Forgetting How to Dream

Unwanted Help

The rest of the first week passed in an uneventful matter. Macey and I have been really enjoying our classes so far and I have settled in more, calming the last of my 'new environment jitters'. Friday afternoon we decided to celebrate by taking a trip to our new favorite cafe "Lespresso". As we walked towards the car we said a few goodbyes as we wandered past people we had recently made friends with. We are in Macey's car today - A Yellow Audi TT that I bought her for her last birthday. It suits her personality and she seems to love it.

***Lespresso***

"You did so well this week, Addie! I barely saw you look in a single guy's direction! And we have been loving the classes." Macey looked over with a proud smile as she sipped her favorite iced raspberry freeze.

"Thanks Mace, it sure hasn't been easy on campus, but it's easier with you by my side. The classes really have been great. I thought this period of learning would be quite boring and just a stepping stone of qualification for our business, but I really think the classes are interactive and cater to a large number of learning styles which I'm impressed with and excited about!" I subtly changed the subject in a way I know she won't pick up on because even though I'm staying strong, I know I would be lying to myself if I didn't admit that I was dissapointed that I haven't run into Asher again, and that something I'm CERTAINLY not ready or willing to manifest by telling her.

*Ding*

Saved by the bell - Or maybe Maceys text tone.

Macey looked down and read aloud the text in her usual open style. Something we are in the habit of doing for each other as we don't keep secrets and it's much easier to read things to each other in real time than have to re-explain it later.

"It's from Jess, the auburn-haired girl from the business class. It says; Hey Macey, thanks again for your number. I thought i'd let you know that i'm hosting a party tonight with a few people from campus as a bit of a 'get to know you' type thing. I never got Addison's number but you're both invited. The address is 642 Redland Hill Rd, and we'll be ready from 8. hope to see you there! x"

She looked up at me expectantly, but I don't know what she's waiting for. She knows that I'm not the party type anymore, I just get too wild and too close to guys, something I'm actively avoiding right now.

"Come onnnn Addie... We need to branch out. We left our group behind in Orange County. Pleeeeeeease" She looked at me with those classic puppy eyes.

"Fine, but only for a little bit, and I'm driving. No drinking for me." I quickly give in as I adore her and want her to get what she wants.

Not long after, we left the cafe and headed for home, parting ways to prepare for the party, but before I stepped inside I was stopped by her voice. "Oh by the way, don't worry about picking your outfit, I have a dress for you. I'll bring it when im ready."

Before I could respond, I heard the click of her door closing. That IS a concern. I don't mind her picking from my outfits, but we do have different styles and I generally feel out of place in her light-colored sun-dresses and two-piece party clothes. It was too late now though, so I went to my bedroom and started on a fierce makeup look with gold eyeshadow and a KILLER wing.

Time moved quickly as Macey was always much faster at getting ready than I have ever been. Before I know it, she walked through my door holding the most beautiful dress I have seen, and I wonder when she could possibly have bought it without my knowledge.

"Here you go, I bought this for you a while ago but I've been keeping it for a special occasion" She said in a cool tone, knowing full well I'm already obsessed with it.

"Macey it's beautiful! You've outdone yourself. Thankyou!" Slowly she handed me the beautiful dress as I walk towards the ensuite to get changed.

It doesn't take me long but I look in the mirror when I'm done, I can't believe she's done it again! I see the most beautiful reflection staring back and me wearing a strapless maroon mini dress, cinched at the waist and flowing below to my upper mid thigh. I look incredible and i feel confident in it.

Just as I exit the bathroom and put on some black strap heels, I see Macey look at me in awe, clearly proud of her work. But I look back in awe also because now that I'm not so wrapped up in my dress, I see her in a beautiful champagne colored dress and can barely contain my excitement for the night to come.

"I KNEW IT! I knew that dress was made for you! Damn I'm good" She gloats as i return the compliments and we sit together for a little while.

*ding*

Macey looks down at her phone. "Ubers here!"

It takes me a moment to process. "Uber? Macey, I'm driving! You knew I was gonna drive!"

"I know Ads, but I'm not drinking alone! these h*es ain't loyal and you know I'll only drink with my boo!" She says, wearing the same puppy eyes i gave in to earlier.

