Broken Brothers In Love

Chapter 3: Kiss

William

I was a natural actor. My acting skills were close to perfection. Well who wouldn’t perfect an act done a thousand times repeatedly? This façade that I‘ve been pulling off since forever was a natural evolution. I had done it so many times that nobody would know everything was just an act. Where I was going with this?

 It was the usual inner battle, really. But this inner battle was larger than life that it kept me restrained in a cell of my own thoughts and longings.

When Taylor entered the office, I went to him like a metal attracted to a magnet. I had to go near him, follow him around and parade my newly shaved self, or maybe let him smell my cologne, because he used to say he loved my smell. 

I didn’t know, I just thought I needed to do that. But where did that get me? Nowhere, of course. All these things I did to get his attention, all of these efforts were all for nothing. It was not like he would get back with me, because in the first place I did not like to ask him. I couldn’t have the guts to mention anything about us, anyway. After what I told him before as if moving on from our relationship was a piece of cake to me, he probably had no any f*****g clue how I was dying inside from wanting him.

 But god, I wanted him all day. I wanted to touch his heated cheeks as he sang those songs with me. I wanted to touch any part of him, to be close to him and have my way to any surface of him, I wanted his lips in wherever part of me, and….. You certainly get that by now. Unfortunately, those yearnings were to stay in my pants.

 That made me miserable all day long though. So I texted this girl I met the other day for some company. But when I remembered that they just celebrated their anniversary that week, I was brought back to the ugly scene two years ago. I’d started to feel sore and I despised the feeling so bad.

 I tried to get over him, god believe me, I tried so hard. Out of desperation, my tactics changed over the course of time. I avoided him like a plague at first, but the more days I never spoke to him, the emptier I’d felt. I was like a vacant shell. I felt dead. It was too tiring to fight the current when you knew that its source was an endless water supply. And I didn’t want to be in that fight.

So I gave in. When I realized that silent treatment was not doing both of us any good, I started having frequent s*x. Actually, too much s*x whenever I got the chance, and at the same time, I tried being casual towards him. That way, I let him put me upside down again and again without him even doing anything. He was crazy beautiful. And I couldn’t shake off the thought that I had him once but let him go.

I started there, I gradually let myself get close to him as if he was not hurting me. Because damn, it was the only way for me to relieve myself. I needed Taylor in my life and I couldn’t stay angry at him forever, or even for a month. He hurt me, but they were overpowered by the lingering moments we shared - of those times when he cuddled me in his arms and whispered loving words in my ears. So I remained a lovesick puppy over Taylor. I moved around him, wiggling my tail, giving my shameless affection even if he never wanted it anymore. Our brotherly bond helped me heal to a great extent to be honest, even though there was this big black hole in my chest, I stayed sane because we kept in touch.

I was not stupid to observe his reservations. I knew Taylor wasn’t completely comfortable around me. It was either he still had feelings for me or he still felt guilty or ashamed. Either way, what I just wanted was to be close to him. Maybe getting near him would help me heal completely, who knew the enigma of emotional healing? So even if I knew he would refuse, I still kept on asking him to hang out with me during our long breaks. It felt to me that I had to do something to see him at least, but damn Taylor was always so rigid.

He was probably afraid of my s*x appeal - of course that occurred to me, many times in fact. If it was hard for me to get over him, he probably felt the same. Sometimes, I would be tempted to focus on the thin possibility. But whenever he would show some soft spot and whenever I would try to stir things up, he would withdraw even before I started. So I still couldn’t figure out if he was sending signals or what.

“f**k! That hurts!” I accidentally hit my head on the roof of my car, great. It effectively pulled me from reverie.

I silently entered our house rubbing my still hurting head and walked into my room. So I just had a mind blowing s*x with this hottie I had met at Wade’s last night. But to be honest, I still felt empty. s*x was awesome. It was good as it happened. But after the heat passed, I would always go back to this mean and stubborn coldness.

I immediately stripped off my clothes, grabbed my towel and wrapped it on my waist and went to the bathroom hoping that the hot water would help me feel better somehow. I failed. The shower room was the same room we shared during those times that we stupidly fooled around in spite of the possibility of getting caught. My, my, how could I be able to forget about Taylor’s eyes as he squatted on the floor sucking my d**k while fingering himself? How could I forget how much I loved sucking his neck as I ground myself with him? How could I move on when all I saw in this freaking room were the naughty things we had done and could be still doing if only he was not much of a heartbreaker?

