HATE FALL LOVE

Chapter 19

I couldn't speak for quite a while as I watch the streets pass by in a blur through the fogged window of the passenger seat. There's a lot of questions racing inside my head but I couldn't dare to ask them out loud. I could feel the burning curiosity filling my chest yet I still try to ignore it. For some reason, I know James has been keeping something from me. And for all I know, it is something, that once he finally gets the courage to tell me about, would change things between us.

I suddenly recall the day when Peter had confessed to me something about his family. He had given me this sad sad face and went on saying how he found out that his dad had been seeing another woman behind his mother's back. Back then, I was just too stunned to process it all after learning that truth because I never expected it. Everybody thought their family was perfect.

Peter took two weeks before he told me everything about it. We've fought countless times before that, because I have been feeling he was keeping something from me--I even thought he was cheating on me. He had been quite distant to me the previous weeks when we started having arguments about things I don't remember now. But when he told me the truth, I realized that all those suspicions I had of him were very much stupid and entirely false. Then I just felt remorseful for even thinking he would have done something terrible.

But you couldn't possibly blame yourself for ever thinking that way. Trust must always go both ways, right?

If you trust someone, then that someone should also trust you back. Even if it means, telling them the painful truth about yourself.

Yet with James, it is a different matter. I trust him, that's a given. But somehow, he won't trust me enough to tell me the things that I still don't know. And that goes beyond without ever talking about it. He knows that I deeply suspect something but he keeps on brushing all my attempts to question them further. I wish he would just tell me now. Because, how could I really love him if things between us are already filled with doubts?

"Shai..." he calls me for a second, shaking me out of my thoughts as I slowly turned to look at him. He glances at me from the windshield, just a barely meeting of our eyes with a strange look on his face. I waited for him to say something more. Something that would make me feel relieved. Something that could explain everything that is bothering me. But he didn't.

"You could say it to me," I tell him after a moment of silence. "I won't be mad. I promise. I don't want to be mad at you."

"I..." James hesitates then takes a deep shaky breath. He goes on. "Miranda and I... It's something that had happened in the past."

Past. That word is a painful straight punch into the gut. Past weighs a lot more than it actually bears, and it creates ripples of regrets and secrets that anyone would find so hard to share with someone. I understand if he can't tell me for now. I understand if things work less worse that way.

"If you're not ready to tell me now," I finally offered, "There's always tomorrow and the day after that to do it."

James quietly nods at this and slowly sighs in shy relief. His frown smooths away, being replaced by a small smile as he silently reaches out for my hand to hold it beneath his free one.

"I love you," he tells me suddenly and I inhaled sharply. Hearing those words just added a deeper cut right into my heart.

"I love you, Shai. Always."

"Always," I say back with a blank expression, trying to hold on to that word filled with silent promises. I moved to put my other hand over his that has been holding mine.

"I love you." he repeats again as he glances to our linked hands, and I looked up to his eyes.

"I know." I tell him with a smile, thinking that the rest of my confusions could wait. At this moment, I just wanted to pretend everything is alright and there's nothing wrong between us.

I don't want to ruin this. I don't want to risk it. I don't want to rush it, I could certainly, wait. No matter how long it takes.

The night after that afternoon talk, I dreamed of something strange yet unforgettable

The night after that afternoon talk, I dreamed of something strange yet unforgettable.

With James' strong arms keeping me warm and safe on my bed while we slept, I dreamed about the two of us. We were standing on the back open trunk of my truck. It was parked on our secret place by the side of the highway near the cliff. We were watching the sunset while we admire the wonderful view of the whole town below us. James was shouting something that I couldn't remember now what was, but I could still feel the warmth of his hand gripping mine as we laughed about it. Then after shouting, he looked down at me, his eyes were still smiling even when his lips weren't. He tucked some hair behind my ear, keeping them away from my cheek. Then I nervously gulped as I gave him a small smile, peering up at him.

He leaned down, whispered something... Something that made me smile wider and he chuckled. But I can't recall what it was that he told me. I can't make out the words that played on his lips when I watched it moved. Then he suddenly kissed me... He kissed me hard. Intense, amazing, exhilarating. It felt so real. He kissed me as if he can't get enough of me. He kissed me on that dream, as if it felt like it already happened before. It felt like that moment was very true, very real. Very familiar.

I woken up, shaken and disoriented as I turned to look back to the reality-James who has been sleeping soundly behind me. He had his arms around my body, one slung across my waist and the other under my head. I hear his soft snores, as I try to snuggle closer to him. I turned and changed my position. Facing him this time, I ran my fingers through the side of his face. His brow, his ear, his cheek, his jaw... His lips. A sensation of both soft and hard whenever it touches mine. He is truly beautiful and I can't imagine myself losing this kind of beautiful that had come into my life. I can't imagine my life without his face in the picture.

I wonder if what he is dreaming as of this moment. I wonder if he dreams about me too. I wonder what it felt like to do that dream for real. Would he kiss me like the way he'd kissed me there? Would he never get enough of me? And what will he shout from the top of the truck if ever it really happen? What will he say that would make us laugh? What would he whisper to me that would make my heart beat fast? That would make me want to kiss him back as hard as he did to me?

I wonder... And that... Is what I could only possibly do for now.

I wish I knew...

I wish it could come true.

I wish it could be.