In Time

A New Start

It was not lost on me that it was my birthday and yet here I was at someone else's party. If I were honest with myself I shouldn't be here, this is not something I do. Parties are for popular people, not book nerds like me but here I was standing awkwardly hidden in the furthest, darkest corner of the room.  My eyes found Jake as soon as he entered the room. He was the only reason I was here, I had to tell him now or risk not ever telling him, the summer was almost over and he would be leaving soon though it was only for a short period it had made me face what life would be without him. He may have grown in popularity over the years but he remained one of my best friends, he and Taylor had always been there. I watched with keen eyes as he made his way through the crowd, I smiled at how everyone seemed to flock to him. He was a genuine person not a bad bone in his body. His dirty blonde hair was combed back, his warm brown eyes danced with excitement. I hesitated to move as I watched him lean in talking closely to someone who then pointed to the stairs. I followed at a distance so that I might catch him alone and finally tell him what it is I have been holding in for years. I was in love with him, I had been for years. I can't recall a time in the past ten years that I didn't love him. I weaved through the crowd going un-noticed. Confused I watched as Jake went past the bathroom and slipped into a different door. I took a deep breath trying to calm my heart. I pushed forward after hesitating for several moments. My hand reached the door handle and I paused closing my eyes I pushed the door open. I wish I had kept them closed, I wish I would have never followed him here. I stood my eyes wide with shock, the room was dimly lit but there was no mistaking what was taking place in front of me, I stood for what seemed like forever. "I'm... I'm sorry." That was all I could say. "Emily, is that you?" His eyes squinted in my direction and he quickly turned to face me. My heart sank further and I felt a sick tightening in my throat. I let out a choked sob, spinning on my hills I fled out into the night, I ran even though I could hear his voice calling my name from behind. Taylor's flushed face mocked me as I climbed to the highest point of our house where my room, my haven waited. I slammed the door closed behind me sliding the lock into place. I didn't want to be bothered as I fall apart. The tapestries that hung everywhere from the ceiling gave my room a bohemian feel. I collapsed on my bed allowing my tears to flow.  I don't know how long I cried before there came a knocking from my door. I ignored it knowing it wasn't either of my parents as they were out of town on business. "Emily?" I knew his voice and it tore through me like a bolt of lightning. "Open the door." I remained still and silent, how could I face him after running away like that, what would I say to him, how would I explain my reaction to what I saw. "Come on Emmy, I know you're in there." I could hear the concern in his voice but still, I couldn't bring myself to face him. The childhood nickname was like another twist of the knife, he had always called me that though I hated the name, it never bothered me when he used it before but now it was salt in the wound.  "Please open the door." There was an audible sigh from the opposite side of the door. "I didn't want you to find out this way, we didn't." At his confession, I felt lightning hot anger shoot through me and I darted from my bed flinging the door open. Jake took a step back his eyes wide with shock. "How long have the two of you been sneaking around behind my back?" I tried to keep my voice steady but knew I had failed. "We never planned for this to happen." His voice was low and laced with guilt. He took a hesitant step forward offering his hand. "How long?" My anger was growing stronger by the minute. "Almost a year." His hand fell to his side and his head hung refusing to look me in the eyes. "Seriously Jake?" I snapped and I could feel the threat of fresh tears burning my eyes once more. "How could you?" I choked out fighting like hell to not break down. "It's not his fault." My head snapped to the landing behind him, where Taylor stood wringing her hands. "I'm so sorry Emily, he wanted to tell you but I was afraid.." Her words trailed off as her shoulders sagged and she attempted to move forward. "Get out." My voice was much calmer than I felt. It was a lie to the storm that raged in me, how could they sneak around for a year behind my back. Yeah, the truth would have hurt but lying to me for a year. I had made a fool of myself, all those times I had spilled my guts to her telling her all the things I couldn't tell Jake.  Jake shook his head taking another step towards me. "Come on Emmy, you can be that mad?" His voice was low with a hint of playfulness to it which only worked to fuel the flames of my anger. "I said get out, get out, I don't ever want to talk to either one of you again." A look of regret crossed over Taylor's face as she backed away her eyes filling with tears. Jake only stood his mouth opening and closing again like a fish out of the water, confusion cloaking his handsome face. I slammed the door, sinking to the floor as they took their leave.  