Broken Brothers In Love

Chapter 1: Not Okay

April 2019

Taylor

 Fooling everybody was difficult. The one doing the dirty affront to those people being lied to was the one who suffered the most. I faced the battle alone. The people watching from the outside would never have a f*****g clue how exactly it felt like. 

 I was feeling bitter all over. I tasted bitterness as I ate; I tasted my own blood as I sucked my repeatedly bitten lips.

 It was too bitter, everything felt bland but bitter. I felt tired tasting it, but for some reason, I could not let go of the recurring taste in my mouth. 

My pretension felt too heavy to carry but I just kept on putting one foot in front of the other, chewed up food, breathed-in and breathed-out, slept whenever it felt I finally could, and spoke as if nothing was disquieting my thoughts.

 I knew my mom was on the verge of asking to cancel the marriage. But I couldn't do anything. Because I… couldn't.

So I simply watched people around me without really seeing them. Because whatever it was I was doing or not doing, my mind and heart travelled in memories that I wanted to linger on. Because it was all that I could do to relieve myself from pain.

In the first 24 hours that we broke up, the pain I’d felt already passed the point of bearing. I couldn’t care less anymore what people would say.

And then more days passed by without a word from him in spite of my efforts to reach out. It had been too long since the last time I heard his voice, it had been too long since the last time we touched. 

I knew he needed time, but I also needed to know how he was doing. My pain was too much and if he was feeling the same, I couldn’t let him get through this alone. I wanted him to know that I would be there for him no matter what even if I decided for us to go through another chapter of our lives apart.

 I entered our room, eyes fixated on his still figure wondering if he would give me honest answers or if he would even speak to me at all. I sat on my bed watching him intently, the young boy staring at the ceiling seemed not to sense anything, seemed not to see me or feel my presence.

My eyes crawled on his still form. He hadn’t changed clothes since last night, he wore the same yellow shirt with white stripes on the sleeves. 

I wanted to talk to him badly, but how? 

“William, I bet you didn’t take a bath today,” or, “William, aren’t you planning to change your shirt? You’ve been wearing that since yesterday, want me to get you a shirt?”  How about, “Man, you’re smelly as hell, I can smell you from here,” then I’d throw him one of his shirts?

SHIT. 

I better go straight to what I really wanted to say, though. So I cleared my throat bravely, “William? Can we talk?” 

I silently congratulated myself for sounding casual. But when he remained still and his silence ensued, my next words didn’t have the same tone at all. It was weaker, more cautious.

“W-william, we need to talk,” I breathed, “come on. How are you doing these days? A-are you ok?”

He sneered and said without looking at me, “I am, Tay, ok? Both of us will eventually marry someone. Damn, we can’t marry each other.”

His matter of fact statement made me feel like a child being lectured on but I brushed off the thought. I could feel anger from him but I knew we needed to talk things through. I needed to make him understand..

“I know it was all sudden, and it was not that easy for me and for you to just…”

“I can deal with it. I can accept it. It’s fine. Stop it, Tay.” He interrupted before facing the side of the wall where I wouldn’t see his face, signaling me that it was the end of our conversation, if it could be called a conversation at all.

I gaped at him longer than I wanted to. William would snob anyone but me. I was used to getting his attention. Whether it be a flick of my tongue or just a suggestive nod, William would respond like a melting ice under the sun. Like it was the most natural thing to give in to what I wanted, just like what I was towards him.

Suddenly, panic rushed through me. I already lost him. I knew I already did but a part of me remained in this illusion that William and I could move on easily, that things would be alright and would start falling into place. But with his tone and the way he spoke to me, I realized how much I f****d things up. 

Gone were his smiles and goofy sides; gone were his clingy acts that undeniably touched me like a protective hen to its chicks. Gone was this relationship between us that brought me to heaven, oh so many times.

 I wanted to cry. I wanted to simply lie down somewhere and pour my pains out. But I couldn’t.

I knew William needed someone to help him get past this s**t that we were going through and he got no one but me. So I ended up sitting on the side of his bed, shaking and massaging his shoulders lightly with earnest intensity to comfort him.

“Will, let’s talk more about this, please, everything you feel, I can’t stand not knowing it. I’m here and will always listen.” I did not hide the pain in my voice, besides, I had no strength to do so, I was drained. 

“f**k you, don’t you f*****g touch me.” I gasped. He bolted out of the bed.

Tears welled up my eyes, “William, please listen, this is for you, too, please I’m doing this for you.” I reached out again for his hand.

“Shut the f**k up,” he hissed. William never coursed unnecessarily, but he still did so that time. I just stared at him pleadingly, shamelessly. Because for him I’d do anything. If he’d know how things had to happen for us to change, maybe, maybe, he’d feel less hurt, more accepting.

I couldn’t give up that easily, I stood up fast and cornered him, his back behind the wall, my hands both on his arms. “I love you, I love you more than life itself, and because of that, this has to happen. You deserve everything, Will, you deserve more than me.”

William simply looked at me and pressed himself against the wall defeated. He closed his eyes and started beating my chest and back. I simply pushed myself against him and pressed his head at the side of my neck.

His movements weakened and I took the chance, “Will, please.” I begged wholeheartedly. “I never wanted you to be in this situation. I never wanted to hurt you in any way. But I made a mistake. A big mistake of luring you in a relationship that should not exist. I was so wrong. I never thought about what would happen to you in the future, I only thought about my wants. I was stupid.” I tightened my arms around him like iron bands, strong grief made my voice horse.

“And… And I had to stop. And if you feel like I was such an asshole I’m never stopping you from feeling that way, but I want you to be okay. Please tell me what I have to do to make you feel better.”

He whimpered suddenly, “please, Taylor.” His hands were not beating anymore but pulling me closer.

Shit.

 So I pulled myself from him, “no!” William gripped my shirt and looked me straight in the eye.

“Listen, damn it!” I covered his cheeks with my hands and stroked them like I always did. “Give yourself some time, Will, I promise you, before you know it, you’d be over me. I promise you, this pain will go away sooner that you thought.” I stared at him intently, all tears, I didn’t care.  

 “F-f**k you!” His strong clutch remained in my shirt. And I gave him all of my love by simply looking at him, letting him rip my shirt. I just remained caressing his face and watching him cry. We both goddamn cried while looking at each other and it was all I could do to comfort him….