In the Eyes of a Wallflower

Monotony

Casey POV

            *WAH! WAH! WAH! WAH! *

      I smack my alarm to shut it up as my consciousness reluctantly returns to my body. I move the hair that is covering my face and wipe the drool that has accumulated under my chin. ‘Jeez I slept good as hell last night,’ I think. That soup and bath really must have helped. I yawn and stretch out my muscles. My legs are still a bit tender in the mornings, so it takes me a little longer to get moving. I do a few stretches my doctor showed me in-between my physical therapy appointments to really get loosened up and once done with that, I head to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. Then I walk to my closet and grab my uniform. We are given 5 uniforms to rotate through, so I don't ever have to wait for the laundry. Just as I finished getting dressed, I catch the smell of waffles and sausage “MMMM” *stomach gurgles* It's definitely time to eat.

        This morning Anna had an appointment, so it’s just Mrs. Lucy in the kitchen. I walk in and immediately grab a plate and start filing it up. “Well, I am glad I made enough for me too." She chuckles. I smile sheepishly, "Sorry. Good morning Mrs. Lucy" I mumble, trying to swallow the food I had already stuffed in my mouth. "Oh no dear its quite alright. I am glad to see your appetite returning." She says smiling. I love Mrs. Lucy. She has always been here and is like a grandmother to me. Where no one else does, she actually sees me for me. And even with that she still cares and stays. I nod my head and continue to eat.

Once finished, I head for the door and notice a light on in Dad’s study. I walk over and check the door but its locked. ‘Hm, maybe dad stopped by and forgot to turn it off.’ I'll have to remind Mrs. Lucy to turn it off for him. I rush to tell her and then head out to the car that is waiting out front.

The drive to school is relatively normal and I start to feel myself drift into a meditative state of auto pilot. We arrive at the school, I go to my locker, and I walk to my Biology class. I take my seat and the class goes by seemingly normal. PE is the same. From then on, the day seems to pass by uneventfully. Until I reach English class where I get a sudden burst of energy and attentiveness.

    The words of Shakespeare always have a way of righting my soul. There is something unique about poetry and heartache when written. It gives the words a whole new meaning and atmosphere. I wonder however if you were to step out from the dark caress of poetry… To step into the light of media or maybe journalism? Become a blogger? Hmmmm… Taking the hidden words of the world no one sees but me. Could that even be possible? Surely my life isn't so boring that I would need such tactics as of yet, right? No, I don't think so, but maybe?

 As I arrive back home, I see the light off in my dad’s study. ‘That’s good.’ I think. I start to trudge up the steps and notice a slight pain in my hips. Thankfully, it isn’t as bad as it usually is. I should be able to stop the medication soon. As I reach my door, I throw my bag on the desk and head to the closet to change out of my uniform. I grab some leggings and a large hoodie then grab my journal to catch up on the day. I notice it doesn't take me long to write so I decide to get my laptop out. I put on some music and start scrolling through Myspace and change my layout. I decide on this awesome striped layout that reminds me of Beetlejuice. ‘Now to pick a new song.’ I've had My Own Worst Enemy by Lit for a while now but I’m ready to change it up. After hearing it on the radio in the car I really think I'm feeling One Headlight by The Wallflowers.

 I am lost in the new add-ins and graphics that were made available when there's a knock at my bedroom door. "Come In!" I yell imagining it’s Anna here to check on me since I haven’t seen her today. I look up over my laptop screen as the door opens and my jaw drops as my father appears in the doorway. “Dad! Hey! What are you doing here?” I ask excitedly, putting my laptop down on the desk. I rush over to him and into his embrace.