I guess two rounds were not enough to empty my little William, it stood up proudly with a hello-you can’t-resist-m**********g feel. Or maybe I just couldn’t help but to touch myself when I have these thoughts of Taylor.

So I simply grabbed my c**k with my left hand and m*********d, welcoming the dirty thoughts in my head.

“Oh, fuck.” I hissed. I imagined his fingers around my c**k while we kissed roughly. I moved my hands faster on my length and imagined feeling him again. In my arms, on my lips, his hands on my hair, his stare. 

“Shiiit.” 

My little William spat his load on the wall of the bathroom. I released a deep sigh and stood still as I caught my breath.

I dried my hair with my towel and lay down on my bed. Sleep deprivation was always my case each night. They say that unspoken love will eat you up inside. I was experiencing it every damn day. It was too painful, sometimes it was hard to breathe.

Now that he was married to her, Taylor seemed to have gotten over this sickness. While it stayed in my system like a plague. I blamed Taylor for doing this to me, but I couldn’t unlove him despite it. I just couldn’t.

Why do I blame him? Because it was really his fault.

I could still remember every single detail of that night. The night he came home drunk. He'd been drinking secretly with his friends. I had wanted to go with him, but he kept saying that when I turned 16, he’d let me but not until my next birthday so I had just let him be.

It was almost 4am when he came home, he had to use the window to make sure that no one would know his crime except me, as usual.

"Tay, you're drunk again?" The answer was obvious, but I wanted him to know that I was still awake. I sat on my bed, even though I’d been feeling so sleepy and tired.

 "Oh, hi, William! Whyyy’re you still awake?" He asked sheepishly, struggling to walk, some of his blonde hairs were all over his face.

"I don't know, I just can't sleep.” To be honest, Taylor worried me too much. I didn’t like the idea of him drinking outside but I couldn't stop him. So whenever he was out with his friends without our parents’ knowledge, I always had a hard time sleeping. Or I never slept at all until he got back.

He sat beside me and put his right arm on my shoulder. “Whyyy you can’t sleep?” I could smell the alcohol from his breath which smelled appealing. I remembered how good it felt to try to catch the air from his words and drink his smell.

"Taylor, you’re always drinking, what do you get from it?” I asked, trying so hard not to sound accusing. “I mean, it can’t be fun if you’re waking up in the morning with a headache and feeling like you need to puke, right?"

He smirked. “It’sss fun,  William  , believe me. Don’t worry on your sixteenth birthday, wewill drinkuntil we pash out.” He was really drunk, but his slur was kind of adorable. I moved my head from side to side grinning to lightly show my disagreement. I already experienced it myself. In fact, the first time was when I was only 13. I drank alone in our basement. Nobody knew about it until now. So the fact that he would be looking like a crap tomorrow made me think that – that fun he was talking about was not worth it.

He suddenly lay down on his side. "It hurts,  William  ”

“Huh?” I looked down on his almost weightless torso.

He was getting thinner I thought. “What hurts?” Finally caught up with what he said, I touched his arm, then his torso, his neck and inspected if he was hurt.

When he just bitterly smiled, I realized he wasn’t ‘hurt’, “what do you mean?”

“Iwhish I,,,, could tell you.” His eyes were closed. He seemed ready to sleep.

"You wish you could tell me? Hey, Tay, you’re on my bed!” As much as I wanted to know his problem, I also didn't want him to sleep on my bed. We shared bed before when we were younger but not now anymore. That was years ago. And I didn't want to sleep on his bed! I wanted to sleep on my bed.

 His eyes opened and he smiled and he had this dreamy look in his face as he stared at me. He looked creepy in a way that time, to be honest. And me, being me, I couldn’t help being me, of course.

“Tay, are you on drugs?” I asked jokingly.

Taylor furrowed his eyebrows, his drunk eyes suddenly went wild as if he was surprised or something. He sat up in a hurry and stood. But since he was drunk, he was unable to stand up straight, he swayed.

 “Is this boat sinking? Oh, I was the one sinking. Sinking in this dark, dark, dark, very, very, very dark hole.” He said animatedly pointing his finger on the floor.

I laughed. He pouted his lips and looked accusingly at me and walked lazily towards his bed.

He plumped down on it as if the gravity was very strong. I followed him there and I sat down beside his waist. He was breathing really hard, walking towards his bed seemed to tire him that much?

“I'm f****d up." He mumbled to himself. Ok, that made me curious.

“What do you mean? Man, are you ok?” I tapped my fingers on his left shoulder. His eyes were closed.

“Go to sleep,  William .” He turned his back to me.

What the f**k? He just told me that he was hurting and that he was f****d up and then he would leave it just like that?

