Me without you

Chapter Three

Lee, did you ever think I was funny?

I mean I think I am funny...but who knows?

Noel thinks I'm funny. I am not sure if he is laughing at me sometimes or with me, but it never seems mean though. So I don't mind that much.

I remember how relaxed I always felt around you.

Did you feel the same way around me?

I hope I never made you nervous. Because that would have just been awful considering how much time we spent together. I wouldn't have wanted you to spend all that time feeling that way. I hope I calmed you.

You calmed me.

Noel calms me.

I haven't told him that he does.

But he does.

Do you remember the day you took me to the beach?

I wore my blue sundress.

Blue like the sky.

Blue like the sea.

Blue like your eyes.

Did you know that was why I wore that dress that day?

I didn't even realise that was the reason it is my favourite colour until it was too late.

I never told you.

I should have told you.

If I close my eyes and sit really still,

I can still feel the sand below my feet.

If I close my eyes and sit really still,

I can still feel your hand in mine...it feels nice.

If I close my eyes and sit really still,

I can feel how your lips brushed against my shoulder as you pretended to point out the para glider to me.

If I close my eyes and sit really still...

I can still feel...

you.

That day will always be my best birthday ever, for as long as I live.

My best birthday memory will always belong to you, Lee.

My birthday is coming up.

My birthday is coming up and Noel found out.

I am not quite sure how, I don't remember telling him.

He wants me to spend the day with him.

He asked me if I had anything planned for the day and, if not, if I would spend it with him.

I haven't answered him

I am not sure.

I don't think I should.

I mean, I want to.

But I don't think I should.

I am not sure I want to celebrate my birthday.

But that makes me feel guilty.

Because how can I be that selfish to not celebrate when you don't have the option any longer.

If you were here, you would.

Wouldn't you?

And you would definitely be pissed at me for not wanting to.

I feel guilty because I do want to celebrate my birthday with Noel.

I have no idea what he has planned, and I like that. It reminds me of the random surprises you gave me. They were fun.

I was always amazed at how you made the simplest thing seem breath-taking.

I now know that it wasn't what you did, but because you did it.

I am such an i***t. I realized all of this too late.

I really hate that.

I really hate that I have to miss you.

That I don't get to talk to you.

That I don't get to see you.

That I don't get to touch you.

That I don't get to feel you.

That I lost my best friend.

That I never tried harder.

I really hate it when something happens in my day and I want to let you know and I have to remind myself that I can't.

I really hate it that I still haven't deleted your name from my contact list. I just, can't.

I really hate that you're not here to celebrate my birthday with me, Lee.

I really hate that I want to celebrate my birthday, with Noel.

I really hate that I have to miss you.

And more so I really hate that I am starting to miss Noel.