Chapter 31: Adrain
1189 Words
I woke before Jude.Or rather…
I woke because I hadn’t really slept.
The conversation from the night before replayed over and over in my mind.
“I need this.”
“I wish you had told me sooner.”
I had spent years convincing myself I was protecting what we had.
Now I couldn’t stop wondering whether I’d been protecting my own fear instead.
I turned my head.
Jude was already awake.
He was sitting on the edge of the bed, buttoning his shirt for work.
Normally, he’d smile the moment he noticed me watching him.
This morning…
He simply offered a polite, tired smile.
“Morning.”
“Morning, sweetheart.”
He nodded.
“I made coffee.”
“I’ll pour you some.”
“I already did.”
His voice wasn’t cold.
It was careful.
That somehow hurt more.
⸻
I followed him downstairs.
The kitchen felt strangely unfamiliar.
Not because anything had changed.
Because we had.
I poured another cup anyway and placed it beside him.
“You forgot your lunch.”
“I’ll grab it.”
“I packed your favourite.”
“Thank you.”
Just…
Thank you.
No teasing.
No playful smile.
No stolen kiss while we waited for the toast.
I missed him already, and he was still standing in front of me.
Before he left, I reached gently for his hand.
“Jude.”
He looked at me.
“I love you.”
His expression softened for the briefest moment.
“I love you too.”
Then he picked up his bag.
“I’ll see you tonight.”
The front door closed quietly behind him.
I stood in the hallway for a long time after he was gone.
⸻
Work became nothing more than background noise.
People talked.
Meetings happened.
Contracts were signed.
I couldn’t remember any of them.
My thoughts kept drifting somewhere else.
Backwards.
To the beginning.
The apartment.
I hadn’t asked him.
I’d packed his entire life into boxes because I’d decided it was best.
The wedding.
I’d taken charge of almost every detail.
Again…
Because I’d believed I was making life easier for him.
The gala.
I’d decided another man’s hug meant danger before I’d even asked a question.
The baby.
Had I done it again?
Had I decided for both of us…
Without realising it?
I leaned back in my chair and covered my eyes.
“When did protecting become controlling?”
The question settled heavily inside me.
The honest answer was difficult.
It hadn’t happened all at once.
It had happened one decision at a time.
Always with love.
Always believing I knew best.
But love wasn’t supposed to silence the other person’s dreams.
⸻
Around lunchtime, I picked up my phone.
Adrian: Have you eaten?
Several minutes passed.
Finally…
Jude: Just about to.
Normally there would have been a photograph.
Or a joke.
Or a complaint about hospital food.
Today…
Nothing.
I typed another message.
I’m thinking about you.
Deleted.
I’m sorry.
Deleted.
Instead…
Adrian: Good luck with the rest of your day.
His reply came quickly.
Thank you.
Just two words.
I stared at the screen longer than I should have.
⸻
An hour later, I called him.
He answered after the second ring.
“Hi.”
“Hi, sweetheart.”
“I’ve got surgery in a few minutes.”
“Of course.”
“It’ll probably take five hours.”
“I just wanted to hear your voice.”
A quiet pause.
“I’m okay.”
“I know.”
“I’ll call you afterwards.”
“Take your time.”
“You too.”
The call ended.
I looked at my reflection in the dark phone screen.
He wasn’t being cruel.
He wasn’t punishing me.
He was simply protecting his own heart while he sorted through his feelings.
Hadn’t I done the same?
Only…
I’d taken two weeks.
⸻
By late afternoon, I stopped pretending I was working.
Instead, I sat alone in my office, thinking.
Not about babies.
About marriage.
About promises.
About choice.
Jude had never demanded a child.
He had shared a dream.
And somewhere between hearing his dream and hearing my fear…
I’d forgotten something important.
It wasn’t my decision.
It wasn’t his decision.
It was ours.
Whatever we chose…
We had to choose it together.
Not because one of us surrendered.
Because both of us were heard.
A slow smile touched my face.
Maybe…
That was the answer I’d been searching for.
⸻
The drive home felt strangely peaceful.
For the first time all day…
I knew what I wanted to say.
Not because I’d forced myself to change my mind.
Because I’d finally understood it.
⸻
Jude was sitting in the living room when I arrived.
A book rested open on his lap.
He wasn’t reading.
He looked up as I walked in.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
I sat beside him.
Close enough that our knees almost touched.
“I’ve been thinking all day.”
He closed the book quietly.
“So have I.”
I nodded.
“I owe you an apology.”
His eyebrows lifted slightly.
“I keep making decisions because I think I’m protecting us.”
“I’ve done it before.”
“The apartment.”
“The wedding.”
“The gala.”
“And now…”
I let out a slow breath.
“The baby.”
He listened without interrupting.
“I realised something today.”
I reached for his hand.
This time…
He let me take it.
“I’ve been acting as though this decision belongs to me.”
“It doesn’t.”
“It belongs to both of us.”
His eyes searched mine.
“I was jealous.”
The confession made me laugh softly at myself.
“Can you imagine?”
“A grown man.”
“A successful businessman.”
“Jealous of someone who doesn’t even exist yet.”
To my relief…
A tiny smile appeared on Jude’s face.
“I kept thinking…”
I shook my head fondly.
“…what if our baby steals all your attention?”
“What if you stop looking at me the way you do now?”
He squeezed my hand.
“Oh, Adrian.”
“I know.”
“It sounds ridiculous.”
“It sounds human.”
His answer surprised me.
“I don’t think you’re ridiculous.”
“I think you were scared.”
I swallowed.
“I was.”
He rubbed gentle circles across my knuckles.
“You could’ve told me.”
“I know.”
“And I should have.”
I smiled.
“So…”
I took a steadying breath.
“I don’t want fear deciding our future.”
His heartbeat seemed to pause.
“If you’re still ready…”
I smiled warmly.
“…I’d like us to start planning for a family.”
His eyes widened.
“Really?”
“Really.”
“We’ll do it properly.”
“We’ll speak to specialists.”
“We’ll learn everything we need to know.”
“We’ll take each step together.”
“Together.”
A tear escaped down his cheek.
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