Not Real. Not Imaginary.

PART TWO: GREER. [A new emotion]

I gasped and suddenly I was back at the apartment, on the sofa where I had been this whole time.

Yes! I came back…It seemed like I had invaded her dream, and now I was back home.

That was the first time it ever happened, and…it was scary. But also, I was glad I could see things like she did at least a little...for even though I wasn’t really looking at them through her eyes, the image in her memory was her own vision of things.

~~~~~

She finally came back home. She seemed disturbed and tired...and I just wanted to hug her and tell her it was okay and she didn’t need to be sad anymore. So, I hurried to meet her right at the door.

She looked at me and smiled warmly...and amusedly...for some reason. She reached towards me and I could feel the warmth of her hand before she touched me. She gently tucked my hair behind my ear...and I wished the touch and the warmth could linger just a bit longer…I always wanted more….

I was really happy that...even if she thought I was just a figment of her imagination...she didn’t find it weird that we could touch each other. In fact, she seemed comforted by the idea. Because of this, and other little details, sometimes I wondered if maybe, she was conscious of the truth, but…it was all wishful thinking...because nothing changed...I still had to stay home...and I still had to be her secret.

“Why is your hair always so messy when you’re girly?” She chuckled, and I immediately felt my heart skip a beat.

I was the happiest when she smiled or laughed... even a small chuckle like that made me so happy. It meant she was still there; she wasn’t engulfed by her own pain.

She searched inside the pantry and found some ramen…I love ramen. The smell of it always makes me hungry, and if I knew that I had to play along for a while longer, I wouldn’t hesitate on getting some from her plate whenever she ate….

I think she was upset because I was staring too much, but I couldn’t help myself…she had been gone all day and I had been stuck home without anyone to talk to, or...anyone to take care of…I couldn’t accompany her and make sure she was safe all the time, so now that she was here, I was relieved I could watch over her again.

It could get annoying at times, I know. I understand, people like some…freedom and…they like to be able to do stuff without having eyes on them every second. Especially Nina, who was so used to being alone, and so traumatized by all those judging and mocking stares.

“How is Terry doing?” I thought I should say something…anything. There was a bit too much silence...or maybe...I just wanted to listen to her voice.

She seemed uncomfortable, and the silence wasn’t really making it any better. Her expression changed as soon as she heard me speak. She seemed stunned, and confused….

“Nina?”

“Oh, right, Terry…she’s fine, working a lot as usual.” She sounded hesitant and nervous…I got worried…. Maybe something had happened between them?

I didn’t ask about Terry before because…I didn’t really care about that. I knew who she was and I knew what she had done for Nina, and I was thankful…I really was…I just...wished I could do more for Nina, and I wish Nina could explore the world with me like she did with Terry...but, I was…resigned.

“Do you…have any movie or show requests?...” she asked.

She really seemed eager to change the subject. It piqued my curiosity and well…curiosity, in deed, killed the cat.

I really needed to know if something had happened. Because in all honesty, looking at the way she was acting made me consider something was wrong….

Nina and I share a bit more than she believes we do…her anxiety rubbed off on me and…I usually thought of all possible bad scenarios...sometimes the good ones too…but I usually thought a lot more of the bad ones.

I thought maybe I could do something similar to what had happened a little bit ago…when I…'accidentally' sneaked into her dream. It would probably be harder now, since she was conscious and aware.

“What did you guys eat today?” I just said whatever I could think of. I had been silent too long, trying to concentrate and it would seem suspicious.

For some reason, I felt that I was doing something bad. It felt really wrong...but she didn’t seem too keen on talking about it, she was taking so long to answer….

She took a deep breath...a very characteristic deep breath. Whenever she was upset, she had a way to do it that…made very evident how upset she was.

“The usual.” She shrugged, looking away “She ordered Spaghetti and I ordered a pizza...”

I had no idea what she had just said; to be honest, I wasn’t listening too much…and I wasn’t making any progress in figuring out how to see what had happened.

She made a circle with her hands, and I wasn’t sure why, but I nodded as if I understood something.

“What else did you do with her? You were out quite a while for just a lunch.”

I suddenly caught a glimpse of a memory, it was hazy…blurry, like if I was watching through a dusty window…but at the same time it was very clear. It was Terry…half naked.