After I was sure they had left and I was able to pull myself up from the floor I quickly made my way downstairs and locked the doors, making sure that no one would make it into the house again. I laid in bed trying to find my calm but it alluded me throughout the night. Every time I closed my eyes the love scene I had walked in on played in my mind and I felt my heart break a little more each time I recalled it.  Days passed and I remained hidden from the world. Ignoring every call and every text, my voicemail now full. Finally, after several minutes of insistent buzzing from my phone, I picked it up to see Taylor's number flashing across the screen and my anger was renewed.  "What do you want?" I snapped into the mouthpiece. "I've been worried about you. Jake said you won't answer him either." Her voice was quiet. "I told you I never wanted to see either of you again which means I don't want to hear from you either." I bit out not giving her a chance to respond I ended the call.  I decided I would have my number changed as soon as possible. As far as I was concerned they were nothing to me. I would cut them out of my life for good and they could be happy together without having to hide their relationship from me. My phone buzzed again this time it was a text from Jake. "I'm sorry Emmy, I didn't think it would upset you this much for me and Taylor to hook up." A small part of me felt guilty, he knew nothing of my feelings for him but I still couldn't bring myself to forgive them. Another week passed and the calls and texts had finally stopped, part of me was thankful while another part of me felt as though there was a hole in it. I shook the feeling away remembering what I had walked in on and quickly that hole was filled with anger.   I wasn't sure how I would ever go back out into the world again, but as the new school year loomed ahead I knew I would have no choice but to return. My anxiety increased at the thought of seeing the two of them though I doubted I would. Jake was surely off to college while Taylor and I had one more year before that journey started, but even just the thought of seeing her was enough to cause my heart to tighten. With her betrayal, I felt as though I had lost my only sister and first love all at once. My parents had returned last night in good spirits from their last business venture. They had asked me to join them for lunch today to discuss some things. When I joined them they both looked happy and full of youth for being in their late forties. "Your father and I have a few things we need to discuss with you." My mother's eyes glittered against the afternoon sun that beamed through the windows. I on the other hand inherited my father's grey eyes with dark raven-colored hair, the opposite of my mother's vibrant green ones with her golden blonde hair. "We have decided it best to relocate." His voice was calm and void of any type of emotion. My mother had explained that my father loved us deeply but was unable to show or share his feelings openly. My father's steel eyes scanned my face, perhaps waiting for a reaction of some sort, but I only sat there poking at the food on my plate. "You're going to love it. Castine, Maine. It's a little coastal town." My mother explained her eyebrows knitting together in curiosity when I failed to respond to anything they said, her eyes examining my face slowly. "What's wrong Emily?" My mother's stern question brought my eyes up to meet hers and I fought back the urge to dive into her arms knowing too well she wouldn't approve of any emotional outburst. "It's nothing, sounds like a great place." My parents eyed each other, then me. My mother gave my father a knowing look and he made a quick exit, waiting until he was gone my mother reached across the table placing her hand on top of mine. "Is this about Jake and Taylor?" My eyes dropped and I fought to hide the emotion welling up inside.  How did she know? As if hearing my thoughts she clears her throat. "I talked to Jake's mother this morning she told me about Jake and Taylor dating." I swallowed the lump that formed at the mention of the two of them. "She also said that Jake had told her that you wouldn't talk to either of them now." She paused pulling her hand back. "I know you think you were in love with him, but really Emily it's not the end of the world, there will be others that will come along." There's the mother I had come to know. The one that always scolded and chided me whenever I showed emotions. "Now straighten up and stiffen that upper lip." I had heard that more times in my life than I cared to. Just once I wanted comfort, to be told it's okay to cry, it's okay to feel as though my life was over and my heart would never mend. The typical teenage bullshit, but I was a Buchair and we don't do emotions, we don't have breakdowns. I gave a heavy sigh and pushing everything deeper into the darkest parts of me I straightened my shoulders and lifted my chin. "So when are we moving?" I asked feigning interest. She plastered a smile on her face showing her perfect white teeth. "Well your father and I thought it best if we get it done before you start your senior year, so we were looking into next week, we already made all the arrangements this past week for living quarters and that." She spoke in that nonchalant manner of hers as if it were nothing more than the weather.  