Whiskey In The Water

Chapter 17-Lori

Chapter 17

Lori

I have been tossing and turning all night. The baby is moving around a lot, and I can’t get comfortable. I’m thirty-eight weeks along and feel huge. I try to slip out of bed, trying to not wake Logan up but he feels me move. “Baby? Are you okay?” he asks. I sigh. “I’m okay. Just can’t get comfortable.” I tell him. “Magnolia keeping you up?” he asks. I nod and he pulls me to lay back down. I lay on my back, and he moves down to my stomach. “Hey Magpie. You giving mommy a hard time?” he asks against my stomach, and she kicks. “Be good for mommy. Daddy will rub her tummy for you.” He says before moving back up to lay next to me on the bed. I lay with my back to him, and he wraps his arm around me and starts rubbing my stomach and she calms down. “Get some sleep honey.” He tells me before I close my eyes and drift back off.

I wake up a little later and Logan isn’t in bed. I get up and do my morning routine before heading downstairs. “She couldn’t get comfortable last night. Baby keeps kicking. She’s had trouble sleeping the last couple of nights.” I hear him say. “She’s far enough along that she could be getting ready to go into labor.” Alice says. “Shit.” He says. I walk into the room and say “I’m fine. I will let you know when I start feeling different.” Logan walks over to me and pulls me close and says “Well, until she gets here, I’ll be working from home. So will you.” He tells me. I nod because I’ve already been feeling some pressure in my lower back.

We sit at the island and eat before heading to Logan’s office. “I was thinking about something.” I say. “What’s that?” he asks, looking at me from his desk. “I still have to do these interviews. I was thinking about setting them all up for tomorrow.” I tell him. “How are you going to do that, working from home?” he asks. “Video calls.” I tell him and he nods. “That’s a great idea. I know you want to get them hired before the baby gets here.” He says. I start sending out emails with the information of times for the interviews.

The next day, I am in my office and conducting the first interview. “Your resume looks impressive, but the job is more than just the degree. Do you have any experience working with people that have suffered trauma? The reason I’m asking is that the women we will be working with are going to be young and pregnant and they will have suffered some form of trauma.” I say. “I have, actually. That’s the reason that I went for my degree. When I was younger, my sister was assaulted and got pregnant as a result of a s****l assault. She struggled with keeping the baby. Our mother told her that she was keeping the baby. Didn’t give her a choice but she stood by my sister. Both of our parents did. My sister was lucky, but it was hard for her because she still was dealing with the trauma from the r**e. I think the baby was the only reason she made it from day to day.” She tells me. “I’m glad things worked out for your sister but please keep in mind that these girls are not going to have any support.” I tell her and she nods.

After all of the interviews, I send out emails to all of the ladies that I’ve decided to offer the job to and ask that they join me for one group video call. “Thank you for joining me, ladies. First, I want to congratulate you on joining our team and we look forward to working with all of you. I do want you all to understand that you will be working with young women that have suffered some form of trauma. That being said, we will be having these meetings every Monday morning, some will be on video call like this one, but most will be in person. I do ask that you bear with me for the time being because, as I’ve told you all, I’m pregnant and don’t see myself lasting too much longer before she gets here.” I tell them and they all smile. “Each person that comes through our program will have access to prenatal care with Susan, counseling with Kathy and you will all be provided with information on all of the services we offer for these ladies. We want to help give them a chance to keep their baby if that’s what they want. Your offices will be ready in the next week so we will be meeting two weeks from today.” I tell them and they agree.

After the call, I leave my office and head to Logan’s. “Hey baby.” He says as I walk in. “Hey.” I tell him before walking to his couch and lowering myself down onto it. “How’d your calls go?” he asks. “Got eight social workers hired and had a call with all of them together to tell them what to expect and when to start. I called Izzy to send them the new hire paperwork.” I tell him. “Good. You’ve accomplished a lot since you’ve been here.” He says. “I couldn’t have done any of it without you.” I tell him and he shakes his head. “Seriously. You’ve given me the means to do this, and you’ve given me the confidence to. You know I love you right?” I ask. “I do baby. I love you too.” He says. All of a sudden, a pain rips through my stomach. “Hey, Lori, what is it?” Logan asks, worried. “Contraction.” I tell him. I look at him shocked and when it passes, he helps me stand up. “Let’s get you into the bedroom so you can lay down.” He says. He helps me into the bedroom and into the bed. Alice walks in and asks, “Are you okay sweetheart?” I shake my head no and then another contraction hits me. “s**t. Fuck.” I say. “Sorry Alice.” I say, not liking cussing in front of her. “You’re fine honey.” She says to me. She turns to Logan and says “We need to time them. How long has it been since your last one?” she asks. “About ten minutes.” Logan tells her and she nods.

