Not Real. Not Imaginary.

PART ONE: NINA. [The proposal]

I got to the station and sighed in relief as I saw the train hadn’t left yet. I boarded and sat, as always, near the window. I tried to relax in my seat, but the whole way to the meeting point, I just couldn’t stay still.

I was worried about what I had seen. If Greer was crying, I wanted to comfort her, but she obviously didn’t want me to see her like that, or ask about what had her so under the weather lately.

When I arrived to the Hotel, Terry was already waiting. As soon as she saw me, a smile came to her face. She had her hair up this time and was wearing a navy-blue cocktail dress with a knee length circular flowy skirt, a sweetheart neckline and short sleeves. She really liked wearing navy-blue clothes…and with all reason. The color really favored her.

She hurried to my side and slid her arm around me, holding me by the waist as she pushed me directly towards the elevator this time. We went to the usual room but this time, when I walked past the door, the room was decorated with tons of red roses...EVERYWHERE.

I looked at her confused as she closed the door behind us.

“Uhm…Am I missing something?” I thought maybe I had forgotten about something she told me.

I looked at her, suddenly realizing her outfit was a bit too elegant to just be a work outfit. Then I looked down at my outfit, I felt extremely underdressed for the occasion, even if I had no idea of what the occasion was.

Yes, this time I was wearing a dress. But it wasn’t at all a formal dress, it was a summery, mid-thigh-length dress; black, with small stars and moons stamped all over it. And I was wearing black combat boots with it. Had my hair in a half pony tail again and I was wearing very little makeup.

“Surprise! It’s been three years since we met!” She sounded so excited, and she almost gave tiny hops in place as she looked at me and waited for my reaction.

“Has it really been that long?” I looked around again, feeling nervous and selfconscious. I felt the warmth of a soft blush tingling on my cheeks. “I feel kinda silly for not remembering now…”

“Nonsense, you’re fine. I remember because I have to keep record of everything, you know, schedules and all that.” She seemed slightly disappointed, but not any less happy.

I walked around the room and placed my bag down next to the bed. She sat at a small table there was on a side of the room, next to the wall, with only two chairs. She signaled me to sit in front of her, and so I did.

“Since it is such an important date, I wanted to do something different today and talk about our…arrangement.” To her words, I nodded and looked at her attentively. A hint of confusion must’ve sparkled in my eyes since she chuckled and added: “I just think it is time to change things a bit, it should be good for both of us.” She explained.

“Oh, if you want you can stop paying me, I’m making a bit of money on my own and I think I make enough to pay all the bills and maybe save a little extra to get a small house like we’ve always wanted.” I said, thinking about the ideal place I had always dreamed of living in, with Greer.

“We?” She raised an eyebrow.

“I mean I…like I’ve always wanted...”

She obviously didn’t know anything about Greer. Even if she did, she would never believe it, and more than that, she would probably think I am a freak and never talk to me again. And I couldn’t let that happen.

She was the only friend I had. Beyond the money and the eccentricities, she was the only one I could talk to, besides Greer. She was the only real person I had in my life.

I know it was unfair for Greer, since I had to keep her 'hidden' but I wasn’t ready to lose another friend just because I had to imagine someone in order to say goodbye to my solitude…sort of….

“Don’t be silly, if anything, I’m paying you more.”

I tilted my head confused at her words. We had agreed in the minimum since I didn’t want to depend absolutely on her, and since I wasn’t really doing nothing a friend wouldn’t usually do…except for the message…but that could be arguable.

“I’m sorry, but after all these years, I think it’s time for me to be a bit greedy with you. And ask for more.” She smiled, looking at me mysteriously. “I want to rewrite our contract. And change a lot of things. But I guess we should start little by little, so for now, I would like to add a clause…that states you should move in with me.”

I gasped and looked at her wide-eyed. My jaw probably dropped due to the surprise, because she started laughing, a lot. A soft warmth made me realize that I was blushing and, trying to seem normal, and leave all of the nervousness behind, I cleared my throat and tried to answer:

“I think it’s…I...” I couldn’t squeeze the words out of my throat.

Before I could form a coherent sentence, she placed her finger on my lips to stop me.

“Just think about it. Okay? You don’t have to answer me right away, I am aware that is a big step, and a lot to ask. Especially because, if you come live with me, you’ll have to spend more time listening to me, maybe give me a massage every night when I get back home from work…”

I stopped listening after she said that.

Home. For some reason, that word ignited a tiny spark inside me, a soft warmth wrapped around my heart and then evaporated as quickly as the image of Greer from this morning was projected in my mind and the warmth was replaced by a heavy sensation…guilt.

I shook my head and finally spoke:

“Terry, I don’t know about…this…you’re great, and I love you, but…I don’t know if it’d be the best idea.”

She looked at me; her expression: serious; the gray ice in her eyes seemed more…liquid, and, warm….like molten silver.

“Just think about it for a while okay. Don’t rush your answer.” She sighed before continuing “I know how shy you can be, and how you feel you’re a burden for the people around you. But it’s not like that. You’re not a burden to me. It’s actually the other way around. And right now, I am being selfish by asking this, but I just…really need you in my life. I don’t think you realize how important you are to me, and I don’t know how else I can demonstrate…”

I nodded as I listened to her. I understood how she felt, but that didn’t make the fact that I WAS a burden, untrue. She had been the one supporting me all this time; thanks to her I could get my head out of the water.

She took me out of the abusive environment I had gotten myself into, after trying to escape from a non-supportive one. She had gotten me the apartment Greer and I were living in now, she decorated it, she paid for absolutely everything for a good long while. And even after I started making my own money (which she thankfully never questioned about), she kept helping me with a part of the expenses by taking me in as her…well…her sort of...'Sugar Baby'.

And on top of that, she was my friend; the only one I had. She was a support for me in so many ways… And every day, I thanked the fact she had appeared in my life. Since she did, I felt a little less miserable.

I felt like I could finally breathe, like…like despite being in the middle of the ocean, in danger of drowning, I had a life saver at my reach, that wouldn’t let me go down.

So…I owe her a lot more than gratitude, even though I wasn’t entirely comfortable taking all that money from her, I never rejected it, especially at the beginning; because otherwise, I would´ve had to go back to that place, or maybe, I would’ve ended up in a worst one.

“If it really means that much, I’ll think about it.” I could do that much for her right?

As those words slipped out my mouth, I felt like something broke inside of me. Like something that I didn’t know was inside me, suddenly ruptured. And at that moment, everything went blurry. I couldn’t see Terry’s face clearly anymore; the room seemed to be slowly evaporating, and replaced by solid darkness. The delicate scent of the roses wasn’t reaching my nose anymore…and then, all I could see were those dark eyes… staring back into mine.