My Unmarried Pregnant Secretary

5.4

"Stupid sack!" Grabbing it, I shove my hands inside and start to change into my clothes, knowing I'm not going to be seen since there's a bunch of trees around me. When I get to my phone there's a message. Maybe it's from Agastya!

Foo, why would Agastya text you? You kicked him to the curb. No, you didn't just kick him to the curb, you body-slam-dunked him to the corner of Canada. You blew it, Varnika. Duh.

I'm a girl. i know wut ur really doing when you meet up in the hallways :* smoochy smoochy! ;D'

Rohan you have just torn down all hopes and dreams left of my life just now. I won't be kissing him anytime soon with my behavior like this.

I level with the ground again by going up the natural, nature-created ramp, and see a lone figure walking down the street. He's kind of tall, possibly lean--I can't tell with that hoodie he's wearing though.

Wait, hoodie. Lean. Tall. Agastya! Oh my gosh it's Agastya! Man, if I had run this fast when we were racing, no doubt I'd win by a kabillion centimeters.

"Agastya! Agastya, slow down!" He half turns and I grab his arm, slightly out of breath. "Oh my gosh, Agastya I am so, so, so, sorry! I really didn't mean to kind of leave you hanging back there!"

He has this small civil smile that crosses his face. The problem is that it's civil; there's nothing miraculous about it. He's still upset.

"It's fine, Varnika." Varnika? He didn't call me Varnika! "I came onto you too fast. I was just an i***t, ya know? Being all pushy and stuff, but it's cool. I'll lay off a bit." He takes a handful of his face into his palms running them down. "Oh just. . . ugh! I'm really stupid aren't I?"

"No! No, Agastya you aren't stupid at all!" I am. "It's all my fault and I can't really explain to you what happened back there so you'll just have to trust me when I say I really didn't mean it. It was that chick that showed up. Got in my way of things." Because I was the one fighting her. My eyes fall to the floor. "I'm just. . . sorry. It's not my first time blowing you off."

A hand reaches under my chin and turns me to face Agastya. Oh that hair! Side swooped and spiked? Your smell. . . what was I talking about again?

"It's okay, Varnika." There's this brief pause like we're waiting on someone to come out of the blue and start break-dancing in a cartoon costume. Smirk-salaciousness takes over his lips. "I know you wanted to kiss me, didn't you?" Yeah, he's not upset anymore.

I nudge at his chest with my hand trying to hide my goofy-goober smile. "Shut up." His teeth show through his smile. Oh goodness gracious! They glisten! Yes, it's from spit, but they glisten! Can I touch them? Is that weird?

His arm wraps around my shoulders and we start to walk. "Yeah, you want me." Yes, Agastya. I do want you. I want you to at least hug me before I collapse onto this floor right now and start digging through the concrete with my hands, wailing.

Something soft and gentle touches my cheek and sends my antibodies into action ready to attack what's threatening its way onto me. Wait no, it's a kiss! Red, brown, blue, magenta, freaking metallic I don't care which color takes over my face and my breath catches in my throat.

"I'm kind of scared that if I actually do kiss you one day, you'll die or something. You're new to relationships aren't you? You always get so worked up over the littlest things I do. I think it's pretty cute on you." You know how stop lights turn red? Put my face in the middle of the Lily and I bet cars will stop. "And when you blush it's adorable."

How do I even think about responding to that? "Um. I'm not new-new to relationships. . . I just, uh, you know. . ." His hand around my shoulders takes my hand as we walk.

"You're just what?"

"I'm just. . . " You weren't really supposed to ask, Agastya. Thanks for making this difficult. "I'm just really crushing on you, that's all."

Oh wow! I just made this awkward moment inevitable to the deepest core! Chuck Norris wouldn't even feel comfortable right now. And he's the reason for comfort.

I wonder what he's thinking right now. He just squeezed my hand for a small moment and now he's smiling a little too hard to the point where he chuckles every few moments. What is this? Some kind of joke? I confess feelings and you laugh?

"What's funny?"

"Nothing. I'm really crushing on you too." He looks over at me while I try to match his long strides until I realize that we're slowing down. Our eyes lock with each other and I flashback to when I ate my mashed potatoes yesterday that reminded me of him. I don't know why I thought about him while I looked at my food but I did.

