Not My Mate - Finished

Chapter Fifteen - A Decision

The next morning, I recapped my conversation with Seth to Kayne as I nursed Luka.

I explained all of my feelings. I loved Kayne, and I was really happy where I was. I truly had gotten absorbed in our relationship and swept up by my pregnancy. Seth had been an after thought, on the back burner. The hurt from missing him faded eventually and I felt comfortable.

Kayne made me feel wanted, he made me feel loved. For two people who were never supposed to be together, we fit together well. We never fought. Even when I said things that should upset him, he took everything I did with grace.

I was also nervous about taking Luka on my own for a weekend. He was only a week old and we were still getting to know each other. Being a mother was terrifying at times. I was constantly afraid that I wouldn't wake to his crying, or that he would stop breathing in his sleep, or that he was secretly starving and I wasn't feeding him enough or making enough milk. I would get grumpy in my sleep-deprived state and cry when he woke up just moments after I finally laid down. I was calm and gentle with him, but on the inside, I wanted to scream. I relied heavily on Kayne in those moments. He happily stepped in to help with Luka and to give me a few hours of rest. We were definitely a team, and split the responsibility of caring for Luka evenly. I was afraid to imagine taking him for several nights on my own without Kayne's help.

On the contrary, being away from my mate was not natural and every fiber of my being felt it. There was constantly a weight in my chest. Nothing ever felt quite right. I physically felt out of place. There were moments when I didn't think about it nearly as much, when I didn't feel it at all. However, when I thought about Seth at all, the sinking feeling tore through my body. I felt like a kid lying to my parents or sneaking out of the house. I felt like I had been caught doing the wrong thing. Something didn't sit well within me. I could feel it in my chest and in the pit of my stomach, to the depths of my soul.

It wasn't only that. I had spent a lifetime with Seth. I had loved him for my whole life. He was my perfect fit, we were made for each other by the Goddesses. Our looms of fate were woven together from before we were born. We had lived many lives together, each one leaving marks on our souls to make sure we found each other in the next life. I loved him so completely and despite my happiness with my current situation, I missed him. I wondered all of the time what my life would be like had I never come to stay with Kayne. I imagined raising our children in the pack we were raised in, watching them grow to serve their Alpha who would be my nephew. When I saw Seth with Makayla, it hurt. He was mine.

Despite everything, I knew Seth deserved to be happy. It was selfish of me to try to make him be alone while he waited for me to only come around occasionally. If he found someone who was as okay with the situation as Kayne was, what was the harm? I should be happy for him. I should be grateful to her.

I explained all of this as Kayne listened intently and with understanding. He stayed silent while I ran through my thoughts.

“Ok. Do you want my advice?” Kayne asked.

“Yes.” I said.

“It's harsh.”

“Okay, tell me.” I said.

“I think you need to figure out if you want to be with Seth because you want to be, or if you're hanging on to some obligation of him being your mate. You shouldn't be with him if it won't make you happy. I think right now, you two have really great potential to both be really happy with your respective partners and things seem to really have gone the best they ever possibly could. I don't quite grasp why there's still that tension there.” Kayne said.

“I get what you mean. I never expected to be so happy here, and I didn't think I'd get to the point where I felt like I'd be fine if I didn't have Seth. I also feel like I'll regret not knowing and not trying. I had planned for something my whole life, and then that changed. I have the opportunity to still explore what my future would have been like. I just don't know how to tell if that's really what I want, and I don't know what to do if it ends up not being what I want.” I said.

“I think you need to have an honest conversation with Seth. In my opinion, you two will never know what feelings are still there unless you spend time together. You both mentally adjusted to not being together. You both decided you'd make the best of your situation without each other, and you've done that. You should spend a few hours together and work up to a day or a weekend and see how you feel.” Kayne said.

“I'm afraid to take Luka without you.” I said.

“You'll do just fine, and I bet your mom will be more than happy to get an armful of this guy.”

He smiled. I smiled back. We kissed. I knew he was right.

We agreed I would call Seth that afternoon.