WHEN THE RAIN STOPS FALLING.

EPISODE 2:THE VOID

My existence was reduced to a string of dim memories in the weeks after the burial. Each day blended into the next, a debilitating pattern of sorrow and unsolved questions. Oyinye, my daughter, served as both my compass and a continual reminder of the life I needed to continue. I held her in my arms while I sobbed quietly in the early morning quietness, which was so dense that I could practically feel it.

Her laughter echoed faintly in a recollection that seemed too good to be true, and I found myself wandering the tiny hallway of our tiny apartment over and over again. The constant ticking of the clock served as a reminder that time was passing unabatedly, but I still felt as though nothing had changed.

I continued to anticipate Chidi's return at any time, to see him at the door wearing that comforting grin that used to take my anxieties away.

The hardest nights were the first few. I listened to little Oyinye's calm, gentle breathing while I lay awake, wanting terribly that I could spend a bit more time with him. I experienced grief in erratic spurts, sometimes creeping in like a far-off drizzle and other times slamming over me when I least anticipated it. I read stories to her in a shaky, broken voice and folded the tiny garments she outgrown in an attempt to fill the void. In the midst of the pandemonium, each of these acts was an effort to maintain some kind of routine.

Every now and again my pals came to visit, their words harsh and consoling. They assured me that time would heal my broken heart, but no amount of compassion could fully fill the hole that had formed within me. I was left wondering who I was today without the love that had defined me, and I had to work tirelessly to put the broken pieces of my identity back together.

As I cradled Oyinye in my arms during those solitary, hopeless nights, I made a secret vow to myself that I would make it through this storm. I understood that there was hope for healing and, maybe, a day when love would return to me someplace beyond this unrelenting emptiness, both for her and for myself.