Love you Both, Love me Too

Dash: Wanting and Hoping

God, I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She looked like a f*****g angel standing in the bright columns of fading sunlight that struck her just right; highlighting every curve of her body and every dimple in her face and making me feel like I was flying.

Where had I gone so wrong, and when the hell had I become some kind of sappy, poetic, lovelorn loser who lusted over a woman I couldn't have?

I had allowed my own selfish desires to completely cloud over the most important friendship I had,

The only friendship I had.

Sela wasn't someone that I could ever be with, and yet here I was, wanting her so desperately that I was afraid to get out of my chair, lest I embarrass myself with my obvious desire for her.

Life had been so much easier when I had tried to make it on my own. So much easier before Thomas had forced me out of my depression and into a life that Conner would have been proud of.

I was a loner, sure, but more out of fearful necessity than a desire to actually be alone.

When Conner died, I felt as if I had lost my brother and my only connection to the world. In had stepped Thomas, his best friend, and despite our differences, we had bridged a connection that seemed impossible to destroy. Thomas wouldn't take no for an answer, and practically forced himself into every nook and cranny of my life, and now I couldn't imagine living without him. He had kept me on the force when I wanted to quit. He had taken me back home when I wanted to drown my misery in every bottle I could get my hands on. I owed him everything.

And yet, the only thing I wanted in the world at that moment would irrevocably destroy our friendship forever. I refused to cross that line, no matter how badly I wanted to, but I toed it awfully close for someone who was afraid of falling over the edge.

What the hell was I doing?

"I've dealt with more than you know, Dash. I don't even have a family to turn to. Or if I do, I don't remember them."

In her eyes, I recognized that singular look of despair; the hopelessness of not knowing exactly who she was. I wondered if Thomas really knew the woman he had fallen in love with.

I wondered if I did. Sela was so beautiful and carefree, but she hid away from the world in such a way that I wondered exactly where she had come from. I worried for Thomas; worried that this love was too fast and too serious, but he wouldn't be persuaded away from her side from the moment we had met her.

If only I had acted first.

I had been struck, almost as if in a daze, when she had rounded the corner of the grocery store and nearly collided with the two of us, arguing over which ice cream we could fit into the already overstuffed freezer at the tiny apartment we had shared since we came back into town.

Sela had smiled, and I had faded almost into nonexistence as I watched Thomas act where I could not. They had loved each other on sight, and if anything, it proved to me that they had been meant to be and I should find a way to let it go.

Only I just couldn't.

I had never loved anyone before her, and I knew I would never love anyone after.

Sela had become a friend as she and Thomas had fallen in love, but now I was certain that there was something between us; something more than the small glances and endless dancing around each other that we allowed.

I knew, however, that I could never ever act on it. It didn't keep me from the library, nor from following them around, invited of course, wherever the two of them went. It didn't stop me lying awake at night, trying hard to listen if the two of them were making love before Sela would leave for home, blissfully untouched and still hopelessly desirable.

She had kept Thomas at arm's length, slowing their courtship to an almost standstill, as if she were afraid of falling in love. Thomas had noticed, but he gave her space and time; both of which had not eased the feeling in his heart that something wasn't quite right.

"Are you OK, Sela?"

She seemed startled by the question as she looked at me, and it dawned on me that no one had ever bothered to ask her that before. Eventually, the tension eased from her body and she offered me a small smile.

"I'm Ok, Dash. Thanks for asking."

I wanted to do so much more than just ask, I wanted to take her in my arms and make sure that everything in her life was beautiful and right from that moment on.

I had never had it so bad for anyone before, and she was the one person on this Earth that I could never have.

"If you need someone to talk to..."

I left the statement open-ended, knowing it mirrored her own offer from earlier. She didn't look away from me as she normally did, allowing her eyes to fall on mine as we stared at each other in silence.

Eventually, quietly, regretfully...

...Sela looked away.

"Thanks again for the book."

I spoke as if I were leaving but never got up to leave. Sometimes I would stay there longer than she would; standing outside the quiet and empty library long after she had gone upstairs or joined Thomas for dinner. I would imagine what it would be like if she had been joining me instead. I imagined the two of us never leaving that peaceful place in the center of town.

Sometimes, Sela would glance over to me as she was leaving as if she was contemplating staying just a while longer. Sometimes I wondered if she wanted me. But she would leave, as always, and I would be left wanting and waiting for something that would never come.

You can never, ever have her.

Thomas loved her too much, and Sela, though reserved, seemed to love him just as much.

So why was I so certain that she wanted me to be there with her as badly as wanted to be there myself?