"Fine. But don't blame me if we end up the infamous 'party pair' again" I respond, again in resignation as we walked out and got in the Uber.

She just looks back content, happy with their reigning reputation.

***642 Redland Hill Rd***

The 'little' get to know you party seems to be a full blown rage in one of the hottest suburbs around. We enter the mansion, grabbing the attention of everyone in the room. Lucky I'm feeling confident because I would usually melt internally with this many eyes on me. The eyes slowly start to stray back to what they were doing as we keep walking towards the backyard where we see the drinks are. It takes all of two minutes before we are graced with the presence of Ryley.

"Hey Maze, who knew you cleaned up so well?"

She was quick to respond with wit, "Anyone with a set of eyes Ryley, I wish I could say the same for you."

I slightly choke down my drink knowing that Ryley was exactly the blond-haired blue-eyed type that Macey goes for.

"Oh my beautiful Macey don't be like that, I only came to show my appreciation for you." Ryley stood with an extended lower lip as if he was pleading for her to relent.

"Well you sure know how to show your appreciation, I love being underestimated."

I'd finished my drink by this point and decided to grab another while I listened to their bickering. It was quite cute, and its been a long time since I've seen Macey take a liking to someone, whether she knows it or not. I could listen to them argue all night because it made me happy that my bestie had found someone that matched her energy. I look up and realize my time eavesdropping on the pair had ended as Asher had noticed our presence and was walking over to us, something i knew wouldn't end well with a few drinks in me so i picked up my purse ready to move away from them.

"Wow Addison, you really don't have to put effort into showing everyone up, but you look incredible." Asher looked at me with those intense hazel eyes waiting for me to respond. I noticed that it wasn't the usual expectant look i was used to receiving that signaled he was waiting for me to crumble under his compliments, but actually, he just stared at me with a look that conveyed admiration. I didn't feel like a deer in his headlights, but felt like an equal. I have to get out of here!

"Thanks Asher, You look nice too" He really did. He was wearing a white shirt that complimented his skin tone and dark chinos that made him look effortlessly cool.

"Would you like another drink?" He offered in a gentle manner.

"No thanks i just grabbed one, I've gotta go to the bathroom" I turned on my heel and practically ran from him, knowing that my dream land would already be filled with his face. I didn't look back to see the confusion on his face but i knew it was there.

***

"Addison Addison Addison" The whole room cheered as I won beer pong against two random guys. It feels good to be out again, I had almost forgotten how much fun it was making friends. Being admired.

"Addy that was awesome! Can I get you a celebratory drink?" Chris was one of my opponents and we made friends over the course of the game. I could already sense that he would be someone I would recently have allowed into my life, but he had nothing on Asher, so i knew I was in no danger of catching feelings. It's welcome company, knowing Asher wouldn't approach me again if he thought I was getting to know this guy, and I need that, being drunk at this point, knowing my solidarity won't last long around Asher in this state.

"Sure" A simple response as he ushered me towards the drinks table.

"How haven't I seen you around?" He looked at me for a response to his flirty question, a question that DID feel called for a response as if I was flattered by the remark. How has Asher already raised my standards and HOW am I going to stay away from him?

"I only just moved here. So it makes sense." An uninterested tone lined my voice but I tried to be polite, considering I was using him shamelessly to safeguard myself.

"I see, well I'm glad you're here now. I was getting bored with the girls around here", A sentence so blatant that I decided I was done with the conversation. But looking up at him, ready to give him a piece of advice about his disregard for the beautiful women around us, I realized I was much more drunk than I thought. Drunk? How did I get drunk? Usually I can handle my drinks. I still hadn't responded to his comment and seemed to be trapped in my thoughts, now unaware of my surroundings. Chris again ushered my body away from the drinks table and upstairs of the party. We passed many people on our way up the stairs as I was still talking to myself internally about my alcohol consumption. Suddenly, I was pulled from my thoughts when I realized everything was now quiet.So that's why I feel drunk. I'm not drunk, I'm Dizzy, I thought to myself as it dawned on me what was happening. By this point, my body rejected my commands and panic flooded me. "What are we here for Chris, where did the party go" Not my best work but hopefully I seemed coherent.