I noticed his eyes broke from mine and looked down on my lips, back up, then back down. . . and then back up. "Varnika, would it be inappropriate to say that I wish I could kiss you right now?" Considering the fact that you literally just said it, I'm guessing it doesn't matter now does it? On the fan girl side of me, no it's not inappropriate to say that because I'm having those same exact thoughts. On the side of me that's bitter, yes it's inappropriate because I wouldn't want you to tell me, but just do it.

"No. But it's awkward even if I feel the same way. Why couldn't you kiss me?" I can't believe I'm having this conversation. We're discussing the topic of kissing one another without kissing and seeing if it's appropriate. That's when you know you have no life.

"Yeah, it is kinda awkward isn't it?" He sucks in a breath through his teeth while scratching the back of his neck. His voice lowers. "And I wouldn't wanna kiss you with your mom right there in the house. She's probably peeking through the blinds or something."

He knows her so well. "She probably, actually is, though."

"But we can hug right?" Questions, questions, questions! All these questions! Just do it, Agastya! Be spontaneous! Because I'm not.

"If you want to."

"Oh, okay." Arms are tightly wrapped around me and I sneak my arms up and around his neck in a tight embrace.

"Is she looking?" He mumbles into my neck. From what I can see, the second floor window has a gap in between the blinds. Oh, mom. I love you.

A short laugh escapes my mouth. "Sure is."

"Good. Let her get a picture of this." Picture? Dang, she probably does have her camera. He releases me and grabs my hand and kisses the back of it, looking me in the eyes. "Bye, Varnika." Swoon. Swoon. Swoon. Goodbye, handsome!

"Goodbye, Rye." Such an ugly name.

"Rye?"

"Yeah, can I not have a nickname for you too?" I don't see the big deal, this is just a normal name. There's not much to experiment with.

"Well, sure but can we have something more edgy? Like I'll call you Clumsy." It's best if I don't comment on that since it can be taken either way.

"I'm not that Clumsy!" I shop at his shirt with my hand and his hoodie zipper attacks my finger. "Ow!" Stupid jinxing. Always making an i***t out of me. "I should call you Thies."

"Why would you call me Thies?" That laugh of his makes me feel like I just discovered bacon. "I'm not some kind of vicious animal or something, am I?" Oh, honey! You are far from a vicious animal. More like a Greek mythology figure.

"No, but you're taller than me. And thicker."

"Callin' me fat?" This hole that I'm verbally digging myself into is getting so deep, I think that the mantle of the Earth isn't too far away.

"No! You're not fat, oh goodness no. Your stomach is like. . . " My hand touches his tummy. A freakin' plaque of wood. "Hard." He smiles at this and takes my hand.

Agastya, You release me right now or else I'll never make it into my front door. Then die. Then you'll be single and. . . ugh! Left with Decana! Yeah, you're letting go right now! I'm not letting her get her nasty, crusty looking hands on you!

My palm is clasped tightly in his, even when I try to tug away. "You can let go of my hand so I can go inside my house before my mom thinks I'm plotting some bomb attack with you out here." No response, just smirking. "Well, I mean I don't have a problem with it, but you know. . . " Jeopardy music. "What're you doing?"

"Do you think that if we went to," He takes a step backwards on my sidewalk to the corner of my house, bringing me with him. "This side of your house, can your mom still see us?" Around us is just the brick wall of my house with no windows and the crappy driveway behind me. No windows, no mother.

"No, there aren't any windows. Why do you wanna know?" Anybody who gets this question wrong is just a complete i***t who needs to wake the heck up and smell the stupid me's. This stomach needs to take a chill pill because it's not cool when it feels like there are three trillion twitching worms in it.

His arms wrap around my waist. Oh, my teeth fetish. "So we can have a private conversation." Whoa. No. Are you serious?

"Really?" My excited expression drops to a look of an obviously sleep deprived teen.

"Mhm. It'll be fun. Just follow my lead." Not this again. My oxygen supply feels like it's getting cut short when I see his face inching closer and lowering to my mouth. Does my breath stink? Should I have had that garlic bread yesterday? Oh no I'm gonna stink him away from me. Wait 'til he gets a whiff. Just wait. I'm probably the only person on Earth who can ruin every possible romantic moment in my life.

When he's close enough, it's obvious that we're not going to be interrupted. It's happening. It's really happening. I'm going to kiss Agastya! This is something that could be put in my diary if my mom hadn't vacuumed it up last year thinking it was a roach. My eyes droop down and I start to lean forward, sucking in my breath and hoping for the best.

