Not Real. Not Imaginary.

PART TWO: GREER. [A new form of despair]

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“It’s okay. I would’ve been sad if you hadn't at least said goodnight...” I fought to answer and keep my eyes open.

I suddenly thought that maybe she had felt the same way I do now, all those nights, long ago, when I had to make her sleep so she couldn’t see me….

She laid down and as usual, then fixed my hair. I don’t know why it was always like that. I didn’t think it was necessary for me to worry about my hair…but apparently it was a necessity for a female. She then gave me a small pat on the head…it made me feel…comforted, cared for….

In all of my years…I never once thought that these would be things I would feel, or yearn for. I was taught that I was meant to watch over my designed human from a good enough distance, not too close, not too far. Always watching them, without interfering…always being just a sort of spectator…just making sure that external forces wouldn’t meddle with them, modifying their circumstances and creating dangers that weren’t meant to be…even if you didn’t even know what was meant to be and what wasn’t.

I obviously didn’t follow those rules…when I saw all that pain, when I saw how undone she was…something took over me. The necessity to comfort that human that I had to just watch, made me get closer than I should’ve, and then, some sort of greed took over me, and I just wished I could get closer and closer…and then, she noticed me, and I should’ve done something about it, I should’ve done something to make sure she forgot me, and that she followed her life like she was supposed to, without me…but…it felt nice to be noticed, and it felt nicer to be needed….

With all of those things in my mind, and without thinking, I leant closer to her; then my lips gently, briefly, touched the smooth skin of her forehead. It felt cool, fresh…probably because she had just washed her face…and then, there was a tingling sensation on my lips.

I felt like I had just tasted some kind of forbidden fruit, and still…I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the contact, and the tingling sensation lingering in my lips, that made me feel something that I can only describe as inebriation…and I just wanted more.

But then…the heaviness in my chest came back, and my mind wandered to places I didn’t like.

I felt like I was suffocating, and in my mind swirled all of the thoughts that provoked those crippling sensations inside me… I closed my eyes and I tried with all my might not to open them…I felt she could see inside me if I opened them. And I certainly didn’t need her seeing what was going on inside me right now.

~~~~~

“Greer! I’ll go out for a couple hours!” I heard her yell from the kitchen.

She had been running around since a little bit after waking up. And though, at first, I was confused, and wondering what it all was about…I had an ugly sensation in my stomach…something told me I didn’t want to know the answer…but that just made me realize what it was all about.

She was probably going to meet with Terry…and for some reason, this time…this time it bothered me a lot more than any time before.

The last couple of weeks, I had been able to keep all of those feelings deep inside me, away from the surface…it hadn’t been easy, but I felt like I could control them. I guess it was because she hadn’t gone out too much at all…and for some reason it made me a little happy.

I am not saying that I didn’t feel that heaviness in my chest, or that…coldness, or the pure despair that spread through all my body, making me feel tingly, like I would break at any moment… but I had managed to push it deep within, somewhere it wouldn’t be a problem. Somewhere it couldn’t come out and haunt me…but, now…it was threatening to crawl back to the surface. And it was harder and harder to control it.

When I heard she was going out today, and thought she would probably go to Terry…I felt disappointed, and that only made it harder to keep fighting what was inside me....

“Oh…I thought we could spend the day together watching movies…”

I wanted her to stay with me…I desperately wanted her to stay there, with me…I wanted the ugly sensation to stop…and I wanted her to choose me over Terry….

That was it. I was jealous of their relationship. Jealous of the way Nina saw Terry in her mind.

When I had the great idea to try and snoop around on Nina’s mind, I opened some kind of door, I guess…and ever since that day, whenever I wasn’t careful, her memories slipped into my own mind….and they were clearer every time.

The first time I saw her memories…that time when I saw Terry…there…like that…it was like I was looking through a window, I was only a spectator. And every time her memories sipped into my mind, the window was clearer...and then it was like it slowly opened up. Soon, there was no more window and I could see things as if I was watching them with Nina’s own eyes.

All those small clips, and images of Terry, had a certain…quality to them…a brightness that revealed just how important she was for Nina, how much Nina liked being around her.

“I’m sorry, we’ll binge watch movies tomorrow, I promise.” Her soft voice distracted me from those thoughts. Then she placed her hand on my cheek and made sure my hair wasn’t so messy “I’ll bring a lot of sweets and snacks~.” She added in a cheerful tone, almost singing.

Her cheerful expression…made me feel so…helpless….

It made my heart flutter…and it brought back that heaviness to my chest, because…she was obviously happy to be able to meet up with Terry....

“It’s okay, I understand. Just take care…and…well…don’t be out too long...”

I couldn’t look up at her anymore at that moment. My face felt hot...my fingertips were tingly again.... It felt like something wanted to burst out of me, and I had to hold it back inside me. I didn’t want it to come out…I didn’t know exactly what it was…but I couldn’t let it out. I knew it would only make her feel bad.

My eyes started to sting…. a warmth slowly radiated around them. Just then, I felt Nina briefly press her lips on my forehead before she walked out the door. I looked up at her and at that moment...I felt warm droplets rolling down my cheeks.

I covered my face, not wanting Nina to see me like that…I would never allow that. That’d only add more to the baggage she was already carrying on her own.

The further her steps sounded in the hallway…the colder the room felt...the more droplets I shed, and then, I felt even more lost, and…alone....

I had never cried before…I didn’t know I was capable of it…and I hated it, every second. All these emotions…the contrast of the cold spreading inside and around me, against the warm tears dripping down my face.... I kept trying to wipe them away…but more came out...and more...and more....

Not only that…the tingling sensation in my fingers, it just…amplified…it was so overbearing. Soon my legs couldn’t support my own weight and I fell to the ground.

The sounds coming from within me…were so…human…so…painful to hear, even if they came from me. I couldn’t bear it.

How could humans do it? ...How could Nina still smile after...all this?

I don’t know how long I was like that for. All I knew was that I had somehow managed to fall asleep on the floor, right at the front door…and of course, I had lost my form again.

As soon as I could open my eyes, I tried to get up…but I was so weak, I could barely keep myself up. I kept trying until I managed to stand for longer than two seconds, and then I slowly made my way to the sofa.

I just mindlessly threw myself in it, grunting as the fall hit me. I stayed there, lying on my back...just staring at the ceiling for a good long while. I didn’t want to think of anything, or feel anything anymore…I was completely drained.

I didn’t even have energy to keep crying….

Thirst attacked me…but I just couldn’t even get up, so I laughed at myself…what a pathetic sight it must’ve been. A being like me…in this condition….

I covered my face with my hand again, keeping my eyes closed, and safe from the light of the room that was hurting them…my eyes that felt so weird now, after all that crying.

While I was trying to collect myself, and push all of those feelings back inside, where they wouldn’t make me feel so pathetic…I heard distant voices in my head.