“Hey pumpkin. Take it easy. We don’t need you hurting yourself. How are you?” I roll my eyes. “Dad, I’m fine. I’m not gonna get hurt by giving you a hug.” He laughs before holding me out at arm’s length. “Really though, Casey, how are you?” the look in his eyes screams genuine concern. “I’m ok. Being home is nice.” I shrug. He looks like he wants to inquire further but instead changes the subject. “So, what were you doing up here? I hope I wasn’t interrupting anything?” He smiles warmly gesturing for me to sit back down on my bed. He follows me over and sits down beside me. “I was just updating my Myspace profile. There are so many fun graphics that I can use now. I made my curser a little bat.” I chuckle. He smiles again but this time it doesn’t meet his eyes. “Hmmm, well, how is it being back at school?” he asks leaning back on his palms not seeming to know what to talk about.

“It’s fine. I have a free period as the sec to last block of the day, so I have yet to bring homework home. And my last class is my favorite which means I get to end every day on a good note. Otherwise, it isn’t anything all that eventful. It’s just high school.” His smile is back on his face again, “Well I am glad your schedule worked out so nicely. I just wa-“he cuts off at the sound of his cell phone ringing in his pocket. He pulls it out and checks the caller I.D. “Sorry pumpkin. I’ve got to take this. I’ll see you for dinner in a bit. Hello, this is McFadden…” He smiles before rushing out of my room. “I wonder what he was going to say?” I think aloud. Shrugging I pick my computer back up to browse online a bit until dinner is ready.

Around 630pm, there's another knock on my door. This time it is Anna, who enters when I call out. "Hey kiddo, it’s time to eat. I saw your dad is home too, so he will be joining us tonight." She smiles warmly, but again I notice it doesn't reach her eyes 'hmm that’s odd first dad now Anna' I think as I genuinely smile back. "I know. I'm so happy he's home, how was your appointment?" I say trying to lighten the mood. "It went as expected. Thank you for asking. Now get your butt downstairs before dinner gets cold." She chuckles as she turned to leave. I hurry to wash my hands and head down. I could swear I smell pot roast cooking.

After making it down the steps, I notice Dad’s study light on again. ‘It must've been him who left it on this morning.’ I think as I walk by. I can hear him talking on the phone, so I continue on my way to the dining room. "Hello, dear how was your day?" Mrs. Lucy asks me. "It was good, pretty boring aside from Dad being home." I smile brightly at the thought of having a meal with my father. If it weren't for the accident, I probably wouldn't remember the last time we had dinner together. However, I remember it all too clearly. ‘Is that what he wanted to talk about?’ I wonder. Mrs. Lucy walks over and places warm rolls and a delicious looking roast down on the table. "Something smells delicious." Dad says, as he walks into the room. I beam up at him already reaching for a roll.

       "So, Pumpkin tell me. How are you healing?" He asks filling his plate at the same time. "I'm doing good. I still have a slight ache in my hip sometimes, but nothing too crazy." ‘Hopefully, physical therapy helps to get rid of that.’ I think to myself. "Well, that’s wonderful, I know your mother was hoping that soon you would be well enough to do some traveling with her." He doesn't look at me as he says this. 'Ah this is probably what he wanted to say in my room.’ "You know I don't like all that glitz and glam that follows her around." I retort. It’s not that I don't miss my mom. Let's just say we have a different relationship than me and Dad do. "She misses you kid, and it is easier for you to go to her, than the other way around." He looks at me pointedly now. "Yea? because it should be me, who stops my life to see her? Not like she even visited me in the hospital, and I'm her only child." I respond slightly annoyed that this is our first dinner together in months, and its spent discussing Mom. "I'm full. Now may I be excused?" I ask pushing my still heaping plate away as I stand. It’s a lie. I’m starving and barely got to taste the delicious roast that Mrs. Lucy made for us. Dad sees this. Being a top tier lawyer in New York comes with being a human lie detector. "Of course, Pumpkin enjoy your night." he says with looking up from his plate. I leave the dining room and head to my room. Anyone looking in, would think it was just a normal night in for the McFadden’s. Nothing is ever as it seems on the outside, however. We playhouse and pretend we aren't broken inside. But beyond that we all function with our own little secrets.

