Me without you

Chapter Six

Why is everything so annoying?

Does everything have to be difficult?

And I know you think I am probably being over dramatic.

And maybe I am.

But right now it feels like it's all just too much.

I mean, come on!

Can't I just catch a break!

No matter how much I plan, nothing ever goes according to plan.

And sure, fine!

I can handle a few deviations.

But this is just absurd!!!!

I need to fix this.

And I need to fix this immediately.

I need for my life to return to normal.

And by normal I mean my controlled version.

I can't deal with Noel just showing up and being...

Well, being... Noel!

Yesterday when I didn't hear from him by lunch time, I was upset.

No, I am lying.

I was disappointed.

And more importantly I was really sad.

This can't be happening!

I can't be feeling this way about him.

I need it to stop!

I haven't seen him for just over twenty four hours now.

I haven't heard his voice in twenty four hours.

I haven't read a text from him in twenty four hours.

Not because he hasn't sent any...

In fact my phone won't stop buzzing.

I have been deleting them without reading them.

I won't be able to not reply once I read them.

I can't feel this much.

I won't get hurt again.

A part of me hurts now though.

Luckily he hasn't showed up at my front door yet..

If only that didn't make me sad.

I think it's best if I stay away from him.

And for the most part it's kind of easy.

But the problem is, I can't stop thinking about him.

And based on the activity on my phone he can't stop thinking about me either.

This makes me smile.

This shouldn't make me smile.

But it does.

Noel makes me smile.

He makes me smile the same way you made me smile.

And this scares me.

When I am not around him, it all makes sense.

All the reasons I should stay away from him, they make sense.

The minute I allow him near me it all becomes fuzzy.

I am doing the right thing.

Right?

Allowing Noel any closer would be a mistake.

Noel has no idea who I really am.

He wouldn't still be here if he knew.

How did you find out?

I always thought you didn't know.

I thought I managed to fool you.

But I guess I didn't.

I never thought you would have loved me if you knew.

Part of me still doesn't believe that you could.

But you knew and you stuck around.

But I would have destroyed you too, if I allowed you any closer.

"Hello" Shoot! Why didn't I check the caller id. I can't even screen my calls properly.

"Noel, yes ... I have just been busy...your texts? No I haven't seen anything."

Oh no, he knows I have been avoiding him, now I feel bad.

How horrible am I? He never did anything wrong.

I can't even muster up the courage to just let him know that I don't want to do whatever it is we are doing.

No, I am way too much of a coward.

Because as much as I know I should let Noel go... I can't let Noel go.

"Char! Are you still there?"

"Yes, yes I am."

"So...I will pick you up at 7?"

"Seven?"

And then he hung up.

What did I just agree to?

Did I even agree?