After a little while, the contractions are getting harder and closer together. “They’re about six minutes apart now.” Logan says. “I have to pee.” I tell him and he helps me up off the bed and helps me to the bathroom. He stands me in front of the toilet and another one hits. I tense up and feel water gush between my legs. “Logan?” I ask, scared. “Hey, it’s okay baby. I’m right here.” He says. Alice walks to the door and sees water on the floor. “It’s okay honey. Your water broke.” She says. “What do we do?” I ask. Alice speaks up and says “Logan, call Hans to pull the car around. While I’m helping Lori change, get her bag and Maggie’s bag and take them to the car. When you get back, we will be ready to walk out the door.” Logan kisses me softly and says, “I love you.” I smile softly and say, “I love you.” Before he heads to call Hans and gets our bags into the car. When he makes it back to the bedroom, Alice has helped me change they help me down the stairs and to the car.

We get to the hospital and once we are settled into a room, I ask Logan for my phone. I make the first call. “Izzy, hey…no, I’m okay but we’re at the hospital…yeah, my water broke…okay, I’ll see you soon.” I say before ending the call. Making another call, Mary answers. “Hey girl…yeah, we’re at the hospital. My water broke…Okay, we’ll see you and Evan soon.” I say before ending the call. After a little while, everyone is crowded into my room and I keep rubbing my stomach, not really speaking and don’t really look at anyone. “Guys, why don’t you all go down and get us something to drink.” Alice says and Logan kisses me before heading out with the guys. Alice looks at me and so do Izzy and Mary. “What’s on your mind little one?” Alice asks. “Just worried. I didn’t have a mom around and you all know about my father. How am I going to be a good mom?” I ask. “Because you have all three of us to lean on. And you know what it feels like to have a parent that doesn’t care about them. I know you won’t do anything to make your daughter feel the way that you did.” She tells me and I nod. “I know I’m not in this alone, but I just can’t help but worry. But it’s not just that.” I say and Izzy speaks up. “You’re worried about Logan?” she asks. “No. I know he’s all in. I have no doubts about him but how do I work, being a new mom?” I ask. “Honey, we have the daycare there on site so you can bring her with you, and you can also keep her with you in your office. Don’t worry about that. We’ll work that out.” Izzy says. “And I’ll help any way you need me to.” Mary says. The guys walk back into the room and Logan walks over to me and kisses me softly. “Are you okay?” he asks. I nod and he kisses me one more time.

We sit around and talk for the next few hours and the doctor comes in to check me. Everyone leaves the room except Logan and Alice, and they tell me that I’m at ten centimeters and it’s time to push. Every contraction that hits, they have me push. “I can’t push anymore.” I say and I have tears rolling down my face. Logan cups my face in both hands and says “You can. Bring our baby girl into the world baby.” The doctor looks at me and then Logan and then back to me and says “One more good, hard push and she will be here. You’re almost there.” I nod and another one hits, and I start to push, screaming as I do when all of a sudden, we hear our little girl cry. Logan kisses me hard before moving to cut the cord and Alice moves up next to me to make sure I’m okay.

Logan follows the nurse over to the side while she cleans up our daughter while the doctor is delivering my placenta and the nurses are cleaning me up. A few minutes later, Logan walks over with our daughter wrapped in a blanket and places her in my arms. “Hey little one. We are so glad to meet you.” I whisper before kissing the top of her head and she’s looking up at me. Logan kisses my temple and looks down at our daughter. “She looks just like you.” He whispers. “She does. She’s perfect Logan.” I say. “She is.” He tells me before taking our daughter’s hand and she wraps her little hand around his finger.

