Destined to be in Paris when it happened

PARIS IS ALWAYS ON

It"s a week before Christmas and the first snowfall of winter had already fallen in the northern hemisphere. I am sitting in my rocking chair which is the first thing that I have bought for myself after moving to London. It has been an year since I left my apartment in Dubai and probably the hardest thing I had ever done, leaving behind all the memories of my lover who is no longer with me to fill that apartment with her selfless love and intense care. There was no point staying there now, after her sickness sucked the life out of her, after she was incurred to that excruciating pain and suffering. AMAARA was the best person I ever met and the one who loved me like no other women ever did. She was the first one who truly fell for me and sometimes I felt this guilt that maybe I never loved her the same way she loved me , maybe I was not able to provide her with the same affection and attention as she did. I admired her beauty and her intense feelings for me. I respected her decisions and was proud of her for so many unexplainable reasons. I loved her for the way she was but I knew that I never reciprocated the feeling of love in the same manner. In fact ,she knew that I won"t be able to and still she chose to spend her entire life with me but little did she know that I would take the time out of her life and she"ll leave me alone on this journey to fight with this world. I never married this women and she never insisted but I was his everything and there were moments when she was mine and in such moments she used to smile knowing my utmost attempt to love her but my failure at pretension of it. I may not have loved her like I should have but she was my only strength ,holding my broken parts and keeping my soul from breaking apart and together we both created our perfect little world and lived in it for as long as we could and then destiny intervened and both of us were forced to separate and I was only left with her memories and her last words forced me into moving away from her and ahead in life.

It"s 9:00 in the morning and like every other day before leaving for work I am sitting in my rocking chair with AMAARA"s last smiling photo in my hands and just cherishing her beauty and her gist for enjoying life on daily basis. I loved her idea of living one day at a time and was following the same routine for myself for over an year of my stay in another empty apartment in London. I always wanted to stay in London and even had the photos of the Big Ben and London"s eye in my very first childhood journal which had all of my smallest dreams and biggest desires scribbled in it, locked away from the reach of my growing self . I always had bigger plans for myself but I was not aware that I would have to sacrifice so much in order to arrive at my so thought, final destination.

I always questioned myself of one thought that continuously resurfaced from my sub-conscious mind every time I felt lonely or depressed.

"What is the most important thing in my life?

"

And each time I asked myself this question I used to come up with different answers every time. But all I cared about now ,was my work and the time spent with AMAARA and maybe a few other important people who joined me in this journey of conquering my dreams but it was all in the past now and my destiny was meant to be this way.

9:10 am

I go to my bedroom and get rid of my dark grey robe, I dress myself in a white cotton shirt and grey pair of pants, I put on my grey trench coat with gainsboro scarf since I had fallen in love with the shades of grey. I take my phone and my laptop and leave my place under the care of Mrs. Dursley, the only women who looks after me while I was inside my place and later my bungalow after I leave for work . I found Ms.Vivian, my secretary and my only true friend that was left , waiting for me outside, near the exit gate of my bungalow like every typical working day. She was a punctual lady and seldom had it happened that she was late for work. She used to brief me up for the tasks of the day and regarding all the meetings and events I had to attend in order to expand my power and capital. She used to cook dinner whenever I was busy in my meetings and she took care of me like my elder sister. For me, success was never about the power or the money but rather the peace that I felt at the end of the day just before I went to bed and the care that these people provided me with without any selfish motive. I used to get the taste of success every single day of my life with my work being my only priority and that was the only reason why me and my team were always considered the best in the business because for all of us, our work was our only true god and we worshiped it well.

I make my way towards the EXIT.

"Good morning, Mr. Dior" - Vivian greeted me with a smile.

"Sir? Did I ever treat you like a boss, Ms. Vivian? - I inquired while removing my phone away from my ear as I disconnected it.

"No, AHAAN , I was just checking your mood." - she smirked while I smiled and raised my eyebrow appreciating her smartness.

We both make our way to my Black Porsche which was already parked outside the gate and we leave for office.

"It has been 28 years since my birth and I still haven"t learned how to drive, I need to learn some day." - I tell Vivian as she tries to enter into the car while I hold the car door.