After that vision, I couldn’t hear anything else. Something arose in me...violently thrashing and revolving inside me.

Why was Terry half naked? Why were they in THAT room?... I needed to know more. I…I couldn’t stop myself…I had never felt like this.

I the scent of roses.... Nina’s perfume, her shower gel, even her shampoo…they always smelled like roses. And it was the scent that better represented her. But the scent was all over Terry in this memory….

I felt a pressure on my chest...like I couldn’t breathe. A disconcerting sensation started to spread through my body, reaching my fingertips, where it intensified...and I was confused…I was confused that I knew exactly what it was....

Despair.

All that despair was freely coursing through my own veins. Now I knew what hurt felt like…but I couldn't quite understand why was I feeling like this? I couldn’t handle this new emotion, and I couldn’t understand it.

They were friends…and even if they weren’t…why…. why…WHY?

I couldn’t keep my form….

What I am, is a being that has no gender. Gender, is a human thing. Beings like me, didn’t have the necessity to be one thing or the other. We could change at will, from one gender to the other. Some of us preferred one, but we were never only one thing. Me…I was usually more comfortable in my male form. However, since the incident with her ex-boyfriend, I decided I would keep my feminine form...because it would be more comforting to her. Being around a guy all day probably would’ve been uncomfortable, maybe it would've sprung memories that we both preferred to keep away.

This emotion destabilized me...and so I was forced to take the shape that was less uncomfortable, and easier to maintain.

And then, when I thought I couldn’t take any more of it, and was about to leave her memory alone…I saw Terry’s eyes, almost devouring Nina. The molten metal in her eyes told me everything I needed…she wanted Nina. She probably did from the very first time she saw her and... that’s why she was helping her so much.

It was almost as if she wanted to possess her. To have Nina’s everything…her mind, her soul, her heart…her body.

“She picked the rose oil because the scent reminds her of you...” I couldn’t keep the words inside me, they just slipped, in a cold breath. I had never felt cold inside…not THIS cold.

For a moment, I wanted to tell her everything, and I wanted to beg her to stop seeing Terry…but then...something came to mind...but the thought was interrupted as I looked at Nina. A smile was now adorning her already perfect face…and it just completely disarmed me for a moment. But then the heaviness in my chest came back, crueler than before.

After watching her mental image of Terry, everything started to hurt.

I wondered if she smiled like that for Terry, if she felt the same need to see Terry that I felt to see her when she was gone, if she felt the same warm feeling inside that I felt when I looked into her eyes…into...my....

“What did you just say?” her smile faded.

I cursed myself in my mind.

The next words I was about to say hurt me more than anything, but…I had to ask, I needed to know. I already felt like my heart was made of lead. So, I needed to know this, just for my own peace of mind.

“Do you like Terry?”

She blinked and I could see nothing but confusion in her eyes....

“She picked that for you, you always smell like roses, and she misses you when you haven’t met for a long time…”

“How could you know that silly? I am just her friend, you know that. I offer her company and friendship and she helps us pay the bills…she and…well…you already know....” She told me, and after seeing my reaction, rolled her eyes, “I know you don’t like that, but with my history, it’s the best we can do for now”

She was right, I hated that she had to depend on Terry so much. And now, I just hated it even more. And so, I felt I needed to say something about it.

“Doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it...are you sure you can’t do something else? I don’t want you to suffer anymore Nina…”

“Who says I am?!” She snapped, throwing an angry glare at me.

I knew she had been better the last few years than all the years she spent alone and in those…poison-filled environments. I knew...but, I feared Terry would take her away, and after finally being able to be around her…like this…I didn’t want to go back to the way things were all those years ago when I couldn’t even talk to her, or see her looking back at me…smiling at me....

“I saw it…”

I wanted to tell her everything about me…about her. About how I was able to see Terry in her mind, and the hungry gaze she had when she looked at Nina. But I had to keep it to myself… I wasn’t yet sure of how Nina would react to the truth. I had to be careful and let her find out her own truth.

We stared at the ground for a moment, something was starting to change between us. I could feel it. Without a word, I walked away and sat on the sofa, staring at the TV without actually watching anything.

“Are you sure you can’t at least pretend that you eat? It is yummy…” she asked as she poured the ramen into a bowl.

No, I couldn’t tell her…not yet…not like this.