Make it Work

Matrimonial Day 1

There she is walking down the aisle approaching the stand where I myself, am standing looking at her lachrymose with joy. A beauty to behold, and that alone does nothing to alleviate my heartbeat and nervousness. Thinking to myself, ‘should I run like a coward or should I just wait for her to get to where I am and let everything flow like honey coming out of a tree?’ Her smile, looking at me as she approaches mesmerises me preventing me from diverting my attention elsewhere. My mind itinerant inveigled by the beauty that advances towards me with a body that rivals the mythological Greek goddess Freya (if she ever existed). God made such a beautiful goddess and I have the honour of having her in my life. I know that’s true because all the men around are looking at her with lust and all the women in envy. It took her time to get here but now she is here, and the ordained minister is now saying something but I cannot hear what it is. All I am hearing from him is murmuring, it is all blur. All my attention is on her, that smile she on her face is making me shake in my boots my heartbeat is racing. So, this is how it feels to get married to someone you love? The minister is now saying something to me, I cannot even hear myself as I say my vows to her, lost in too deep inside her eyes. This feeling of excitement and fear has taken grips that I feel so numb and have no knowledge of what my body is doing. Her lips are moving, wait she is saying her vows to me now, but I cannot hear a thing because of the hypnotized state I am in, her lips look like strawberry dipped in milk to increase the delicious looking enchantment cast upon me, I cannot wait to have a taste of them. There is actually something white on her lower lip, did she rush to finish dressing up? Well that does not matter much, she looks perfect either way. She is now advancing towards me slowly, that precious moment I have been waiting for is here. I have to take action now! I put my hands on her waist, pull her closer to me. She put her hands around my neck. Wow, I guess it is true what they say, short girls are the real thing but I did not think she would be this short even in her heels. Finally, we locking lips but there is something wrong. This is where I come back to reality. She is still on me but mind is now disturbed by what I just felt from her. The people begin cheering I quickly release myself from her. I hope the jocund crowd did not notice the animosity when I removed her from close to me. The Kindred nature of what I felt now and what I have felt a lot of times before is now beginning to piece every piece together. All the poetic thoughts of her flushed away instantaneously. Time is flowing slower than ever now; I hold her had but it no longer feels the same anymore with my smile being forced to show itself out by me because of my fear of disappointing those around. My mother approaches us with open arms and embraces both of us and kisses us on our cheeks.

“Congratulations!” she says in a high tone jocund, that her beloved son is married, “I wish you both a happy long life together!”

I smile and try to hold on tight to her with that one side thinking if she only knows how I am feeling she would drown in her tears for me. She has always been fond of Vimbai and me outing everything in the open would destroy her. So, I will keep everything to myself. She releases both of us from her grip and the two continue to converse as I excuse them. Maybe I am rushing to conclusions, I do not know the truth about everything. I mean she told me herself with her own words and I trust her. Like I said, maybe I am thinking too much. Continued contemplating will only result in more self-inflicted pain for I have no affirmation that what I am thinking is the actual truth.

“Mike! Mike! Mike!”

Someone is shouting my name but who is? I force my body to restrain from reacting to the person shouting my name. I feel a grip on my shoulder and I startle. It is Nhamo, her ex-boyfriend at our wedding but I do not remember ever inviting him to our wedding or even telling we are getting married. The knowledge of his existence alone is enough to enrage me after everything he did to her but as a matured human being, I keep calm and softly respond with a smile on my face.

“Hey man, how have you been?”

He smiles at me as if he notices something is wrong.

“I have been good man, just wanted to congratulate you, I wish you both a good life together.”

I contort my face and scoff as I turned my head to the side, but he does not change the gaily look on his face.

“And I wanted to give you my number, there are a few things we need to discuss and please do not tell her we had this conversation there is a lot at stake and your life depends on it this will be good for both of us. And if you decide to call me, let me apologise in advance for being late.”