I felt a pang of unimportance as she rambled on about the plans she and my father had made. I tried to care but I felt empty, all the emotions I had felt only moments ago were now gone and I felt nothing but a great void.  The next few days flew by in a blur of boxes and wrapping, my parents hosting a slew of their friends to say goodbye. A part of me was thankful that I had no one to say my goodbyes to. The thought of never seeing Taylor was a relief but a part of me regrets that I will never see Jake again. With that thought, there came a lite tapping at my door. I turned, calling to them to enter. I instantly wished I could take the invitation back. The manifestation of my very thoughts stood before me staring down at his feet. "What do you want?" I asked accusation thick in my tone. His brown eyes lifted to mine looking sad and kind of lost. "My mom came by to say goodbye to your parents." He paused taking a small step towards me. "I can't believe you're moving."  I watched him intently. "Why would you care, you're leaving for college anyways?" My question was laced with venom despite my efforts to keep my emotions hidden. "Come on Emmy, you're my best friend." I snickered at his comment feeling the sting of Taylor and his betrayal freshly.  "Best friends don't keep secrets." I sneered. He flinched at my words and I knew I had struck a chord. Something I took as contentment flashed across his face. "Well, I guess we both failed there." With nothing else said he turned and disappeared.  My mind raced trying to figure out what he might have meant by that statement. The only thing I had ever kept from him was my feelings towards him. It was the only thing I couldn't talk to him about. Taylor was the only one who I had let in on her true feelings. My eyes widened as I came to the only conclusion there could be, she told him. Taylor had told him my secret. I slumped onto my mattress fighting to hold it back. How long had he known, did he know before they hooked up, or out of guilt had she told him after. The question nagged at me until I could take it no longer. I picked up my phone and opened my messages going straight to Taylor's. Emily: Did you tell him? Taylor: Emily I'm sorry, I had to. Emily: When? Taylor: Does it really matter? Emily: It does to me. When did you tell him, before or after you screwed him? Taylor: That's not fair Emily, you're not the only one who can fall in love with him. I felt heartbreaking all over again as I read her message several times before answering her, my knuckles were turning white as I squeezed my phone. Emily: You knew how I felt, how long I had felt that way. I told you everything, while you literally lied to my face, the least you can do is answer the question, was it before or after? Taylor: I really am sorry Emily, I never meant to hurt you. I told him when he had first told me he was attracted to me. I tossed the phone on the bed, I hadn't cried in weeks but now everything seemed to be happening all at once and I could no longer hold it back. The damn I had constructed came crumbling down and the tears now flowed freely. Sobs wracked my body, I was lost to the world around me and was startled when I felt a gentle hand land on my back. I was even more shocked to look up and see my father perched next to me on the bed concern etched across his face. "What's the matter sweet pea, are you upset about the move?" I don't know what came over me but I threw myself into my father's arms and poured my guts out. When I was finished and the tears had slowed he gently wiped them away giving me a gentle smile. "It's okay honey, you're young and beautiful. I know it seems like you'll never find someone like him, but you will perhaps, and god willing you'll find someone even better."  I shook my head sure that it wasn't possible for anyone to be better than Jake. "He knew how you felt and still went with your best friend. He's a moron. Listen to me, I know what I'm talking about." He squeezed me gently and stood to leave. "Soon we will be in a new town with new people and all this will seem trivial." With that statement, he exited the room. It was moving day and everything was chaos as we filed into the car it was going to be a long drive but I had my headphones and my most recent read. I would lose myself between the pages of books more than not, it always been my escape, my way of hiding from the real world. My mother always chided me that too much reading would put my head in the clouds and skew my perception of what life was like in reality, leaving me naive and a hopeless romantic. I haven't spoken to Jake or Taylor since last week though I missed them I couldn't forget what they had done, it was better this way. I clean break from the whole ordeal.  