Personally, I believed that when people were drunk, they were more honest with their feelings. And I thought Taylor was going through something. Was that the reason why he was drinking a lot lately? Problems about Lyrette? Were my thoughts.

I sat there on his bed watching his back. I counted one to ten before I spoke. “Taylor, you know, if there’s something that’s bothering you, you can always tell me.” He remained silent. I waited for him to say something but he did not speak. He just started to…. sniffed.

I rubbed the back of my head not knowing what to do. His shoulders shook. What the hell? He was crying!?!

Ok, so my brother was crying, as in literally there might be fat tears running down his cheeks right now. So what do I do?! 

I screamed that in my head. I couldn’t think of anything to make him feel better at least.

But I got to try, I stammered when I spoke, “T-tay?” I touched his shoulder lightly.

His back stiffened. “Goaway.

Was he angry at me now? Hey, I was just trying to be a good brother here. “Tay, why are you crying?” I scooted closer, I tilted my head over the side of his head so that I could see him. His nose was red, tears in his eyes as he looked at the wall of our room.

“I’ll be ok,  William  , don’t worry about me.” He successfully said without a slur, but raw pain was in his voice. And I knew I had to make things better for him, letting him know that I was willing to listen might do the  trick.

“Did you and Lyrette have a fight? Did you break up?” Well, I couldn’t think of any other reasons for him to cry like that.

“No.”

Ok, they did not break up. So, why?

“Uhm. So what is it?” I asked softly.

" William  , I can't. I wish,,, I wish I could tell you.”

I sighed. "Tay, you can tell it to me, I promise I won’t tell anyone. I will zip my mouth. You can tell me what's bothering you, don't keep it to yourself. You can talk to me. I think you’ll feel better if you will vent it out." I talked fast, unsure if he understood everything I said. But if he had a problem, I wanted him to tell me, at least to lighten the burden. I could give him my sympathy if not my help. But I was willing to give him all the help that I could give.

He moved his head and looked at me. His blue eyes showed me a struggling Taylor. With tears in his eyes. Tired. Sad.

“ William, what do you think about me? “ He said through a whisper. Almost dreamily, he was staring at me with those big blue eyes with that look I couldn't read.

The question came out of nowhere, so I didn’t know what to say. I just stared at him, thinking of an answer. And at the same time, cursing in my head thinking that I wanted to punch whoever it was who made Taylor this sad. This was the first time I saw him like this. And it must have been a serious problem because he would not be crying in front of me if he was not really hurt.

 I was about to answer him when he sat up and faced me again. His eyes looked at me expectantly.

“I, well, I think you’re a nice guy. You’re the most-good looking in our band, and you seemed like the front man. You’re also a good brother, I think?”

Disbelief was obvious in his face. I snorted. It was embarrassing on my part to tell him that he was the most-good looking in our band and yet he would not believe me? Oh. come on.

“No, William. You’re wrong.” I couldn’t look away in his eyes. I noticed how beautiful they were. And I could smell the alcohol from his breathing. It felt, well, I thought it was disgusting to even think about it. So I just stared back at him as if I was not feeling this something.

“You are.” Now it was my turn to furrow my eyebrows. Is he telling me that I’m the most-good looking guy in our band? Or is he telling me that he’s not a nice guy and it is me?

“Uhm, me? What about me?”

He licked his lips and stared right through my soul without blinking. Well, that was how I thought at that time, “You are the most beautiful thing I saw.” His eyes blinked a few times as if realizing how awkward his statement was and looked away.

I probably should say something, was it a compliment? But it felt really awkward? Uncomfortable? Thrilling? And my brother, he was being so cute with tears. How could he be so cute while crying? But at the same time, my chest was aching, like something was poking it repeatedly. f**k, what was I feeling?!

When he looked at me again and breathed a deep breath. His eyes looked determined.

I was so confused, I didn’t know what to say, but I couldn’t look away. Our eye contact seemed to be very important not to break. I didn’t know why, but I thought thousands of butterflies flew inside my stomach and I’d felt a smashing feeling in my chest. My mouth parted and I was thinking of what to say. Something clever to erase the uneasy feeling. I was blushing, damn awkward.

He spoke again. This time, his face was so damn near my face and I was drinking his breath, and I didn’t know why I was f*****g mesmerized by his eyes and the smell of him.

“I love you.”

I did not understand those words he said the first time. I was busy looking at him. Because he was so near and I loved the way his breath brushed my cheeks. My eyes lowered and I saw him bite his lower lip as it shivered. I blinked my eyes forcefully and I played back in my head what he said. Over and over again.