He stretches forward his hand handing over a business card to me.

“I will be leaving now, Have a good day.”

He leaves the wedding venue in that instant, at the same time Vimbai sneaks up from behind me as I put the business card inside my pocket.

A gale of dread runs through my spine as she handles me, beginning to catechize myself with all sought of insecure questions running through my mind. She slides down her arm on my body, and I remove it when she is about to reach my delicate spots to start up an unnecessary inferno.

“Watch it, they are a lot of people here we will have plenty of time for that, for now let us just enjoy others company.” I say this trying to hold back my real emotions so hard from her.

“Come on, do not be boring!” she says contorting her face to mimic a sad kitty.

Not to arouse any suspicion of a changed mood toward her, I had to continue to feign the happy character I am playing at my wedding. Everything she is doing feels dubious, even her smile itself and all that beauty I saw on her suppressed under what I am thinking is reality. Maybe this is just my paranoia, she looks so perfect as I grab her arm for a moment, I forget everything when we lock eyes and she smiles at me looking so innocent. ‘How can that be a guilty face?’ I ask myself. She lays her head on my arm as we walk toward the majority. How will I make this work when I know she is not who she seems or I am just being paranoid but the only way to know is if I ask her or if I investigate. But who can I trust? I get to the crowd and greet everyone but my sullen face is now visible to many, no longer can I hide it. I notice even my mom looking at me as if the world is against me and she is the only one at my side. My father is approaching now I am trying to man up and show some light on my dull face.

“Let us have a father son moment son.”

He says looking down rubbing his beard with his left while he rests his right hand on my shoulder.

A moment of silence to clear the atmosphere as we walk down towards the pond. I turn to look back only to see everyone with some of them looking at us as we go. In my mind I am thinking maybe I have been found out.

“What is wrong son?” father throws his first question

“I am afraid of what lies ahead pops, things might not be as I want them to be, you know.”

“Come on, son, that is what life is all about boy, you do not need to over think anything, but just make sure everything you do is for the best for you and your family, never ever be selfish in your life, love your wife and the children she will give to you.”

He firms the grip on my shoulder and continues,

“Life is never easy, it will never be milk and honey always but make most of what you have and right now, she is what you got, I mean even your mama loves her, she is a good one. I am proud of you son. I know I am not the best father or even the best husband but you can transcend all that and become better.”

“What the hell are you talking about? You did everything, you worked hard to keep food in our plates, kept us from wearing torn out clothing and you were always there for mom. And for that I will forever be grateful for everything father.”

Lachrymal as he stares at me and me joining little later flowing tears from my eyes.

“That is the first time you have ever told me something like that and then again this is the longest conversation we have ever had. You have always been your mothers’ child after all. I do not know what is really going on son, but I am sure it will work itself out.”

“What are you talking about pops? It is all good.”

My father, my idol, I promised myself If I ever get married, I will not let my family suffer even if they disparage me. I will never cease to make my family better and happy. But he does not know that our situations are different and I will not tell him about it. Why did it take me this long to pierce together? Now it is too late for me to stop all this. This predicament I am in is self-inserted.

“Let us go back to the others son.”

Every surrounding me seems so happy and delightful, and I am trying so hard to fit into the happiness. Distracted by my thoughts and without even noticing anything, a hand is rested on my forehead and I am startled only to find that it is my wife checking if everything is okay with me. How can I ask to confirm if what is eating me inside is true or false? I think keeping it to myself is better than asking her because if it is true, she will not even be candid with me and she might even become hostile with me. So, I continue with my feigning parade for as long as possible. She pulls me down closer to her, and she kisses my forehead softly.

“It seems that your temperature is high. Are alright my love?”

I remove her hand from me and reply, “I am fine, do not worry just a bit nervous about everything, you know, all this just feels strange and it is a whole new thing and I am just scared.”

