The Last Letter

11

Chapter XI

I knew their names because Benjamin told my grandma and my grandma never keeps a secret from me. She told me everything Benjamin told her that day. And I was shocked to hear that he was the son of the mayor who made our restaurant known.

I was too shy to thank him for his family’s help so I talked to him regularly when he visited our restaurant and he would always walk me home even though it was unnecessary since we hardly knew each other.

At first I was uncomfortable because of my traumatic past that I had to fight to get over for years. But as time passed by, I realized it was really sweet and thoughtful of him but I thought about it at night and I felt that I needed to stop him from doing that.

I know his feelings for me and I’m afraid he might fall deeper if this continues.

I decided and started to avoid Benjamin. It was hard to keep doing that as I see him in the restaurant almost everyday and I consider him as a good friend now. Things got suddenly worse when he confessed one day and told me he loves me and I knew right then and there, I had to turn him down face to face.

Everybody could tell he was heartbroken by the way he looked at me. And I just told him we’ve just known each other for months, I don’t believe he could develop such a thing as love for me in that short amount of time. And I also told him I am too young and that I was not ready to enter into a relationship yet. I still want to finish my studies and have a stable job in order to support my grandparents so that they won’t have to work.

And not only that, I don’t have any intimate feelings for him. I just consider him as a friend and this rejection I made feels like I’ll lose him now.

I really thought he would stop after I rejected him.

But the day after, I felt guilty when he still came by the restaurant, as if nothing happened between us the day before. Grandma didn't know what was going on so she thought that day was just normal.

He talked to me that day after my shift again and told me that he can wait till I am ready. That he will pursue me even if I turned him down again and again.

For now, I promised myself to just focus on my grandparents so that they would not overwork since it can be dangerous especially for my grandma.

But not long after that… For the millionth time, my heart broke again. This time, it was the most painful of all.

I was 17 when my grandma passed away.

At home, she had a stroke again, worse than before so she was admitted again in the hospital. It was late when we found her because I was in school that time and grandpa went to the restaurant earlier than usual.

She was unconscious for all of her remaining days. In 3 days, her condition worsened, affecting her heart and continued to become worse for a few more days and she eventually fell into a coma.

A week later, May 22, 1993 at 3:35 pm, she died from cardiac arrest.

As I looked at my grandmother lying in the hospital bed, I suddenly felt that this was all my fault. I should’ve paid more attention to her health and didn’t make her overwork rather than minding unnecessary things. I was so ashamed to even face my grandpa and my foster siblings now.

But that night, when one of my foster siblings took me and grandpa home to rest, they said that no one is in fault with this. No one can foresee death so we shouldn’t blame ourselves. I think they noticed how silent and stressed I was during the last days of my grandma.

And they also said that grandma wouldn’t want to see me in that state. And that If I feel like crying, I shouldn’t suppress my emotions because it will hurt more if I keep it all inside.

That night, I cried my heart out alone in my bedroom.

We were all devastated most especially, grandpa.

Grandpa wanted to hold my grandma’s funeral in our old house in the province where they found me. It was fine for me since I didn’t care about anything at all that time. Not the restaurant, not Benjamin, not anything. I was too heartbroken for the sudden death of my loved one.

It was the first time I saw my Grandpa bursting to tears for all of my time living with them. It has been heart wrenching since I knew him as a really strong and dependable head of our home.

During my grandma’s funeral days, I see grandpa always staring at her casket, not speaking to any of us, not with guests, nor his children. Sometimes I would just hold his hand and sit with him for hours.

Now that I start to process in my mind that my one and only grandma has passed away, I had so many realizations. If I knew it would be the last time, I should’ve told grandma how grateful I am for her for coming into my life. I should’ve told her how much I love her when she can still see and hear me. I should’ve given her a kiss or a hug that day before going to school. I have so many regrets now that she’s gone. Oh God, I miss her so much.

I wish I could turn back time to say all of my heart’s content for her. The 7 years with her passed like a flash in my mind. I even started to question God again for all these heartbreaks.

Why do the best people die so soon? Why does it have to be my grandma when she is like the person on my earth? All those questions that only will be left unanswered.

When it was the day of my grandma’s interment, I tried so hard not to mourn in order to mentally and emotionally support and comfort my grandpa but I failed so hard. My grandpa quietly sobbed beside me and that made my throat ache so much that I eventually burst into tears. My plan ultimately failed. I think that day, I cried the hardest out of my 17 year of life.

After a month of my grandma’s death, we decided to close the restaurant down and my grandpa sold it to pay for our remaining expenses at the restaurant and some of the money fell into grandpa’s savings in order for him to have money for his maintenance medicines.

My grandpa told me we will live in the province where one of his children lives but I insisted on staying at our house where we lived because I don’t want to be a burden for both my grandpa and his child. Moving houses is also a hassle for me since I am in 10th grade and I will soon enter college in no time.

I also told grandpa that he should sell the house after I finish highschool and use the money to keep himself healthy and that I’ll be okay living by myself. I also promised that I’ll visit him always and I’ll keep him in touch.

I started living independently and got a job at a small restaurant in the city. Their pay is slightly better than my pay at the convenience store I worked at before. I didn’t think about anything, I just thought about how I’ll get through everyday so matter what job comes my way, I’ll gladly accept it.

I also continued studying as I was on my way to graduate from high school when grandma died. I did all the school work I missed since I was absent for about two weeks. I got so busy as I both did my studies as well as my work afterschool.

I almost even completely forgot about Benjamin. I feel so sorry for him for I left without even saying anything but now, I might seem selfish but I hoped I won’t see him with me in this state. But deep inside, I know that would be impossible as this is such a small province.

Sooner or later, chances are high that we’ll see each other by coincidence. I really hope that if that day comes, his feelings for me are gone.