WHEN HE FINALLY LOOKED BACK

Episode 5

"Who is Celeste Hart to you?"

I didn't even realize the question had left my lips until it was already out there in the air.

Silence.

Complete silence.

At some point, I started to wonder whether Damian heard me.

I was standing right outside the bookstore, with my phone held against my ear.

Cars were passing by.

People were laughing.

Some kid was crying somewhere nearby as he demanded an ice cream cone.

All of that seemed so normal and natural.

Normal lives.

While my heart was desperately waiting for the answer.

Finally, I heard his voice.

"Why are you asking?"

I let out a tiny sigh of relief.

Because that definitely wasn't a denial.

And that definitely wasn't confusion.

Because that was the sound of someone who was considering what parts of the truth to reveal.

"Because she sent you a lighter and a note which asks you to remember your anniversary."

Silence.

Longer this time.

"Come home, Aria."

“Why do you keep doing that?” I said.

I looked at my reflection inside the bookstore window.

Even though it was hard to make myself out in the dark, I managed to see that I looked tired.

"I will ask you when I get home,"

I ended the call before he had any opportunity to say anything.

*****

The mansion remained exactly the same when I returned.

Warm light from the windows.

Quiet flow of water in the fountain.

It all looked so perfect.

So luxurious.

Just like those luxurious hotels people post online and write about their 'dream life'.

Hotels.

Not homes.

Homes are supposed to show signs of everyday life.

Homes remember anniversaries.

Homes have laughter.

Homes are decorated with photos which were taken by someone who is not an interior designer.

I opened the front door.

Maria appeared immediately.

"Mrs. Crowe, you're back."

"Where's Damian?"

"In his office."

Of course, he was there.

I handed Maria my coat and went upstairs.

The office door was slightly open.

Damian was sitting behind his desk and reading some documents.

His jacket was hung over the chair.

Tie was missing.

The silver lighter was lying next to his laptop.

He looked at me when I entered the office.

For a brief moment, none of us said anything.

Then he closed the file he was reading.

"You wanted to ask me something."

Straight to the point.

Just like always.

I stepped inside and closed the door.

"Who is Celeste Hart to you?"

His expression remained neutral.

"An old friend."

"No."

His eyes narrowed.

"No?"

"People keep lighters of their old friends for a few days, not years."

He leaned back in his chair.

Silence.

After some time, he finally answered.

"We dated."

Simple and direct.

But the single word caused an unpleasant feeling in my chest.

I just nodded.

"How serious was it?"

His eyes shifted towards the lighter.

"Serious."

The answer hurt more than it was supposed to.

Not because he fell in love before me.

But because the past exists.

I understand that.

What hurt was the realization that he knew much more about the girl he dated years ago than he ever knew about me.

"Why did you break up?"

"She left."

Instant reaction.

I was stunned.

"Left?"

"She moved overseas with her family."

"And that was it?"

His jaw tightened.

"More or less."

Surely, it was another incomplete truth.

But pressuring Damian Crowe is like pressuring rock.

The harder you try, the less you receive.

I looked at the lighter.

"You kept it."

"Yes."

"Why?"

His fingers tapped against the desk, then stopped.

"It was important to me."

It took me by surprise.

Not the words themselves.

But the fact that he said them so openly.

Without any hesitation.

Without any doubt.

Just the truth.

I looked at my wedding ring.

Four years.

Four years of marriage and I couldn't recall a single moment when Damian called something which belonged to me important.

I opened my mouth and asked

"Do you still love her?"

Silence.

His eyes locked on mine without saying a word.

"I married you."

Not yes.

Not, no.

I felt my chest tighten.

Because somehow that answer was worse than both.

*****

That night sleep refused to come again.

I was lying awake staring at the ceiling as city lights created some shadows in the room.

Beside me, Damian was working on his laptop in the sitting area by the window.

The soft clicking of keys filled the silence.

Finally, I turned to him.

"Damian?"

He stopped typing.

"Hm?"

"What was she like?"

He looked at me.

"Who?"

"Celeste."

He looked at me carefully.

"Why do you want to know?"

‘Because she was the spirit sitting between us each time we talked.

Because she was occupying places in his heart that I have tried to reach for four years now.

Because I wanted to know what she has, and I haven't.’ I thought to myself

Instead of all that I said

"I'm just curious."

He looked at the laptop screen again.

"She was stubborn."

That caught me off guard.

His lips formed a smile.

The first real smile ever.

"Very stubborn."

I was silent and I paid attention.

"She hated being told what to do."

Another sentence.

Another piece of the puzzle.

"She loved traveling."

His eyes softened.

"She once forced me to get on a train just because she wanted to see the ocean during winter."

I was staring at him.

Not the story itself.

But him.

Because Damian was smiling.

Not politely.

Not professionally.

But it was a real smile.

That version of him I've never seen before.

The smile went immediately when he realized that I was looking at him.

He looked away.

Silence.

I turned back to the ceiling.

"She sounds unforgettable."

His answer was so soft I could barely hear it.

"She was."

These words settled in my heart.

The truth said without cruelty.

Without intention of hurt.

Maybe that made it even worse.

Because sometimes people can hurt you while being honest.

*****

The following afternoon, I was at a charity luncheon with Lily.

I wasn't paying attention to speeches.

Or the food.

Or the decorations.

Until I heard a familiar name.

"...and we'd like to thank Ms. Celeste Hart for her generous contribution."

I raised my head immediately.

The applause started.

Then she stood up.

Elegant, confident and beautiful.

Beautiful enough to make people stop talking as she enters the room.

I heard Lily's mumble next to me.

I wasn't listening.

Because her eyes found mine across the room.

She was smiling.

Not unkindly.

Not smugly.

Just that knowing smile.

As if she knew that I would be here.

As if she knew that I would hear her name.

A few minutes later, she approached our table.

"Aria."

Her voice was warm.

Too warm.

"Celeste."

She looked at the empty seat next to me.

"No Damian today?"

I forced a smile.

"Work."

"Some things never change."

The words were casual.

But something inside me caught on with them.

Never change.

She noticed.

Of course, she noticed.

Her expression softened.

"He used to miss our dates because of work too."

Our dates.

I looked at her.

She was looking at me calmly.

Then she said the only thing I wasn't prepared for.

"The difference is..."

She hesitated.

"He always came after me."

My fingers squeezed the glass in my hand.

Before I had a chance to say something, her phone started ringing.

On the table between us.

The screen was directed upwards.

The name shown on the screen robbed me of my breath.

Damian Calling.

She looked at the screen.

Then she looked at me.

Slowly.

Very slowly.

She was smiling at me.