“You have nothing to worry about, we are in it together now” she says smiling as she drags me closer to her and gives me a smack on the lips. “Mr Michael Zimuto!”

She takes a hold of my tie and leads me on towards the crowd dragging me along by the tie. While she looks down smiling and glowing looking shy. That beauty of hers keeps on dragging me back to her side. I am still distracted by everything in my head to the extent that I barely notice everything that is going on around me. My friends coming over all at once in a rush and Lift me from the ground and start running around chanting my name with deep voices, and at this moment I cannot help it be happy because I am the first one to get married and they are all happy for me. We take pictures and thereafter, hangout some more talking about everything and during this time I do not see her so my mind is clear of every disturbing thought I had before.

After hours of fun, with the car set and ready for me and my bride to leave my mother and father come to me with tears in their eyes and they did not seem sad but happy for me. With Vimbai following just right behind them with her friends and family also. We say our goodbyes and get into the car so we can go home. As we depart, I start thinking if I should proceed with everything as planned, and she is staring at me looking concerned. I keep my focus on the road in front of me, but her staring at me like that is making me uncomfortable and the awkward silence increasing the asperity of the situation. To alleviate the situation, I decide to initiate a conversation with her.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” she asks

(Am I trying to worsen an already egregious situation?) I thought to myself.

“Today is supposed to be the happiest day of our lives but you seem too distracted and trying so hard to ruin it, maybe they could not see it but I could see that you were faking all those smiles and actions but I could not say anything then because I did not want to ruin the day alongside you. So, are you going to tell me what is going on?” she pressed on.

“I already told you that I am afraid and nervous, that is all, unless you have your own theories that you have come up with? And If not let us just drop this conversation and talk about something else.” I reply to her trying make her move past it.

“For the first time I feel like you are not telling me anything and that worries me that you if you are not trusting me now what about later on?” she says with a low sad voice while she turns her gaze away from me.

“It is nothing, let us just get home and rest, we have both had a very long day and we both need some rest.” I reply increasing the firmness of my grip on the steering wheel.

She remains silent, but still looking at me. She stretches out her hand and rubs it on my left thigh, I look down at her hand and look at her and return my focus on the road. The short conversation has greatly alleviated the tension that was there between me and her but it had not removed it all. She sleeps in the car laying her head on my shoulder for the remainder of our journey back home. I stop the car right in front of the gate, gently remove her head from my shoulders lay her back on the car seat gently to avoid waking her up. I open the door and head straight toward the gate, open it and rush back into the car. I stare at her for a while as she sleeps like a baby. I drive the car in through the gate, slowly, through the yard straight to the garage. Smoothly park the car, Step outside the car, breath in heavily, holding my waist and walkout of the garage to go and close the gate as I think whether if I should wake her up or just carry her to the bedroom. This is not supposed to be thought over and over again because she is my wife and we just got married. Everything looks good outside; how can it not look good I am rich I worked so hard to give myself a good life and all my life no one woman has ever been able to break through into my heart so I have kept myself to myself well. But right now, I feel like it was a bad idea to have let one break through into my heart. But maybe I am just over thinking everything! Being trapped deep inside my thoughts makes me pass through the gate and go outside unknowingly. My thoughts are getting worse daunting my spirit of excitement and making me asinine and full of regret even though I have not enough details. All I know is that I will need to make it work for my family and also because I do not want to bring shame to her and her family.

“Mike, where are you going?”

I could not hear her calling because I am trapped in deep thought. She walks toward me and as soon as she reaches my position, she puts her hand on my shoulders startling me.

“Mike, I have been calling you and it seems like you are ignoring me. What is going in your head today? You seem to be off but trying so hard to be on.”

“Damn woman, do not sneak up on a man like that, you might get hurt.” I speak in an agitated tone.

She laughs holding her mouth, “Ohh, please my dear husband, even if you tried you cannot even harm a fly my love. Let alone harm me. What are you doing outside? We might live at a remote place but does not mean there are no thugs, please let us go back inside.”