I'll move on and forget they ever existed, honestly this move couldn't have happened at a better time in my life. It was going to be hard, but it wouldn't really be much different than the life I have now. I won't have Jake. That thought caused a pang in my heart. I won't have a single friend my senior year. I would have no one to turn to. I refused to look back as we pulled out of the smooth driveway. Refusing to look back as we left behind my entire life. After about two hours, I closed my book and let the classical music and the slow rocking of the car as we drove lull me to sleep. I don't know how long I slept before I was awoken by the gentle tapping of my mother. I opened my eyes setting up straight as I took in my surroundings. We sat in the parking lot of a small restaurant with fishing nets hanging from the roof. "We're almost there, but we haven't put food in the house yet so we thought we'd better stop and get something now. What would you like?" My mother sat side ways in the passenger seat watching me intently. "Just a burger and fries, a coke to drink." The sun was setting on the edge of the water. The sky was a deep velvet purple, rimmed with dark orange that faded into a crimson red. The sun sets at home had been beautiful among the mountains but nothing as spectacular as this. I waited for my parents to disappear through the door before I opened my door. Stretching as I unfolded my self from the backseat. I ignore the stinging needles in my feet knowing the quicker I moved the quicker the feeling would go away. I move towards the pier I spotted and made my way half way across before stopping to stare at the scene before me. I closed my eyes as a breeze blew across the water, leaning my head back I inhaled the fresh salty air deeply. "I'll be ok here." I reassured myself. I stood there for maybe ten minutes unaware of the eyes that stalked me. I turned when I heard the bell above the restaurant door jingle, deciding that it might be my parents, I started back up the small incline my feet thudding against the wooden planks. Not paying attention I bounced backwards when I ran face first into a wall. I stumbled backwards and felt my feet coming out from under me, my world turning side ways. My body was jerked up right and I stood my head spinning from the sudden movements. "Sorry about that." The deep voice reverberating through the fog of my mind and my eyes finally focused. I found myself staring in to the deepest blue eyes I had ever seen. "Are you ok?" My eyes went from his eyes to his perfect mouth as he asked the question. I blinked several times trying to shake the electricity his hands on my bare arms caused. "Are you ill?" This question seemed to free me from my stupor and I find my tongue. "No.." I say taking a step back out of his touch. "I'm sorry, I wasn't watching where I was going." I reply quietly trying to pass by him. He turned to follow, I felt him not far behind me. "You're not from around here." It wasn't a question, so I continued with my eyes down. "Are you just passing through?" I hear his footsteps quicken and I could sense him gaining on me. "My name is Chase." I spun around unable to contain my irritation any longer. "Why are you following me?" I snapped. He blinked several times before throwing his hands up in surrender. I felt a flush of slight embarrassment when he lowered his hands, taking a small step backwards before turning with out another word he disappeared. I made my way to the car just as my parents reemerged from the small shack of a restaurant. The front light flickered as they made their way over. I scanned the area for the mysterious boy I had encountered but he was no where in sight. For the next thirty minutes my mind wanders what life for me would be like here in this small coastal town as we drove along the jagged rocks of the coast until we turned on to a gravel drive. It was long with trees lining each side, the car seemed to crawl around the bend. My eyes widened at the sight that sat before me, the house sat in small clearing, it was beautiful, like it had been pulled from in-between the pages of one of my books. I squirmed with excitement as my father slid the key in to place. The wrap around porch creaked beneath our feet as I shifted nervously, large windows adorned each side of the ornamentally carved red wood door. The door swung open and my father flipped the switch flooding the entry way with light the floor gleamed the same vibrant dark red wood of the door, it wasn't huge like back home but it was beautiful reminding me of a beach house. "There is only one room up there that leads up to the nest and than one here on the main floor. We thought since you didn't get much of a choice in the move and since you'll be spending more time here than us, you get first pick on the rooms." My dad smiled stopping beside me. "I think you already know what room I want." I gave my father a quick hug than took off up the stairs. There was a full bath across the landing, I could see the white tile floor and claw bathtub with a cloudy shower curtain hanging from the metal ring above it. I turned towards the