After a little bit, everyone starts coming into our room to see our new baby. “She’s perfect man.” Evan says to Logan before hugging him. “She is. Just like her mama.” Logan says. Mary hugs me and says, “She’s precious.” I smile and say “She is. I can’t believe she’s here.” We look over and see Evan holding her and you see a small smile on Mary’s face. He looks over at Mary and winks and I see her blush. “Okay, we’re talking about that…soon.” I tell her and she laughs. Ashton walks over and he leans down to hug me. “You did good kid.” He says and I start laughing. “Thanks, big brother.” I say and he looks over at Izzy, now holding Magnolia and smiles. “Do I need to expect another niece or nephew in the future?” I ask. “We’ll see.” He says, laughing.

After everyone leaves, Hans having taken Alice home, Logan lays on the bed next to me while I nurse Magnolia. “I can’t believe she’s here.” He says. “I know. We’re parents, Logan.” I say. “We are.” He says. I caress her cheek while she nurses, and her eyes flutter shut. “I’ve been thinking about something.” I say. “What’s that?” he asks. “Her being here now, I still have about two weeks before I have to have the meeting with everyone. I’ll be working from home as much as possible, but I need to go in to have the meetings in person on Mondays. I can take Maggie with me.” I tell him. “Lori…” he starts, and I stop him. “This is important to me. I want to leave her a legacy she can be proud of. And it would only be for a couple of hours a week and the rest of the time I can work from home with her until she’s old enough for the daycare.” I tell him. “Sounds like you’ve been thinking about this for a while.” He says. “I have. I don’t want to let her down.” I say, looking back down at our little girl. “You won’t. I only ask that you let Hans drive you back and forth.” He says. “That was the plan.” I tell him and he kisses me softly.

A few days later, we are leaving the hospital and Hans is driving us. We have the carrier secured in between us and we are both looking at our little girl all the way home. “I know the nursery is set up but for the first couple of months I want her in there with us.” I tell him. “Alice already had the bassinet put in our room.” He tells me and I can’t help but smile.

We pull into the driveway and Logan helps me out and Hans grabs our bags out of the back while Logan carries the carrier and helps me into the house at the same time. As we walk in the door, Clyde walks up and sniffs the carrier before moving over to me. I kneel down and put my forehead to his and say, “Did you miss me buddy?” He licks me and nuzzles me before I stand back up and we walk into the living room.

Logan carries the carrier to the coffee table before taking Magnolia out and handing her to me. She starts to fuss so Logan hands me one of her blankets and I sit on the couch with her. I cover her head and lift my shirt and start to nurse her. “How are you feeling sweetheart?” Alice asks. “I’m okay. Feeling better than I thought I would.” I tell her. We spend the day taking care of our daughter and resting.

That night, I nurse Magnolia before putting her in the bassinet and lying in bed next to Logan. I lay with my back to him, and he wraps his arms around me before pulling me close and we both drift off to sleep. I’ve been sleeping for a while when I start to dream.

I’m lying in bed in my old house. I hear my bedroom door open, and I keep my eyes shut, hoping he will think I’m asleep and leave me alone. But I know better. I feel the covers being pulled off my body and the bed dips down. He grips my shoulder and turns me onto my back before kneeling over me. “I know you’re awake. Your dad’s passed out already but you still gotta be quiet.” he says quietly as he starts pulling my panties down. I start to struggle but his hand goes around my throat, cutting off my oxygen before he says, “Don’t f*****g fight.” I finally lay still, and he positions himself between my legs. “Please don’t.” I beg as the tears start falling.

All of a sudden, I hear “Wake up baby. Come on. Come back to me. You are safe baby. Wake up.” It’s Logan. My eyes flutter open and Logan is cupping my face. “Logan.” I whisper. “I’m here baby. I got you.” He whispers. He pulls me close, and I sob into his chest as his hand rubs up and down my back. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asks when I calm down a little. “I was in my old room. It was one of the times that Jake r***d me.” I tell him. “No one will ever touch you again baby. No one but me.” He tells me. I look up at him and he cups my face and says “No one.” Before kissing me softly. He deepens the kiss just a little before putting his forehead to mine. After laying together for a little longer, I drift off to sleep with him stroking my hair and whispering that he loves me.

