Not Real. Not Imaginary.

PART FIVE: NINA. [Confusing answers]

Her crystalline voice rang familiarly in my ears, and I could only look back at her with confusion.

There was a part of me that was convinced that I knew that woman, and there was a part of me that found the woman to be a complete stranger.

She seemed to be from an entirely different time. Her attire looked similar to something an ancient roman, or maybe Greek, would’ve worn, and at the same time, it was so different. It was a simple white robe cinched to the waist by a sort of...wide, silver belt that seemed to be made of some kind of thin metal, and it had beautiful and delicate engravings all over it; on her head, she wore a silver diadem, adorned with several crystals, that hanged from it, over the woman’s forehead; her hair had several crystal and silvery beads on it, some braided, some just seemed to be magically holding on to her hair without falling.

All of those little details told me, that she must’ve been someone of very high social ranking in whatever civilization she came from.

She noticed my wandering and inspecting gaze, and smiled gently. I blushed when I saw that smile…I had been caught staring and basically checking someone out; and even if it wasn’t in a romantic kind of way…it was still embarrassing.

I shook my head to try and bring my focus back at the matter that had led me to that place in that moment.

“I want to know everything…I cannot live in the darkness anymore. But, first of all…who are you?” I could feel my brows furrowing as I looked at her with a questioning expression.

She nodded and took my hand in hers, very gently.

“My name is Lumina, and I am you.” She looked at me with a sort of…gentle seriousness, all over her delicate factions.

I stared at her blankly, blinking in a daze as I tried to process what she had just said.

“What…?” After a long pause, that’s all I managed to blurt out....

My brain felt like it had been turned to mush after the information recently released. She giggled delicately covering her mouth. She seemed really amused, and I was a little offended by it; I hadn’t come her to be made fun of…I needed information.

“It’s understandable that you are confused. Not everybody gets to know they had an ancient version of themselves locked up deep within their…hmm…mind? What do you call this place again?” She looked around seeming a little confused.

“The Prism…?” I answered, still in confusion.

“Oh, right…a lovely way to put it.” She smiled and clapped her hands together.

I didn’t understand the enthusiasm, but…then again, I didn’t understand anything of what was happening in that moment.

“I still…”

“Oh, right!” She cut in with a chuckle. The multiple crystals and beads on her hair jingled slightly with the movement. “I’m sorry, I tend to get distracted rather easily.”

I nodded in understanding. It was…a little annoying, especially when I only had like a billion of questions already in my mind, waiting to be answered….

“So…” I looked at her expectantly.

“Well, I think despite what you have denied to yourself, a part of you is still aware that this is not your first time having a physical body…” She tilted her head watching me closely, then she leant closer to me.

“Uhm…” I took a tiny step back, feeling a little invaded. “And what exactly does that...mean?”

She sighed softly and played with her very long, embroided hair. She seemed to be deep in thought for a long moment…in which I assume, she was trying to figure out the way to give me the information I needed delicately, but clear enough for me to understand it.

“You may not consciously believe in past lives, but you subconsciously know it is…at least a possibility. However, me, being here…it’s a proof that it is something real. So, to put it in other words…I am one of your past lives.” She dropped her shoulders seeming a little defeated as I looked at her blankly…I wasn’t confused, I was just…too surprised to know how to react. “Alia is a past version of you as well. And there are many, many more, but we are the one’s holding the information you need right now; we are the parts you need, to unlock your true essence…this time.”

“Oh…” I replied, still unsure of how to properly react to the situation.

“That’s…not the reaction I would’ve expected you to have…” She frowned and pouted a little disappointed.

“I... just…I think…I think I’m gonna sit now…” I moved towards the tree trunk and sat on the same place I had sat on the first time, when I encountered little Nina.

“I see…I’ll just give you a couple minutes for you to…process the information.” She looked apologetical.

I felt a little insulted because, to me, it seemed like…she thought I was weak. But I guess in that situation…she thought she was weak?.... I was so confused. So maybe she was right…I was weak. I wanted to know it all, but I was having trouble to process that piece of information…and I was sure, there would be a lot more that would be…much more difficult to hear than this.

There was no going back, and if I wanted to know everything…if I wanted to stop feeling lost…I just had to suck it up and wrap my head around it faster. I needed to be braver.

“It’s okay, just tell me everything. I’m ready…I gotta be!” I looked up at Lumina with determination, after taking a very deep breath.

“Are you sure?” She directed a warning gaze towards me.

“I am.” I replied and smiled at her.

She smiled back at me. She seemed really happy about my new determination. Then, she continued:

“Alia was here to teach you that, sometimes being alone isn’t that bad, and that not being alone doesn’t mean you aren’t lonely. You know why…right?” She observed me for a moment, and I nodded, I knew exactly why I needed to learn that.

I had lived my life searching for the acceptance of those around me, because I didn’t want to be alone. I searched for it to the extent of hurting myself. Yes...I had hurt myself when I decided to treat me just as everybody else did in a desperate attempt to be accepted and loved. And I hadn’t even managed to do that. I had been rejected by everyone no matter what, and then, I was rejected by myself because I saw my value in the appreciation other could offer, and not in myself.

Even at that moment, after having found out about all of the things I had found out about so far, I kept hiding myself from everyone, and kept trying to fit in. I knew I didn’t need to anymore…but there was still a fear inside me…a fear of being alone, of being rejected.

That was what led me to deny my true nature and had gotten myself in that mess, just to be something that I should’ve always been, just to be able to be myself. When was I going to finally be free from the trap I had built around myself? There was no denying it, I had got myself caught in that trap…if well, there were other people involved in making me feel bad…it was my responsibility, because…I left them break me down, when I tried to find my own value in their opinion.

Now it was time to get myself free; it was time, for me to realize my worth was within myself. I only needed to make sure I was good enough for me...and stop caring about fitting in.

After making sure I had understood it completely, Lumina continued:

“And well…little Nina was here to make you see, that you had never been wrong, and to make you see yourself with kinder eyes…treat yourself a little bit better…” I nodded again at her words, so she knew I was following. “And I am here because…” She sighed softly and crouched taking my hands on hers, then she looked directly in my eyes and smiled “I guess I am here to teach you how to forgive yourself, because I never could…”

She suddenly looked so sad, and I could feel that sadness rubbing onto me. Or maybe it had always been there…after all…wasn’t her sadness mine?

To find out that both, Alia and her were me, and I was somehow both of them…was so surreal…and it also made so much sense…all of those little parts of me were coming together, to show me something that I had forgotten.

Now I was really curious about Lumina…what had happened that made her be so hard on herself, when she seemed to be such a wise person? On top of that, she seemed so gentle and kind, so caring…she certainly wanted only good for me…so what could’ve gotten her to the point of not being able to forgive herself?

“What do you mean?” I asked after another moment of silence.

She seemed to be suddenly janked back to ‘reality’, as if her mind had been somewhere else….

“Right…well…I will need you to come with me…. Are you ready to have one more little adventure?”