Love you Both, Love me Too

Dash: Loss and Love

"So what's the plan for tonight? You going to the festival or what?"

Sela had excused herself, and as she left the booth I fought like hell to avoid watching her walk away.

Thomas was staring me down with a strange look in his eyes, but he didn't say anything that would indicate he knew what I was thinking. I needed to be more careful. I needed to stop wearing my heart on my goddamn sleeve every time I was around her.

"I don't know. It seems a little over the top."

I was reluctant for any kind of recognition for my actions on that horrific night. It seemed so...wrong. If Thomas ever found out what I had to do with that fire...with Conner's death...I knew he would never forgive me.

I knew one day the past would catch up to me, I knew the things that I had hidden from my brothers would one day be my downfall. I didn't know it would be theirs as well.

Conner hadn't deserved his fate, and even as all my secrets went up in flames on that fateful night, I knew there would come a time where I would pay dearly for my sins.

I cleared my throat as he smiled softly, and I knew there was something else he needed to tell me. He hesitated for a while, looking back briefly towards where Sela had gone. There was a pain in his eyes I couldn't ignore. Something was wrong.

"Dashiel, the Director is dead."

I felt my heart sink and break in one breath, hoping against hope that what he was telling me wasn't true. The man had been the only father figure I had ever known. Uriel was his name, though he hated being called by it, and so The Director it was. When he had injured himself while we were still young children, he had placed Kokabiel, Conner, in charge of my welfare. Between him and Thomas, I never had to worry about being the target of the older children, but I still looked up to the old man as if he were family.

"What happened?"

Guilt flared inside me as I regretted not going to see him as promised. He held so few joys in his final days, and Thomas and I were the last of them.

I could see Thomas hesitating, and it dawned on me that he had the nerve to use my full name.

"And don't ever call me Dashiel again, Tomiel."

He snorted and then laughed, and belatedly I wondered where Sela had gone to. He tried to drop the subject of Uriel, but I needed to know what happened to him.

"You haven't answered me."

Sela chose that moment to emerge from the other end of the restaurant, and I couldn't help the way my eyes drifted to her and my breath caught in my throat. Thomas noticed, damn it, and I struggled to hide my embarrassment.

"See something you like, Dash?"

The question held no ill will, but there was a stern curiosity behind it that held a warning. He was aware of how I felt about Sela.

He wanted me to know that he was aware.

Fuck.

I exhaled and shook my head, trying to offer my apology without words, but Thomas let it go as soon as it had come up. He trusted me, and I knew that I wouldn't let him down.

As Sela took her seat next to Thomas again, both of us immediately noticed that she seemed flustered and out of breath. I wanted to reach out, but hesitated and tried to push my guilt about Conner and my desperate need for information about The Director out of my mind. Sela looked terrified, but as soon as she was within our midst again, she seemed fine.

What had frightened her so much?

I looked towards the bathroom and noted no mysterious patrons who could have startled her.

"Are you all right?"

I watched as Thomas put his arms around her, comforting her with a kiss to her hair. I was desperately envious, and I struggled to hide it. My emotions were in turmoil, and at that moment I hated Thomas for what I couldn't have. The bastard still hadn't told me what had happened to the Director.

He was avoiding it, and in my heart, I knew something was wrong. Had it been one of the other boys? Had he taken his own life?

Whatever had happened, I knew I wasn't going to get much from Thomas.

He was...distracted.

"I'm going to head home and freshen up for tonight. I'll see you there, love. You too, right, Dash?"

Sela looked at me expectantly, and I couldn't say no, but I knew I was running short on time. I needed to get to the old orphanage before everything was boxed up and shuttered away forever.

Sela left us, and I wasted no time in trying to get an answer from Thomas.

"Thomas. Tell me what happened to him, or I'm going to go and find out myself."

He sighed heavily, watching me with those over-protective eyes he knew I hated. I wasn't a child any longer. I didn't need to be protected.

"He was murdered, Dash. The police still don't have anything. Stay away from the house, do you understand? They've put up police tape already. They're investigating. Let them investigate."

He warned me carefully, knowing damn well that I wasn't going to listen. I wasn't going to let the monster who had killed Uriel get away with it.

"Sela wants to see you there tonight. Don't forget. I...I have something big planned."

He smiled at me as I got up to leave, and I paused as he pulled the box from his pocket.

"Is it too soon? Maybe it's too soon."

His self-doubts were creeping up on him, and I knew I had to say something despite the lump that had formed in my throat.

"If you love her, it's never too soon, Thomas."