"The party's right here baby, I know you want this" He said, slowly stripping his s**t off.

I feel repulsed by what normally would entice me, and try to understand why he needed to get me in this state if he really thought i wanted him. The gravity of the situation slowly entered my mind finally, as if even in this state, with slowed responses, i still came to the conclusion that i didn't want this in time to say no.

"No I want to go back to the party if that okay" A last ditch effort that seemed to have no effect.

"We will soon enough". He started walking towards me slowly. Practically licking his lips, only further repulsing me. Oh god. FOCUS Addy. Focus. But focussing wasn't going to help. Even if my mind understood what was happening my body no longer respond to what I wanted it to do, so maybe it would just be better for me to submit to the numb feeling I was fighting.

Just as I was about to give up, I heard the door open. Unable to see who had opened it, but the sound had given me enough hope not to resign to that feeling.

"We're good here bro, can you leave?" Damn. Chris had the power in this situation. The hope started fleeting again but I felt a calm wash over me like a flood when I heard Ashers voice.

"Are you all good here Addy?" Hope. I slowly use all the strength I have to turn my head to look at him. I couldn't quite speak but I met his eyes and I knew he recognized the absence of my usual assertiveness.

"I'm not your bro and I don't think you are good". The calm again, washing through me as I listened to him speak my mind for me. I noticed Macey step out from a stance that was very close to Ryley, who I had just noticed was standing behind Asher. Even in this state, I was thrilled that it seemed they had put up a white flag for the night.

Macey continued walking closer to me and she didn't break eye contact the whole time, but I could see Chris trying to step between us. "No, I think we are good, you should get out. Isn't that right Addy?" We both know I can't respond, so it might have been a good move if he wasn't in the presence of my best friend, who knew me all too well.

"And I think you should get the f*ck out of the way of my best friend before this escalates". That's my Mace. He stepped towards her in a confrontational matter but before I knew it, Ryley was standing between them.

"Back off man". Ryley spoke in a warning tone.

I felt a warmth run through my body as I realized Asher had placed his hand on my arm in a protective way. He had made his way around Chris while he was distracted.

In a low tone he put all my fears to rest. "It's okay Addy, you're safe now."

It's like the room faded from around us. I know I should be afraid of these feelings, but it's so hard with him. Even like this, my body just responds to his touch as if we were made for each other, and I don't feel like he's a stranger. It's like he understands me on a deep emotional level, in a way that only Macey has known me... In just one look. Which just makes my body want him more. Just to have his hand on me like this, I'd be forever in bliss. If Macey is my twin flame, that makes him my soulmate. Why can't I let myself hope like this when I'm sober? I can't even remember my past pain when he's near me, so it seems silly right now that I wouldn't want to explore that.

The warmth was replaced with more numbness when I felt his hand leave my body. He stood in front of me with a powerful aura now whirling around him. Like anger that he waited to release until after he had been able to reassure me.

"Get out of my way before I move you myself", Chris spun around and his face paled as he saw Asher standing over him in a very dominant stance.

"I didn't mean anything by it, okay. I was just having some fun". It seemed that was the last thing Asher wanted to hear because he put his hands on Chris's shoulders and forced him out the door with ease. Slamming it once he was out.

Macey ran to my side, but since Asher had told me I was safe, I was overwhelmed by the feeling consuming my body.

"Come on Macey, I'll grab her and we will take you both home." Asher gently spoke to her and Ryley held her to the side while Asher picked me up bridal style. My eyes closed now and I could hear them talking, but I knew I wouldn't remember much of what was being said.

I felt a car seat beneath me and Macey holding my hand as the car vibrated over the road, completely surrendering to the turns and bumps in the car, my body like a ragdoll.

***

I woke up the next morning with a blurred version of last night's events swirling in my head, unaware of how I got to bed. I quickly located my phone and saw the time was 1:22pm. It's not morning. I've been asleep so long!

I immediately text Macey "I'm awake" knowing that's all I needed to say because she was most likely stationed outside my door all night.

I hear my door click open barely a second later and am surprised by the lack of pain in my head.