only other door that was there and swung it open, the wall was light blue and the floor remained as it had throughout the rest of the house red wood. Boxes lined the walls labeled with my name along with what they contained a shipment from an earlier moving truck, the new bedroom set was arranged perfectly in the room, the full size canopy bed set across from a set of French doors which led out on to a balcony, I walked over to the large closet and scanning along the smooth surface with in I found the hidden latch. Releasing it I jumped back as the stairs fold down from the ceiling, with care I climbed the stairs. I looked around as I reach the top but found no light, pulling my phone from my pocket I switched the flashlight on and explored the large empty space. Locating the power sources through out the area. There was a split second when I made my way around the room, where I wandered if there was a way to bring my bed up here but quickly scratched the idea knowing the narrow entrance would make it impossible but I knew I could bring an air mattress. My mind rushed with all the different ways I could decorate the room. I went to one of the widows facing the back of the house and swung it open allowing the fresh sea air to fill the room, watching in a daze as the moon rose above the water casting its reflection on the surface, I took a deep breath before backing away from the scene. After making it back to the room I found my father sitting quietly on my crisp new bed. I'm sure my mother paid the movers or something to put the bed up and make it. "The master down stairs has an attached bath, so this one up here is yours. What do you think?" His question was low and emotionless. "It's wonderful, I love it." He smiled gently as he held one of my many stuffed animals. I got the since there was something bothering him. "You're not anger with your mother and me for moving you away from all your friends?" I sat down next to him awkwardly not sure how to talk to him. "No, I really didn't have many friends anyways." I stated fidgeting with my hands. He looked at me with surprise in his eyes. "I find that hard to believe." His words were laced with skepticism as his eyes examined my face. "Oh, so no hard feelings then?" The darkness that was there in his eyes was now hidden once more. "Yeah, no hard feelings." I gave him a genuine smile as he stood from my bed. "I'm glad." He walked to the door than pausing faced me once more. "I'm sorry Em, I guess I just got caught up in work and never thought how this move might have effected you. Your old enough now you should have a voice." Something seemed different about him, but I didn't know how approach it. "It's okay dad. I don't mind really, after the whole Jake and Taylor thing I'm happy to start over." I assured him as he exited the room. I don't know why but my heart felt heavy, I could remember a time when I was small that I was what some would have considered a daddies girl but it had changed suddenly without understanding or warning. He had become a stranger over night, no longer did his eyes shine with the vitality of life, no longer did they burn with the hunger for more. I watched as he closed the door behind him, sitting for several moments staring at the closed door. I wasn't sure what to think of the conversation and I felt a knot form in my throat as I recalled the emptiness to his tone. I snapped my self out of it and searched through the plastic tote labeled pajamas, I frowned at the totes stacked to one side. There was no way that all these were going to fit in the medium sized closet. I ran my fingers through my tangled hair, realizing how dirty it was I decided to set my anxiety over the amount of clothing to space I have to the side and take a much needed bath. I stood in the large bathroom not worried that anyone would see through the large window on the far side of the room. It was late, the window was on the second floor, the set high up on a cliff side and it was getting late. I allowed the tub to fill as I stood examining myself in the full length mirror. My breast weren't large by any means and my hips were slightly wider with more curves than the rest of my body. Taylor swore I had an awesome body but I hid it beneath jeans and t shirts. My eyes were in my personal opinion too big, my lips were heart shaped and my nose too small like that of a dolls. It was one of the many things the others would tease me about. Taylor whos family inherited money from a distant family member, had come from a poor back ground and even though she was drop dead gorgeous made her an out cast among the rich elitists. My past experience with them had made me stick to only myself and my books making me an outcast as well, which I was perfectly happy with, except Jake. He had always remained nice to me and I had latched on to him like a life line. I felt an emptiness deep inside, a need that I did not understand. I longed for that connection with someone that told me that I wasn't utterly alone, someone cared. After soaking in the large antique tub, I dressed making my way bed where I quickly drifted off in restless sleep.