Me without you

Chapter Four

I was thinking about the first time he cheated.

We were at a friends birthday party.

I was sitting and chatting to some people.

Everyone was very excited about Spring Break.

The party was in full swing. There were smiling people all over.

Laughter could be heard throughout the house.

It was so infectious, even I was starting to feel jovial.

But that was a mistake, I should have known better.

Someone called me and asked if I knew where Harry was.

Someone told me he was sitting in our car chatting to one of our friends.

Naive me...I didn't see the big deal.

I didn't even notice the bitchy tone that the blonde tart was using when she told me.

The girl Harry was talking to was a friend of mine.

She was in one of my classes at school.

I introduced the two of them.

By the end of that month I found out that they were sleeping together.

He told me he was giving her a ride home that night.

I thought I was so lucky to be with a guy who was so considerate.

Someone who cares about my friends.

It still physically hurts when I think about it now.

You know that feeling you get if you jam your finger in a door or drawer.

That sensation of warmth that flows from the point of impact.

I still feel that.

It starts from the point of impact, and makes its way all the way down my other arm to my fingertips.

The embarrassment of that night still haunts me.

I remember telling people that he took Kelly home, whenever they asked me where he was that night.

I trusted him.

Completely.

I would have never guessed that he could deceive me like that.

I would have never guessed that he would disappoint me like that.

In fact, the thought never entered my mind.

Not in my wildest dreams.

I remember the days leading up to it

He would tell me how our relationship stresses him out.

I would promise to do better.

I was so afraid of losing him.

He was all I had.

You would think by then I would have been accustomed to the idea of people leaving me behind.

He was all I had.

And I was petrified of being alone. Again.

I was still struggling to come to terms with losing you.

Back then I wasn't able to hide the pain of losing you.

Every time I would remember that you were gone,

I would burst into tears.

There was a time I didn't even attempt to hide that I was grieving your death.

A part of my shut down completely.

And anyone who bothered to pay attention could see it.

Harry paid attention. He never understood our relationship. At the time neither did I.

I think it upset him more that it took me a month to notice that he was sleeping around.

And I only noticed after he blatantly flaunted it in my face.

He moved out.

He left me.

He left me for her.

A week later, he came back.

I was grateful.

I didn't have to be alone anymore.

I didn't ask any questions. I happily accepted his return.

At his insistence, I never asked any questions. I wasn't allowed any explanations.

And most importantly, I was not allowed to expect it.

Guilt made me accept his terms.

The guilt I felt for openly grieving you, knowing how much it upset him forced me into docility.

Shame. He drowned in shame. According to him, it was all at my insistence.

According to Harry, I was incapable of moving past his infidelity and would punish him for it for the duration of our relationship and beyond.

I tried to convince him that I wasn't. That I had moved on. That I had forgiven him. That I wanted a fresh start.

Almost all of that was true.

The truth was, I had moved on. I wanted a fresh start.

There was nothing to forgive him for. His actions had nothing to do with me. The infidelity didn't affect me.

I despised the abandonment. He never apologised about that. We never discussed that. That was a 'me' problem.

Our arguments would simply circle around Harry's shame over his actions. It had nothing to do with me.

But the most truthful confession that never left my lips was that there was no room for Harry's actions to break my heart as it was already broken by your death. Smashed.

It was you I felt abandoned by. It was your absence I felt.

He was just there.

But luckily Harry was always very self-involved. So to this day, he still believes his version of this event and it never occurred to him that my experience may differ.

Again, I didn't mind. I still don't.