Inversion

Tipping point

 I had confronted Caleb when I had first suspected he was having an affair but he  outright denied it . We were already going through a rough patch as we had lost our baby 3 months before that. We had such a hard time communicating  and understanding one another at that point.

I silently blamed myself for something that has happened to a lot of women.....Something that wasn't even my fault.... Now,  he did do his best to constantly reassure me that it wasn't my fault but I just wouldn't listen. I refused his help every single time. I assumed if I put a plaster on where it hurt I'd be fine in no time.  Never had I been so wrong! Although my actions somewhat justified, I became so selfish. I refused to acknowledge the fact that I wasn't the only one going through it. He was going through it in as much as I was. His pain was as valid as mine. '' My pain an excuse for my behaviour'' I believed.

He  reached out even when he was giving me space. When I was ready to grab onto the  life jacket, I found myself alone in the vast ocean of turmoil. At first I assumed I had  exhausted him so much that he probably needed his own time. My efforts were no way near his but I  refused to be discouraged. I was finally put in shoes similar to his and I realised it must have been hard; hurtful and neglectful. I excused his behaviour as him acting out, for I had done the same. I didn't think much of it until I was compelled to see the reality of our situation.

On the first morning of his disappearance , I thought something bad had happened to him because I was sure he didn't sleep at home. He always slept at home no matter  what . I called his office and  was told he  had left quite early the day before as he didn't have any meeting. His phone was unavailable.  His brother , Tony came over after I called him in a frantic state. We couldn't even file a missing person's complaint because it was less than 24 hours. That was even the least frustrating bit of it all.

Upon getting back home, in the evening, I called him again and to my  relief it  rang although he didn't pick up. I left him so many calls but he only returned his brother's calls and not mine. I disregarded my hurt since he was safe. He didn't hide the fact that he didn't want to speak with me  on the phone with Tony .However, Tony handed me the phone  because of my persistence. I still wonder if the outcome would have been different  had I not persisted. Not knowing is a curse but knowing can be one too. .

'' Hope you slept well '' said an unfamiliar female voice. I was taken aback yet tried to act rational, but I couldn't .''Well , it's nice to know you're okay''. And with that I ended the call. Even after I did , all I wanted was  to hear his side before  jumping to conclusions.

Even after he finally came back home, he didn't provide me an explanation. He actively refused to do so. Things spiralled from there so I just needed to make sure I wasn't making stuff up. Initially, I put the blame of his actions on myself.  I allowed myself  stay in that vicious cycle of self -hate until I could no longer. I'm not without fault in our relationship and I admit that. I hired an investigator to figure out the truth behind my suspicions. It was such a heart-wrecking decision as I would have never imagined there'd come a day when I could only depend on information from someone else about the man I married.

There was something different about this morning. Normally, at this time ,Caleb was at work. He's been leaving for work earlier in the past few months. It was our silent agreement that allowed us avoid each other. But he was still home today which made me very uneasy. I hadn't stepped out of my room but felt his presence lingering . In all honesty, I wasn't sure if I was overly-uneasy because of his presence or because I knew my unofficial suspicions would be made official. I'm to receive a conclusive report from the investigator tomorrow. As you can imagine that makes me anxious.

As I was trying to calm my nerves,  he barged into my room  and threw an envelope  on the bed. Brows furrowed , both teeth and fists clenched, he asked or rather screamed  '' When does this end ?''  Before I could even check the papers he continued...

'' What is wrong with you exactly? I have put up with so much in the last 5 months from you.  God! You even had me followed . Or did you think I had no idea? But this! This is way out of line. You've taken this too far! ...Why stay when you torment me  so much...''

I felt the colour drain from my face as his last words pierced through. He must have noticed  because he took a step back .

''It all ends tomorrow , doesn't it?  I guess you'll finally be rid of me''

Without sparing him a glance I grabbed my keys and stormed out.

Crikston Avenue is more or less an island  in an ocean of busy streets. So many people passing by yet it never quite feels like that. There's a particular emptiness held by this place that let's one feel comforted and not out of place.

And today I'd rather be at the museum than anywhere else. I didn't want to be disturbed by anyone or more specifically my husband, especially after my outburst. Besides, most people prefer galleries to museums at night which makes it a good safe space. Museums are great especially when you can understand and appreciate the masterpieces displayed. However, I'm here today because I feel like a ''walking black-hole''. It's taking every bit of sanity to not just disappear. I desperately  need colours to fill me up in some way.....in any way. I am drowning so fast that every trace of my existence is vanishing.

Sadly, the artworks don't  particularly make me feel better at the moment. But I just can't go back to that house. I can't ! It may have felt like home before but it  no longer does . 

''Would you like me to switch off the lights'' asked the curator  with a smile on her face as she approached me.

''Is it closing time already?''

''Oh no... This mural gives a different experience in the dark. I noticed you'd been staring at it for minutes''

Her smile urging me to do the same but all I felt was exhaustion and nothing more. She switched off the lights upon my nod of approval and retreated. Just as she had claimed, it was different.

Colours I hadn't noticed earlier were now visible. They bounced off one another creating a pixelated yet blended array of colours. The images more defined and appealing. At the very edge was a child with the right hand extended towards another child. Every part of his body facing forward except his hand which was backwards.

We interpret art in different ways. My interpretation of  that mural  brought tears to my eyes. Deep down , I did know what I truly needed but ignored it countless times. But in this very moment I realised I couldn't do that anymore. I mumbled a word of gratitude to her  as I dashed out without a second glance. All the supressed emotions resurfaced as I sat in my car. 

It no longer mattered  that  a day is all that is left. I simply could not hurt myself like that anymore. I was    '' exhausted beyond exhaustion'' For the first time in months, I accepted that I might have to leave him. Being honest with oneself can be hard sometimes ,but it may just be the only answer.

The drive home was the longest ever ,well at least to me. I wasn't bothered that he'd stop me  because he's normally not even home at this time. And if he so happens to be ,there's not a chance he'd stop me because that's what our relationship has come to. I got home and he wasn't there as expected so I packed all I needed. It felt like a toddler as I walked out the backdoor leading to the poolside which I'd normally not do because I  had aquaphobia. I regretted it almost instantly as a hand held the back of my neck  digging into my carotid artery. Frantic, I dropped my luggage to free my hands to enable me fight off the unwelcome hand but I  couldn't . And before I knew it the other hand had brought me to the ground. My face at the edge of the pool nearly touching the water. Now gripped by fear , I screamed  because that was all I thought to do. I felt the weight of this person - my assailant on me ,unmistakably  seated on my back. My neck secured in a cage of both legs and head  almost simultaneously pushed into the  cold water.  I was caught between using one hand to keep my face from the water and the other pushed backwards to fight this person . This person that concluded my life meant nothing. I begged for  someone....anyone to just help me. I could feel it  all as if my senses were heightened. The water entering my lungs... My body struggling  so desperately to survive...

             What felt like eternity  abruptly came to an end .