Not Real. Not Imaginary.

PART FIVE: NINA. [Unexpected Suggestions]

"How did it go?”

When I came back home, Greer greeted me, with a cheerfulness that she hadn’t in a while. Her eyes were slowly recovering the cheerful spark that I had taken for granted for so many years, and that I missed so much in past weeks. She was smiling brightly, and seemed genuinely happy once again when she skipped her way towards me.

“It was nice. I got to breathe some fresh air, and…I guess I feel a little bit lighter.”

I had been able to relax a little, and take my mind off of things for a moment. But I wasn’t being totally honest. I was conscious that I’d been avoiding contact with Terry, and I wasn’t sure if it was because I felt bad, for hiding the whole stalker deal to her, or if it was because of the decision I had yet to make regarding her, or…if it was to protect the smile I had missed so, so much….

“I am glad! ...now…we have to address a certain situation…” She sat at the kitchen table, and patted in front of her, indicating me to take the seat across. I rolled my eyes and sat in front of her, smiling awkwardly, because, of all the situations that had presented before me lately, I had no idea what she was referring to; but they were all just as complicated to talk about. “What are you gonna do about the stalker?”

My gaze fell down to my hands that were fidgeting on the table. I hadn’t given too much thought about the solution the whole time. I had been more focused on hiding it from everyone to ‘deal with it on my own’, and I had forgotten to actually try to figure out a solution. All I knew is that I wanted it to be over, and to be able to live without fear or shame for once.

“I haven’t really figured that out yet.” I confessed after what felt like a very long silence.

Greer nodded and seemed to be lost in thought for a moment.

“I cannot really do much to help with that…at least for now…” She sighed and brushed her hair back with both of her hands. “You know I really don’t like her, but…maybe...just maybe…it’s time that you let Terry on to this subject.” The next thing she said, for some reason, made my heart feel heavy. “And I think…you’d be safer…if you move in with her, after all…”

She didn’t seem happy about the things that she had just said. In fact, her smile, which, in that moment was obvious to me, she had forced herself to show before, was so sad all of a sudden...so much, that it made my heart ache.

“I can’t. It just doesn’t feel right. She already helped me with a similar subject, remember? That’s why we are here.” I looked all around me, studying the place I had come to so I could escape from my past. “And also…it’s embarrassing to confess to her the way I’ve been getting money this whole time. It is almost as embarrassing as confessing that I left the same thing to happen to me again!”

I looked at her pleadingly, and I could see her face wince in pain as she heard me say those words.

“There is nothing for you to be ashamed of…I thought we had already made that clear…” She reached across the table and cupped my cheek tenderly. I closed my eyes sadly as I leant onto her hand.

I could feel the warmth of her hand already making me feel better. The way I felt when Greer was around…was so different than anything else…. I felt secure, so much, that sometimes I thought, that as long as I had her by my side, I could overcome everything…. Now I felt silly for hiding the whole deal from her.

However, her words before…the fact that she suggested that I should move in with Terry, because she couldn’t help me…made me feel discouraged. In fact, I was disappointed. Disappointed because, the one that was trying to cheer me on, and make sure I wouldn’t lose faith in myself…the one that made sure I realized nothing of what was happening was my fault, and the one trying to give me strength…didn’t realize just how much value she had for me; she didn’t realize how much her sole presence meant for me.

“Greer…” I called at her softly, and she looked at me so helplessly, that I wished the table wasn’t there so I could just throw myself in her arms. “answer me honestly…do you want me to go live with Terry?”

She looked away and sighed sadly. It felt like the sigh of someone that was giving up, and I didn’t like it at all.

“I don’t WANT you to…but I think under these circumstances…it would be the best for you, Nina…I hate that I can’t really protect you…not the way she can do it…” Her tone was heartbreaking. It was filled with some sort of despair, and it made my heart feel so much heavier than before.

“What if I don’t want to go?!” I was a little upset. It felt like she was giving up on me rather easily…so I sounded a bit harsher than I intended to.

She sighed and leant back on her seat. She seemed defeated, and that didn’t make me feel any less offended and…sad. I was hoping she would seem relieved that I didn’t want to go, happy even…not...that....

“I can’t force you…and I hate myself for saying all of this, but…I still think you’d be safer with her…you should accept her proposal…” She bit her lip, nervously, as she looked down sadly “and you should tell her about the stalker…I know it’s easier said than done…but I wouldn’t forgive myself if anything happened to you, and right now…this is the only thing I can do to protect you.” Her voice was breaking a little at the end….

I got up suddenly, startling Greer a little and making her look up in surprise. I was on the verge of tears and I didn’t want her to see me when they started to roll down my cheeks, which happened as soon as I ran into the bedroom and closed the door.

The tears just started to pour down, nonstop, like they had been there the whole time, just waiting. I covered my mouth trying to quiet it down, Greer seemed to be in enough distress and I didn’t want to cause her anymore, even if she was in part responsible for mine.

I never imagined I’d be so hurt by something like that, in all the years I had made her stay by my side. It made no sense to me to be feeling that way towards her, considering her nature. And at the same time…it made perfect sense.

I was too distracted trying to keep Terry by my side, because I had never had a real friend before, one that would stay even after getting to know me, like Terry did. But then, as I thought about it all, I realized, Terry didn’t know everything yet, and I felt bad for not telling her. But I felt even worse when I realized that I was wrong, after realizing, that Greer had always fulfilled that role…and I felt bad for not thinking of Greer as a real friend, even when logic told me I wasn’t wrong.

If she was a figment of my imagination, technically speaking, she wasn’t a ‘real friend’, but it was also true that she had been my only friend for years, even if she was just a sort of hallucination. And I still owed to her, didn’t I?

Greer was my best friend. No matter what, she was always there, even though she was hurt too…she still was by my side, and I had always taken for granted her companionship, her friendship, and her strength to lean on, whenever I was feeling weak. It turns out, I never paid attention and when she was feeling weak, I didn’t have strength to lend to her; when she was hurt, I wasn’t by her side…not like she was for me.

The whole situation was still very new, and somehow, unknown to me. If there was anything that I could be sure of, was that…I wanted to do for Greer the same she did for me all the time. I needed to show her more gratitude…maybe then, she wouldn’t feel so powerless. Maybe then…she would realize that she was more than enough for me.

I didn’t care if she was real or not. I still felt the same way towards her, and her pain seemed very real to me. How could I be capable of create such a complex individual…such a complex situation?

I sat on the bed, hugging my knees to my chest and just looked out the window. It was night, but the moon was so big and bright…and I couldn’t help but to wish Greer was there, so we could watch it together.

Then I felt something deep within me, calling me….something locked in for a long time, something…that would help me unravel this whole situation, that would help me make sense of everything that was on my mind in that moment...something that would either help me put and end on the madness...or make me lose my mind....for real....