The next morning, I wake up and Logan is changing Magnolia’s diaper. I sit up in the bed and he brings her over to me. “Good morning mama.” He says. “Good morning daddy.” I say before he hands Magnolia to me to nurse. I unbutton the shirt I have on and pull out a breast and she latches on easily. While she’s eating, I look down at her and caress her cheek as she eats. Logan moves over to sit beside me on the bed and raises me up to move to sit behind me. I lean back into him, but I don’t look at him. “Are you okay baby?” he asks. “I don’t know.” I tell him. “How about after you feed our princess, we go down for breakfast, and I will take care of her while you call Kathy for a session.” He says. “Yeah. Okay.” I say before moving Magnolia to nurse on the other side.

After breakfast, I hand Magnolia off to Alice and head to my office. I pick up my office phone and call Kathy’s office number. “Hey Lori. What can I do for you?” she asks. “Do you have a little bit?” I ask. “Session?” she asks. “If you have time?” I ask. “I do. Tell me what’s on your mind.” She says. “I had the baby a couple of days ago. We came home from the hospital yesterday.” I tell her. “Congratulations. I’ll let everyone else know.” She tells me. “Thank you.” I tell her. “That’s not the only thing on your mind, is it?” she asks. “No. Last night was the first night back in my own bed after having her and I should have been more relaxed, and I thought I was. But I had a nightmare last night. I’ve not had one since I’ve been with Logan. I dreamed of Jake raping me. I’ve not had one in so long. Why now?” I ask. “Lori, your child, as perfect as I know she is, is the result of a r**e. That doesn’t mean you will love her less and it doesn’t mean that Logan won’t love her as his, but you’ve been carrying this part of you and that traumatic incident for nine months and you’ve made a lot of progress. But any survivor of r**e will have a trigger. As wonderful as it is that your little girl is finally here and as happy of an event as that is, it’s going to trigger you.” She tells me. “Will I always be triggered?” I ask. “Not always. You could be triggered at any time, or you could never be triggered again. There’s no way to really know. All you can do is make sure you’re prepared and know what to do if you are.” She tells me. “I look at her and I feel so much peace. How can something so perfect come from something so traumatic and not make me resent her?” I ask. “That could have a lot to do with the fact that from the very beginning, Logan has been there beside you. He’s claimed her as his own. He’s never referred to her as anything other than his daughter. His little princess.” She tells me and I realize she’s right. “Your entire pregnancy, he’s done nothing but bring positive energy to your pregnancy. Instead of letting you constantly have that reminder of how she was conceived, he’s had you concentrating on enjoying your pregnancy and having a family with him. You’ve never grown to resent her because he made sure that it’s engrained into your brain that she is his. And to everyone, she is.” She tells me.

We go on talking a little longer and when my hour is up, she tells me to check in with her every day for the next couple of weeks so that we can make sure I don’t go down the rabbit hole. I agree and we end the call. I sit at my desk and pull out a fresh journal and decide to write my daughter letters in there to give to her when she’s grown up. I start with the first one.

My dearest Magnolia,

You are only three days old and already I love you so much. I would die for you. Kill for you. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I decided to start writing you letters in this journal so that when you grow up, you can see from my eyes just how much you are loved and cherished. I was only nineteen when I gave birth to you. You were not planned but I am so happy that I was blessed to get to be your mommy. Me and your daddy love you so much and we can’t wait to watch you grow up. To watch you become a woman that I know we will always be proud of.

Your daddy and I never want to lead you the wrong way. Mommy has struggled baby. When I was growing up, my mommy went to heaven when I was really young, and my daddy wasn’t a nice man but I promise you that you will grow up with two parents that love you and cherish you. We will always be here for you, and we will never judge you. There will never be anything you can do to make us not love you and support you.

Magnolia, you, and your daddy saved me. Even if you don’t know it, you did. You have given me a reason to wake up each morning. You gave me a reason to step up and go after my dreams to help people. I want to leave a legacy that you will be proud of. I want to be the mother you can be proud of, and I want you to know that I will always have your back. So will your daddy.

If you only ever remember one thing about me, please remember that you were loved and wanted from the first second I found out about you.

Love Mommy