended up going with him. It started very slowly, but over time I became obsessed. I didn’t see what he was doing until it was too late. By then I’d lost all my confidence and my idea of perfection kept moving further and further away.  I'd always been happy with my body, but his 'helpful' comments on what I could work on got into my head and made me start to hate myself.” 

“How do you feel about your body now?” 

“I’ve still a long way to go, but I’m starting to accept it. I think I’ll always have hang ups, but at least I’m not obsessed with having surgery any more.”

“That’s positive,” she encourages. 

“There were so many arguments and each time I’d start off angry and I wouldn’t know why I was wrong, but I knew somehow that I was. I’d always end up crying apologetically with no idea how I’d got to that point. It made me sink back into the depression I thought I’d left behind once I stopped having the TIAs.”

“Did he know about the attack?” She asks. 

“Yes, I told him fairly early on in our relationship because I was still having medical treatment when we met. He was supportive and understanding at first, but now I think he saw it more as a weakness, a vulnerability that he could exploit. I now feel like the second he knew he used that information to play mind games with me.” 

“So you think he was aware of what he was doing and he was purposely manipulative?” 

“I do now, it was my friend Alice who pointed it out. She called me up one day after the accident and asked me if I knew what gas lighting was.”