The World Ahead: Saga for Redemption

Wasted Times

I should have known that deep inside I would wind up at the precipice in my life. I however was always the one who was most gullible and very forgiving of punishment and asking for more.For some reason I’ve met who I needed to at the time in my life that I felt I was dependent and needed a back bone or someone to hide behind but in reality I was just tired from struggling my whole life to have a dream of a family that was close knit and everything that I had never had.

I Heard a rustling behind me which made me snap out of my thoughts abruptly and glanced to the side. Most days I kept my thoughts and my emotions hidden from my outside world; I didn’t need them knowing where my head and heart had been and what I was contemplating. Seeing it was only the dog rummaging around I placed my hand over her heart, I had been frightened for a moment. I wasn’t ready to begin this outlandish battle and request for my freedom but I needed to do it because of not my world was going to die completely. My world meaning me. I was lost without hope and I wanted to be alone with all of my might.

I so desperately wanted to change it was as if I couldn’t properly breathe without it and yet I still hadn’t become strong enough to throw myself off of the cliff I had been standing beside for the last decade.

My hand moved across the desk I was sitting at I played aimlessly with the jewelry box that held trinkets of lust longing and regret. All things that had been bought throughout the course of my marriage all things that were supposed to make me brilliant and pretty but deep inside cast a doubt over what I knew was love or what I thought what commitment should be. The beauty of a diamond usually is to make a girl smile and feel most cherished the diamond is so clear it is a bounty of what your love should be. But when I looked at the diamond it was just a stone that someone had toilet over and someone had bought and given not because of the sincerity of his heart and conscience but because it was the thing to do traditionally.

The tradition I have so craved was not built on a firm foundation of love friendship respect and all things that create a strong foundation for a future build; the tradition had become staged it was what was expected since you had committed and signed on the dotted line your name forever pledging someone dying legal memorandum that will cost an arm and a leg to get out of. The affection was fake, it was to procreate not to experience life with each other and cherish the person. This life is never what it sends and the smiles on the outside was black on the inside. Decayed. The things I saw on tv and had read in books was propelling my dreams to a fruitless expectation. My dreams weren’t the reality of what I had been dealt. I learned very early on I was expected to do a woman’s job regardless of the faults deemed by the man. I felt my heart tear at realizing I accepted such a shameful man, he was all mine and he was want to be controlled. He was a wild being that nobody had the patience to teach humanity.

The person I was back then had an inkling as to the danger I was going to cause myself somewhere down the line but she needed someone to help her someone to be the conductor on the train ride of life and she allowed him to control the aspects of their life but she knew better because he could never lead. He was a follower and he had his own issues, issues she thought that she could help if he had love in his life but after a year she realized love was just a word and some people were not earning her love.

If a person is not confident in themselves they will always lean on someone like a crutch yet sometimes people don’t know their true strength until they decide that the s**t they eat is enough to make them want to change their life. I glanced above the jewelry box into the mirror that showed my reflection so aged and guarded,the eyes that looked back at me through the mirror are ones that I can no longer recognize. There was no brightness no happiness no excitement for the future they were dull dark and lifeless like buttons on a sweater. I glanced away as my heart began to tug. It was as if my heart blamed me for the state that I was in and rightfully so because I calculated incorrectly how my life should have been instead of the reality that I experienced. Every minute, every second that I took a breath my heart already knew I was in the wrong lane; this was waste of time. The tear I had been trying to avoid trickled down my face, one eye had sympathy for this naive girl. The other eye was dry it already had finished accepting the worse and was ready to be on the journey out.