First Heartbreak

Chapter Eleven - Insensitive

Sam's POV

I was walking towards the gate when I noticed Zen also heading the same direction; she was up front but was looking down for some reason. I hadn't seen Melody anywhere so I thought she might be sad Mel isn't around.

She walked out first; I followed shortly after. She was by the waiting shed, most probably waiting for her uncle's car. I decided to "act" as if I didn't see her and crossed the street to find a cab to ride home to.

I stood there for a good two minutes when a cab finally came. I whistled as loudly as I could, and the cab stopped right in front of me. I think, I might have seen Zen look my way, but I can never be sure. I always seem to assume nowadays.

As the cab left and took a turn, I looked at the tinted window from behind to see if she was looking. She didn't, she was staring at another direction. I didn't know why I felt sad, it's not like it's the end of the world.

The cab ride home was quite with the cab's music in the background. Then a radio station the cab driver was tuned into played her song again. Turn it to another freaking station! I screamed internally, course couldn’t literally scream at the driver since it's none of my business.

I quickly paid the driver and stepped out the cab so I wouldn’t be in tortured any further just by listening to that damn song.

When I got home, mom was at our mini grocery, she was busy entertaining customers. I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, went to her office at the back, and threw my bag at a sofa near the fridge. I sat at the rocking chair and closed my eyes. My head was hurting; it's like being hammered down. My heart was aching too.

Then I heard another song being played at another station from the radio. It's Jann Arden's song, Insensitive. The lines were so clear, it's as if it's being addressed to me.

How do you turn your eyes from a romantic glare?

How do you block the sound of the voice,

You'd known anywhere?

Oh I really should've known

by the time you drove me home,

by the vagueness in your eyes.

Your casual goodbyes,

by the chill in your embrace,

expression on your face that told me

maybe you might have.

So my advice to give on how to be insensitive...

Hmm. I guess I can call myself insensitive for not "feeling" her feelings before she confessed to me. Vanessa had told me a couple times that I was really blind even before I told her about Zen liking me more than a friend.

"How can you really be so stupid, Sam? It was obvious that she liked you even then!" Vanessa explained. "Didn't you noticed how she stared at you like a love-stricken puppy when you would just talk?" I remembered Vanessa telling me that.

It's too late now, she has Mel, and I'm not the type of person who would ruin a relationship. I know it's hard just looking at them together – my eyes hurt, my heartbeat slows down, and I could barely breath. It's best I move on.

I kept myself busy when February came. I didn't want to remember that all-too-corny Valentines’ Day was just around the curb.

I was busy preparing for my final performance at our graduation. The entire class of 2002 were tasked to familiarize ourselves with the school hymn and a couple of other songs where we'd be singing during the program. I was often called to come up the stage and help practice with everybody else.

-o-

4 March 2002, Monday.

It was class picture taking day. There were about twelve sections of seniors. the photographer had to schedule it for the entire week so he could sort it out before our yearbook was released three months later.

I was beside Vanessa, while Edmund, Ellen, Jennifer and Joan were just close by. And as usual, Zen ditched it. Melody was there of course. I didn't bothered asking where Zen was,s he's always stubborn when it comes to things like these.

Only three weeks and five days to go before graduation. I was happy it was soon going to be over with. I would be enrolling at a different school, be with different people, hangout with other friends. You'll eventually forget about her, were Vanessa's exact words, and I hope she’s right.

There were still times that whenever I'd see them together, I feel my heart being poked by pushpins in all directions. You can do it, Sam! Just a few more days and you're out of this school. I reminded myself.

I had already took my toga from the school's mail room so I could have it dry-cleaned for me to wear it on the big day. I was ecstatic, obviously. This is it!