"Oh em gee! Agastya? What're you doing over here?"

Possible ways to give someone a long, tortuous death:

a) Shoot them every time they blink, in a non-fatal area.

b) Back slap them with scorching hot sausages until they break out in boils.

c) Invite them over to your house to play a game that Jigsaw would conjure up.

This is why it's safer not to know people. Storming over to your house uninvited and thinking it's cool and friendly. No. It's irritating and makes me want to print a picture of you, then stab it with bobby pins.

Agastya's hands tighten around my waist in aggravation. Don't worry, Agastya. I'll help you hide the body.

"Hey, Decana." WHOA! Decana? Yea--no. Get off my property before you kill my grass like pesticides.

I don't just turn around; I broke the sound barrier turning around. "Decana?!"

She re-dyed her purple streak a darker purple. "Oh hey, Varnika," she says in that phony voice, flaunting her gap. She's just backwash in a human form. I don't respond to her as she comes towards me and Agastya. "So, Agastya, what brings you over here to. . ." She pauses and looks me up and down. Yeah, I'm dressed cuter than you. Quit lookin'. "Her house?" Obviously we were socializing intimately until you and your breath came over here.

"Uh, she's my girlfriend so I was walking her home?"

This weird and annoying, preppy girl laugh emits from her mouth as she playfully slaps Agastya on the arm making him wince. "Oh em gee, I know you're dating. I'm so happy for you two! I was just on my way to volleyball practice."

"There's practice on Saturdays?"

A large gulp goes down her throat. "Uh, yeah! We have extended practice. . ." Lies.

That's enough. Time to get her out of here. "Okay well, Decana. Thanks for coming by and all but weren't you walking in the direction of your home? School's the other way." And that's how it's done.

Her eye squints at me devilishly before she goes back "chipper". "Well yeah, but I was making a pit stop."

"So lemme get this straight: you walked from home, to school, back towards your house for a pit stop, and then back to school?" This i***t deserves to be a blonde or something. Probably that purple dye she's using is seeping through her brain and destroying cells.

"Yep. Well I gotta go now. Your little loss-- your friends are here. Toodles!" Toodles! Girl, shut up and keep walking with your bow-legged self.

I turn back to Agastya and he's staring at me with eyebrows raised. "Well that was something. I didn't know not being able to kiss me had that effect. But you have company so we'll do this later. See ya!" He winks and jogs away from my house just as Jannat, Rohan, and Peton are walking up to my house eyeballing me and Agastya departs. Crap, why are they even here?

Jannat speaks up. "Inside. Now."

**::**::**::**::**::**

When everyone came in, uninvited, to my finished basement, my mom went and got chips, dip and a twelve pack of soda. So I'm taking a wild guess that they plan on staying for quite a while because they're a little too comfortable being stretched out on my pillows, shoeless. Invaders.

"So." Peton pops a barbecue chip into her mouth, glaring at me. "How far'd he get?" Well c'mon in and bombard me with your personal questions!

"Nowhere. We didn't kiss." A small force hits my arm which I'm pretty sure would've hurt if I could be hurt in the first place. Thank you pink powder powers.

"I texted you to kiss him! Why didn't you do it?!" Rohan draws her hand back preparing for another punch. The dumb friend punches now? Oh, okay.

"I didn't do it because it's his job! I don't wanna feel all manly if I suggest it!" The arm lowers and she rolls her eyes yanking a pile of chips from the bag and violently eating it. It's like I'm watching Jannat at the zoo or something. Put her in a cage and watch how popular her exhibit gets.

"Honey, the man doesn't have to do everything. Sometimes they want the girl to do it." My mom flips her hair behind her head. "Besides, I saw you two out there in the yard earlier. I'd say you were pretty close to kissing." Don't encourage them, mom! You're supposed to be on my side!

"Well we almost kissed, twice." Everybody in the room perked up on their elbows. "Almost. I said almost." And now they've all blown me off again. Kind of.

"Wait. Whoa. Back up. Almost? Explain." Peton takes a sip of her Sprite and adjusts her square-frame glasses. Junk food party!

Great. Not only are they ganging up on me like I ate the last cookie, but they're ganging up on me about my boyfriend. "The first time I panicked and ran to the port-potty but then some chick came and I had t--" Go ahead, Varnika. Finish that stupid sentence and watch how fast I make it outta here. Do it. I dare you. "To um. Go to the next porta-potty." Nice save. They won't suspect anything you do! "And the second time was in front of my house right before Mean Butt Decana got us when we were millimeters apart."