"Oh my god Addy, are you feeling okay?" My immediate response would have been yes but I was hit with a feeling of embarrassment. The LAST person I wanted help from was Asher, he probably thinks I'm so weak now. I somewhat explain what I'm feeling to Macey and she stays pretty silent, as if she was thinking, before responding.

"Ash let me stay next to you the whole time last night by doing everything for you instead of me having to leave you. He got you water and medicine for your head and practically shoved it down your throat for you." As if that was supposed to make me feel better.

I slowly got up, waiting for the hangover to hit, but it didn't really, other than minor dizziness when I first stood up. Whatever he gave me, I'm grateful for, as it seemed to do the trick. I had a hot shower while Macey waited on the bed as I gathered my thoughts. It's hard though. The only feeling I can really gather is embarrassment. I never want to see Asher again. It seems unfair considering how he helped me, but I barely know him and I'm expected to trust his intentions? Let alone that he probably thinks I'm a hot mess. Any chance I had of him taking me seriously is gone. He probably sees me as a play thing now, regardless of whether or not he saved me from that douche, it'll be impossible to assert my boundaries while feeling indebted towards him. The fear of my past repeating itself had clearly returned in the night. I feel angry with myself, because even though I'm taking a break from men, I just ruined my chances with Asher in the long run. Maybe that's what's best though. The universe gave me a clear path to stick with my abstinence, furthering my feeling that this is what is best for me. Looking after myself and dating myself. Learning to love myself and fulfill my own needs. Not getting into these situations where I feel helpless.

I don't particularly feel like ruminating on these feelings, so I change the subject when I come out of the bathroom, now dressed in gray sweats and a black tanktop, remembering that it wasn't just me that had a big night last night. "Macey Rose! Even barely coherent, I could see what was happening between you and Ryley last night... Tell me EVERYTHING!"

A blush graced her face as she immediately made a shy expression, "Oh Addy, I'm in trouble. After you saw us arguing for the first few minutes of us getting there, Ryley grabbed my waist and pulled me in so our faces were just inches apart. He asked me to 'lay down my arms' for the night and have a drink with him. My anger completely melted away and I found myself actually hoping that he'd kiss me. He didn't though. He patiently waited for my response and when I agreed he freed me from his hold and we ended up talking for aaages. He was a complete gentleman the whole night. I think I judged him too harshly.""Asher was in and out of the room also, not really sure where he went, but he participated in some of the conversations too. They seem like great guys and I wish you had been there. Ryley really won me over, but I don't think I'm done giving him grief. God he's so adorable when we're arguing!" Macey went on about her new-found crush and I was wrapped up with the conversation. A welcome distraction from my thoughts. I'm so happy to see her like this again after so long keeping a fake face on in her romantic relationships. If only I had taken her approach, maybe things would be different for me and I would be worthy of someone like Asher.

I hear a knock on the door, and Macey looks at me with a guilty face. "Ryley and Asher got us breakfast when I told them you were awake."

OH GOD! I can't face them! Especially looking like I've just woken up from being dead for years. Maybe Macey can just go see them out.

"Macey! They're back?!"

Macey's look of guilt grew as I knew she could sense my shame.

"Addy, last night wasn't your fault. They don't blame you at all and they've been so kind to get us breakfast!"

Another thing that makes me uncomfortable. I'm very financially independent and hate things bought for me, other than by Mace of course. There's always strings attached, especially when people find out I have money to repay them ten fold in future. The last thing I need is to feel more indebted to him... Him.... F*ck. Asher is at my door.

Groaning, I slowly get up from my bed as Macey leads me downstairs. I catch a glance at myself in one of my mirrors and feel slightly better, knowing now that I only feel like death, and actually look pretty cute in my sweats and messy bun. Not that it really makes up for the way Asher probably sees me.

We made our way downstairs and invited them into my loungeroom. They brought us a really nice breakfast meal, and I wondered where they had found it at this time of day, but I dare not ask as I am struggling to break my silence, and I barely had an appetite anyway, so I just sat, curled up in the corner of my lounge suite and listened to Macey and Ryley getting back to their bickering, as if nothing had happened.