There is no winning with her, shake my head and reply to her,

“Okay, but what woke you up? I was thinking of coming back and carry you to bed and you just had to ruin that for me?”

“I just had a feeling you had left my side and I do not want to be separated from you.”

She puts her hand around my neck and draw me closer to her down as she stands on her toes, and I notice she had left her shoes inside and she walked to get to me without shoes. Quick to think I turn the tables and lift her up and stare in too deep inside her eyes, but she says nothing to me but smile at me.

“You have soft feet, walking on this rough surface with get your beautiful feel bruised and hurting and I will have to deal with you behaving like a baby crying.”

She holds on to me tighter and lay her head on my chest, closing her eyes and I forget my every negating thoughts preventing me from smiling genuinely toward her. Her essence feels so peaceful, and my walls toward her friable as I feel them beginning to crumble and I begin walking slowly back inside as I look at her.

“I hope you are not thinking of dropping, Because I can feel that hob goblin like smile of yours even though I am not looking at you.”

With a malevolent smile on my face I reply to her, “I was thinking of dropping though, now that you have said it.”

As she holds on tighter, “What …………?!”

In a calm tone, “Yes, but on the bed actually at the moment I have to put you down so I can close the gate behind us and proceed, did you close up the garage?”

“Hmmm, I might have forgotten about that, let me go and close it now.” she replies as she turns to head for the garage to check.

I stay behind to close the gate. I drag the gate and head straight to meet her. No longer contemplating, with a blank mind on me. I get to the find her lying down on the concrete ground with her hand one on the head and the other on her stomach. I make haste towards her lying down. As I draw closer the atmosphere changes as I come closer to her, I notice her face sullen and careworn tears flowing out her eyes while she looks up. I slow down my pace, losing strength for this is my first time seeing her like this. What could be wrong with her? Did she fall and hit the back of her head hard on the concrete ground? What is wrong now? Down on my knees I go, and the difference between the last time and now is that the last time I was happy, scared and nervous not knowing what she will say back to me, but now I am terrified that something might have happened to her. Smoothly grab her by the head and lay her on my thighs and softly rub her head. For a moment there I cannot speak or say anything, I am confused by everything now. Was I wrong all along?

“What happened to you, are you okay?”

She does not answer, but rather pulls holds on to me and start crying out loud. I am wondering what is wrong now? Why is she being like this? Circumspect, lifting her up from the ground. And she holds on to me tight, with her tears wetting my clothing. But at the moment I do not mind and also it is night time anyway and I am home. Dawdling with her in my arms, contemplating on what is going on with her. But since she did not answer, I have decided to give her some time to get herself together. This is very confusing for me though, one moment she is happy the next she is broken up into a lot of pieces shattered and her spirit effete. Looking at her in this state made me realize that it is true what they say, when they say a beautiful woman is more beautiful when she is happy, smiling and laughing. The glow that brightens me up has disappeared, why? Will I ever see it again, God help me!

“Would you like to have anything to eat or drink? Before you sleep?”

She does not remove her face from my chest and she reply to me, “A glass of milk with toasted bread please!”

“Okay, so let us head to the kitchen first and eat then we go to sleep.”

“Okay.” the light in her voice seems to have lost the brightness.

I smile with delight; she has replied which means she is now getting better but I will not pressure her to say anything. I stare at her for a while as she wipes off her tears, I want to smile but I cannot. I find my way around to the kitchen counter, grab the plastic bag with bread head to the already plugged in toaster.

“Can you please put some butter on it!”

“Okay!” I reply lively as I head for the fridge to collect it

We return back to awkward silence in the room, this is supposed to be the happiest day of our lives, why did it turn out to be so bad? I know I have heard some negative thoughts about her and pushing through and going ahead with everything. She seems so stressed still, maybe I should do something but what if she does not want me to?