I always thanked Shiv, my driver c*m caretaker,for travelling along with me and he too was the kind of person who believed in the bachelor life and that made things easy for me.

"We are continuously doing bad in the home appliances division, there"s still some technical issues that need to be rectified". "Do you want me to do a personal check, Ahaan?"

"Will you do that for me? Thanks Vivian and do let me know what"s the issue."

"Turn on the music, Shiv. I love this song"

( I don"t wanna live forever, "cause I know I"ll be living in vain

And I don"t wanna fit wherever

I just wanna keep calling your name until you come back home)

Few songs later, we finally enter the parking region of my building. The place that was Amaara"s Dream and our first collaboration together provided us all the profits that strengthened our financial power and brought us closer to each other.

"DIOR AND AMAARA" - names flaunted on the marvelous, towering 30 storey building touching the sky.

9:45 am.

I make my way to my office room and Vivian follows me into the elevator. She presses No.22 and we both ascend towards our place of work. Elevator door opens and I see the dark oak desk and my comfortable office chair. I walk towards my office door Vivian follows as I sit down on my comfortable chair and begin to indulge myself into work by looking at the titles of all the folders that were left on my desk by all of my subordinates. Total of 6 folders and each dealing with the different topics for the day.

I glance at Vivian and she understands what I meant. She goes outside and comes back with a large cup of black coffee.

“I might need two cups today” – I smile and Vivian smiles back in agreement.

“Sure, once you are done with the first one, let me know”– Vivian replies again with a smile on her face and then she leaves my office to prepare for the upcoming meetings one at 11:00 and another one at 4:00.

“Control your demons otherwise your demons control you” – The message carved on my coffee mug which was gifted to me by AMAARA on my first birthday that I celebrated with her, and the only birthday I truly celebrated. She was the only one who understood me and actually controlled my demons. I was in my most vulnerable state when she entered into my life and whatever I am today more than half of the credit goes to her. I silently thanked her for being there always, guiding me, loving me and showering me with her undying soul that she left in me deep down.

I focused on the present moment trying to bring my attention back to my work, away from my wandering mind which was susceptible to go places where it was not supposed to and I thought I was finally was in total control of my demons.

I started reading the files and in a moment Vivian entered with another cup of coffee and kept it on my desk and left without disturbing me. I carried on with my work trying to figure out my agenda and the key points that I had to focus on in my upcoming meetings. As I checked my inbox, I figured out that a client was furious about the delay in his shipment of products for his business and I wanted to assure him that it was delayed due to some transportation issue. This was the same issue I was dealing with while I was in conversation when Vivian called me "Sir". I immediately tried to resolve the issue and in an attempt to write an apology letter ,I opened my inbox and started searching for the template and one thing I really liked about written form of conversation was that it prevented you from embarrassment and your expressions did not reveal your hidden abashment. I went into my drafts menu to find out the template that I had saved for situations like these. There were more than 100 drafts in that drop-down menu and I started searching for the one I needed. I accidentally pressed the‘ show all hidden’ button on my mail account and soon I realized that I had committed the most stupid mistake. I could have easily written a fresh copy of mail but since my time was precious I tried to save the bits and parts of it. I could have easily backspaced into the previous window but sometimes you can"t undo the things that you"ve done and that"s the only thing responsible for all the chaos and rage that we encounter in our lives. If we had any control over our past, we all would be living happy and blissful lives and some things are just meant to stay the way they are like our pasts, unchanged and unaltered.

I knew I was leaning into trouble by unfolding the buried memories but I felt the need to submerge into my memories and I opened the saved draft.