I swallowed. Couldn’t move. Couldn’t think. Ok. So my brother loves me, is that one of the most normal facts in the world? Yes. So why the f**k I’m f*****g feeling this?

“T-tay?”

“Sssssshhhh don’t talk, just listen.” His breath brushed my cheek once again. I wanted to move away. But I liked to smell him more. My brother Taylor, I thought, was so beautiful that night.

“I love you, more than you’ll ever know. I love you, god, William, I love you.” He closed his eyes, tears ran down his cheeks. And then he moved away. Which, f**k, disappointed me. I almost wanted to pull him close to me again so I could look at him in close proximity. I was losing my mind as I watched my brother. I didn’t understand a thing that was happening. I was just watching and watching and feeling. Feeling this want.

He put his hands on his face, his shoulders shook. That brought me back somehow.

He, I mean, he loves me. He loves me, his brother, but he loves me? 

“T-tay” His name was the only word my mouth could form, my mind was gabbling in a cocktail mix of crazy thoughts. He loves me? Really? That’s,,,, not possible I think? 

“W-William, please don’t tell anyone. You told me I can vent it out.” He sat on the floor, knees on his chest. “I’m so sorry. I’m not supposed to tell you. I’m,,, this is crazy. I really hope this is not true, but it’s true. I’m in love with my brother. To you. I love you.” He was crying harder now. He was shaking. He rested his face on his arms as he sobbed.

I was utterly shocked. I mean, who wouldn’t? We were close, as in really tight. But I really had no idea that he felt that way for me. I mean, I was just me, what was there to love about me? I didn’t even smell good, our band mates were very vocal about it. And if there was one person here getting all the attention and admiration, it shouldn’t be me, it was Taylor. Everybody could see that. 

His perfectly shaped face and body structure were beautiful, in fact, even boys like me couldn’t help but appreciate his features. So it never occurred to me, even in my wildest dreams that he was in love with me. I was nothing compared to him, Taylor was the real head turner, while I was just the drummer of the band.

Besides, who would be in love with his brother? And wait, so he was gay? And god, being gay was one thing, but being gay and being in love with your brother? That’s double f**k. Seriously.

I didn’t want to believe it, but Taylor was right there sniffing like a child on the floor as I remained gaping at him.

Long gap of silence stung my ears except Taylor’s soft furrs.

I was supposed to be upset. But I did not feel that. My heart ached for him. Taylor was in love with me. He loved me and he was going through it alone. He was fighting his feelings and he was struggling. He got thinner, and he changed.

So that explained the sudden change of moods. He always tried to cover it up, he always tried to act normally. But somehow, he failed. I noticed those changes, his awkwardness. And I thought he was just going through a rough puberty or something, I even once thought that the jest of the band's schedule was tiring him out. So I just observed his awkwardness but never voiced it out. I was too busy 'bullying' and pestering him about other things and just brushed off the thought. 

So that was it. It was not right. But he felt it and he was stopping himself. I’d never been in love. But I knew it would be difficult to love someone who was not loving you in return, especially our situation? It was really f****d up!

So I reached out. I sat beside him, mimicking his position and put my right arm on his shoulders and rested my hand on his arm lightly.  He cried harder. I pulled him closer.

What should I do?

With all the sympathy I’d felt for him, I faced him and placed my other hand over his hand. “Hey, it’ll be ok. I’m not mad at you.” I was not mad at him. I hoped that lifted a few burdens from his shoulders.

He looked up, blue eyes to brown eyes. He was beautiful. He was Taylor. I never thought of the awkwardness of my actions, my thoughts were to comfort him. I brushed my thumb on his cheeks not knowing what I was doing. I was mesmerized. His eyes seemed to give me all the love in the world.

His face neared mine and I couldn’t move, because, hey, I was sitting, it was difficult to move away! Or was it?

It felt like I had no control of what was happening, I didn’t know why I liked the fact that he was nearing his face, that I could easily smell his breathing. I just didn’t move; I let him do what he wanted to do with me. Because maybe that was what I also wanted, without me knowing it?

It was f****d up, but I let him.

I let his lips touch mine. I let him kiss me.

It was painful to look back, but it was the only thing that helped me get through each day. Knowing that he loved me, knowing that he could love me that way and it was not just me. It would f*****g hurt more to think that it was just me..

That kiss started it all. That kiss started the best feelings I’d ever felt in the 19 years of my existence. But that kiss also caused my pain. I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth. I was still as f****d up as before. I didn't know when I would be able to get over it.