Me without you

Chapter Nine

Today is your anniversary.

Today marks the 11th year that you have been dead.

Today is the four thousand and eighteenth day that you have not been in my world.

Ninety-six thousand, four hundred and thirty-two hours spent missing you.

Five million, seven hundred and eighty-five thousand, nine hundred and twenty minutes...

Three hundred and forty-seven million, one hundred and fifty-five thousand, two hundred seconds...

Of me without you.

Time is really a cruel thing.

It provides the illusion of healing, yet in a second it can propel you right back into your moment of pain.

I am there right now, in my moment of pain.

Another point of impact.

I am right back to missing you so much it hurts.

Flashback

"Hey Char, I want to introduce you to Melinda." You're smiling, actually you're beaming.

What the heck!

My vision seems to be tinted with red around the edges.

Stretching out my hand, I acted polite and shook Melinda's hand.

Gross. Her name in my head feels gross!

I don't like her.

And she is pretty, like really pretty.

I really don't like her.

But I smiled, "Hi Melinda, it's great to finally meet you. Lee talks about you all the time."

"Hey, meet Melinda, my girlfriend." Glancing over my shoulder to see who it was you were talking to, I spotted Harry.

I guess this was one of the very few moments I was grateful he interrupted us.

******

Standing there holding my boyfriend's hand and you standing there holding your girlfriend's hand, was probably right up there in my top 10 least favourite moments.

I still hate that name!

Melinda!

Sitting here staring at your headstone, I cannot control the tears running down my face.

I come here every year and I bring you my favourite flowers, tulips.

I never knew what yours were.

You wouldn't tell me.

You always said that you didn't quite understand the concept of flowers.

But you really liked my reaction to receiving flowers, especially tulips.

So if that was anything to go by, then you liked tulips.

Did you ever give Melinda flowers?

In the beginning, I would run into Melinda from time to time.

She really didn't like me.

I was never quite sure why.

Until she confronted me one day.

I couldn't believe that she had the audacity to do that.

******

Flashback

"Have you no shame?"

I couldn't believe that this cow was actually standing in front of me, giving me the stink eye!

She didn't even have the decency to come to the funeral. I mean Lee was her boyfriend and she didn't bother to show up, and now she was talking to me about shame?

"Excuse me? You're one to talk."

"I am not the one who was always leading him on! I am not the one who wanted my cake and eating it too! Why couldn't you just leave him alone!"

Leading him on?

Leave him alone?

This chick has to be insane! She must be crazy.

It's the only explanation. Taking in my confused expression, she continued with her rant.

"Don't pretend you didn't know. And then you act like the weeping widow at his funeral! But it was always Char this, and Char that! I was his girlfriend, not you!"

Oh, so she was at his funeral. I didn't see her, but then again I didn't see much that day.

I spent the entire funeral with my head tucked under Harry's arm.

Crying.

But I wasn't a 'weeping widow'.

Was I?

******

She knew all along.

I couldn't believe she knew.

I ran into her a few times after that.

The last time was the most interesting.

She had a new boyfriend by then.

And had moved on.

My boyfriend had just cheated on me for the first time.

And I was pissed.

******

Flashback

"Char. Hey, listen I just wanted to apologize for the way I lost it."

Staring at Melinda with shock wasn't a new look for me.

This chick always confused me.

I really don't see what Lee saw in her.

"Look, I always knew that he was in love with you. But I was in love with him, and I thought he would get over you. That all he needed was for me to show him how much I loved him and that you weren't worth it. Besides, you weren't even his type."

I saw some sort of apology in her eyes, as if what she was saying wasn't meant to be offensive. But that's only because she doesn't know how right she is.

"I was furious when I found out that he was only dating me because your boyfriend threatened to keep you away from him if he didn't stop staring at you and find a girl of his own. I thought he was into me, you know?"

My mind was a whirlwind, I was having great difficulty focusing on anything else she said after that.

******

That was the hardest thing for me to hear.

If Melinda ever wanted to hurt me, she did.

That information crushed me.

I never told you how jealous I was.

Watching you with Melinda was absolute torture.

You would smile at her, pull out her chair, hold her hand, open her car door.

I hated it! All of it!

I would avoid going to parties if I knew you guys would be there.

I couldn't stand seeing you with her, touching her, loving her.

She could give you everything I couldn't

And once the anger subsided, the guilt would settle in.

Because I couldn't stand seeing you happy.

Or at least I thought you were happy. How selfish was I to deny you that?

And having Melinda tell me that she could have given you that happiness and more, if it wasn't for me, absolutely gutted me.

I couldn't control the guilt.

I cannot control the guilt.

I couldn't control the way I felt.

I cannot control the way I feel.

I couldn't control the way I felt about Melinda.

I cannot control the way I feel about Noel.