To: iamvi2295@outlook.com

Subject: Urgent

Dear VIARA,

I cannot thank you enough. The way you"ve come into my life out of nowhere is just something great that has happened to me in a really long time. I was at my worst, when we first started talking and you made me look into my real self. We started as classmates and after your breakup with Syum, we talked more and got to know each other. Unfolding, one secret a day about each other was something that made me reach the depths of my soul and truly unravel the very core of my dreams and desires. With time, we came closer, each moment trying to prevent ourselves from sharing too much. But you were too good at controlling yourself and I being a broken soul just forgot what I was falling into. I never thought I’d ever start feeling differently for you. I loved the part where we were just friends and times where we were reluctant and still open about our physical intimacy and the moments when we just vibe. My thoughts entering the aura of your pure concern and care for me. But let me be true to you and me as well, I totally underestimated my feelings for you until our first kiss in the college library. I always want to relive that moment of complete numbness and the feeling of being loved. I do not regret that it happened and I’ll cherish it every moment of my life. From the very first day, when you held my hand and my fingers entangled within the gaps of your soft fingers, that moment I realized that everything between us is going to be messy one day and it was the moment when I was afraid that I would be left heartbroken once again. But I totally blame myself for all the awkwardness that followed afterwards, maybe I was dreaming too much and forgot about the fact that I was not meant to love you. Everything that I did afterwards was silly and stupid and I hurt you intentionally so that you move far away from me. I just predicted my future at that moment of falling in love with you that I forgot to consider that there was another person who might get hurt due to my reckless and intolerable behavior. I do not want to get in your way. I realized you dreams and your goals and I was not worthy of staying in your life. I want you to be so damn successful. I want you to reach heights greater than the depths of my love for you. I am sorry for loving you with such intensity and I am sorry to hurt you. But it was for your own good and one day you’ll understand. But I am so afraid of losing you. I do not think us being together in the future. But I just want to live and enjoy the present with you. And I do not care whether I spend the rest of my time with you as a friend. A friend who cannot stop loving you but for sure can pretend to be your friend as long as you want. Please don’t judge me on the basis of the things I text. It’s just the other half who is frustrated because he wants something that he cannot get. I hope you understand. I am really very sorry; you lost a friend in me the day you held my hand and at the moment of our first kiss.

P.S: I LOVE YOU VIARA

Always Yours

AHAAN

"I need to see her." - I told myself as if I was ordering myself to do so.

This unsent draft had brought back so many memories that were buried deep due to my constant failure to really see “WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE?” and this girl , this girl from my past was the only ray of hope left in my life. I needed her back. I needed to know what she was up to. How far she has moved in life? What all she has achieved in all these years? I had a lot to tell her and I was enthusiastic to meet her and see her.

Suddenly I felt I was reliving my past and the same love emerged again which was forced to leave my vulnerable self. The love which tormented me and tortured me for years was once again flourishing inside of me.

I remembered the last time we were together. It was the worst night of my life but later it turned out to be one of the most magical and unforgettable nights. I was really mad at her for getting married and crushing her dreams like that. I tried to force her to fall in love with me and wait for me, but I remember she said she can never fall in love with me. I told her that I"ll come back for her once I conquer all of my dreams, but she had different dreams and my world was different from hers. I tried to convince her how much she meant to me, but she had different plans. Her family was always her priority and her dreams were secondary. She was always her only priority and I was secondary. I remember her crying and I could not blame her for not understanding me. I just wanted her to live her dreams irrespective of the implications of society. The responsibilities levied on her by her family were not as important as her own happiness. But I understood her source of happiness. I was not the source of her happiness. I cried inside as soon as I realized this truth but I did not reflect my emotions. She showered me with her pure love knowing that I was not going to return. She spent the night with me and in the morning she left me to move on with my life leaving her behind. She left an envelope with a note attached to it.

THE NOTE:

Accept it as a token of our friendship. I know you"d never ask me but I would feel myself lucky if I can play even a smallest part in fulfilling your dreams and desires. And FYI ,PARIS IS ALWAYS ON.

I am sorry AHAAN, I tried to fall in love with you but maybe I am not meant to love anyone. Take care and have a great life.

Girl who can never be yours

VIARA

But she knew I won"t see her again and neither would she, it was not our fantasy world.

“She knew I was not meant to play any part in her destiny.”

She knew my dreams were important to me but little did she know that my dreams were incomplete without her presence in them. I was always incomplete without her but she felt complete even with my absence and I had accepted my fate and decided not to interrupt her life and silently left her forever.

But suddenly I felt the urge to find her. I needed to see her in an attempt to fulfill my still incomplete dream.