My mom pops up. "Decana? The girl who made you hurt your eEmerylottis in elementary school?" I nod my head. "I never liked her father. So rude." Right. Hate the father but love the girl who hospitalized me for days--because that makes perfect sense. Dead silence takes over the room and I watch Peton try to balance a chip on the edge of her soda. It's nice to camp out down here and be fat and lazy. It's like a dream come true.

It's a little quiet, and I don't mind being quiet. But there's something else. What's wrong? I look around the room and everything seems fine to m--Jannat! That turd!

"Jannat?" I prop up on my elbows and stare at her, sitting next to me on her pillow. Her phone drops from her hand and she squeals. What's she all jumpy for? Guilty much? Frozen, she stares at me with wide, doe eyes. Except they're blue. I glance at the lit phone on the floor, at her, at the phone and back at her. Out of nowhere she charges for the phone and I do too. She did not. Just repeat history.

"Jannat! Give me the phone!" She's stronger than I thought but I manage to snatch the phone from her, twist around and read what's on the screen. Or should I say who's on the screen.

Call with Agastya Alvins ended.

She freakin'. Did not. "Jannat!" The phone gets chucked at her chest and hits dead on.

"Ow! What?!"

"You know what freakin' what! You called him!" She starts to smile at me. Not out of evilness, but sincerity might as well say it.

"It was an accident at first. But then he said to leave it on the line for a sec. I had to but dial him." So it's only half her fault. Still, she went along with it. What did Agastya even hear?

"How long was he on the phone?"

"From when you were all 'I don't wanna feel manly!', to right when you called my name." So he basically heard the whole conversation.

"Jannat. My life is gonna be ruined now. He knows everything!" I covered my face with my hands for a brief second before my text tone went off on my phone and I lazily picked it up.

'don't flip out on Jannat if you know what I'm talkin about. If this is confusing, ignore it. but we will soon ;)'

"Honey, why are your cheeks red? Who texted you? Is it Agastya?" My phone goes off again.

'blushing/? ;)'

Shut up, Agastya! That's why you made a stupid typo. Don't embarrass me in front of everybody who talks to me without asking for the answers to a test. Excluding Rohan. It's okay if it's her. The iPhone is grasped out of my hands by Rohan. What a coincidence, I was just thinking about her.

"Oh my gosh! Read it!" Everybody crowds around her, straining their necks like it'll actually grow, reading the text. I mean seriously. It's just a bunch of letters and symbols. I didn't know it could be so entertaining. Calm down you guys before my conscience threatens to demolish all of mankind or something.

Don't tempt me.

Oh my gosh that wasn't even normal.

Jannat nudges me on the arm with a wink. "Girl, you're gonna get kissed!" My cheeks turn even darker and I’m getting itchy. Thanks a lot guys. you’re making me uncomfortable in my own house.

“Okay, okay, we’ll stop.” Peton takes a dramatic breath in and then back out. “But do you think it’s gonna be more than a minute? Oh my gosh what if they do it twice?!” Ecstatic laughter erupts from their mouths.

“Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!” The complete volume decreased to negative three and they all stared at me in shock. Don’t act all surprised, this is the one thing I will always and forever feel weird talking about. I don’t think you’d like it if a stranger came up to you and started discussing how much fungus has grown between each of their toes and that it’s fatal, now would you? Didn’t think so.

“You’re all going girly on me and I really don’t like it. Please just. . . stop. It’s stressing me out.” The floor isn’t as soft as it looks because I just smacked my head into it and it feels like I just drove a chainsaw through my brain for fun.

A horror movie telephone ringing emerges from upstairs and my mom hops up to go get it. “Be right back girls.” Cue the crickets because everyone is just awkwardly glancing around out the basement windows and need-to-be-vacuumed carpet. Well, you all have mouths. Speak.

“Well,” Rohan says. “I think you’re only stressed because it’s your first lip action in two years.” Thanks for bringing up my lonely, nobody life, Rohan. I didn’t notice I haven’t had a boyfriend since eighth grade. Or the fact that my last kiss happened in an animal shop by the trash can for rodent dung and that Timmy didn’t brush his teeth that day and decided to use his tongue on top of that. My traumatizing experiences that I forget, always pop back up and explode in my face. No matter how many times I try to pretend they were only nightmares.