              I flop down on my bed as soon as I make it into my room. Reaching up for a pillow, I cover my face and muffle a frustrated scream with it. I lay here for a minute hoping for my frustration to subside. As if my mind is against me, I just have thoughts of what “mommy dearest” wants, always being how they always insist things go. She just has never been able to understand that I am nothing like her.

              I reach under my bed and grab my journal. Maybe just writing all of my frustrations down will once again be my solace. I flip the now more worn book over to the first empty page available and just pour my heart out.

                             Entry 33

              Why? Why can’t I just have normal parent’s that love me for who I am? Why does my mother always have to try to force the “good life” on me as she likes to call it? My mom and I are just so different. She is famous. She loves stardom. She travels to all the finest cities and people just fall to her feet as if she is a goddess. She is great at what she does, and she is always shining so brightly that she stands out in any crowd. The honest truth is, she wants me to stand by her side and showcase all of the authority and confidence that she upholds. But it just isn’t me. I have already missed so much schooling from being in the hospital and now she wants me to just ditch school for some time in the limelight? Hell no. I won’t do it. I have to get dad to understand somehow that I just want to be normal for a bit. Two days of actual high school does not mean I have lived the teenage dream. My dreams are to learn and excel on my own. I don’t need Mommy and Daddy’s names to achieve my goals and I just wish they would both let it be. How could a nobody like me ever compare to the beauty and fame that is my mother? Even my dad is known of great importance. They created greatness for themselves and the world never even really acknowledged my existence from day one.

              -I have no clue that I am crying until I see a tear drop fall onto my paper. “No.” I say firmly to myself. “I am not going to let this be something to break me.” I roughly wipe at the tears on my cheeks before swallowing hard and continuing on my entry-

              Mom has made such a name for herself that all of her public business is spread around on every social media platform available. I remember hearing girls at school talking about a photo they saw of my mom wondering who the girl was that was in the selfie with her. I slipped a look over their shoulder to see that it was me they were referring to. As invisible as ever, I was left with a blank look on my face as they walked away wondering if the girl in the photo was a charity case or something along those lines. My mother has posted pictures of us and talked about her darling daughter to the outside world, but everyone is so focused on her that they never inquire further.

Daddy, on the other hand, is a polar opposite to Mom when it comes to how he handles his fame. The public is allowed to know how good he is at his job and that is it. Beyond the people in a court room, Dad doesn’t typically let much information of who his clients even are out to the community. He keeps his private life 100% lock and key so that any disgruntled people that relate to his active cases can’t harm his loved ones. Women who swoon over him know that he is married but they don’t know who it is to. And no one outside our home knows he has a daughter. Mom and Dad both have a name for themselves and people know who they are. but no one knows that they are together, no one knows where they live. They have fans as well as enemies, so when it comes to their private lives the world continues wondering what lies behind the clouded glass windows…

I sit my pen down looking over what I have written. I can’t say that this entry has made me feel better as I have mainly only addressed the facts of my parents lives. Pointing out how I am invisible in the world around them really makes me even more upset. Daddy keeps me hidden for safety unless we go states away. Mom wants me to travel the world and shout who I am to everyone I meet. I don’t even get the chance to be just me. ‘A normal teenager living in a happy medium of being seen or not. It seems I’ll never get that.’ I think to myself with a heavy sigh. I roll off my bed after checking the time. Its nearly 1 am and everyone is usually asleep by now. My stomach grumbles having not eaten any of Mrs. Lucy’s delicious pot roast and I wonder if she saved me any. I grab my robe and head towards the stairs. From the top, I can see Dad’s study light is on again. I hear him talking but no replies. He must still be on the phone with a client although it’s awfully late to be working still. I sneak past trying to keep quite as to not awaken Mrs. Lucy or Anna. However, upon walking into the kitchen I see Mrs. Lucy standing at the island and Anna sitting on the other side crying and eating a tub of ice cream. “Oh, Dear what are you doing up at this hour?” Mrs. Lucy asks, Anna’s eyes go wide as she realizes that I am here.

“I didn’t really eat dinner. Anna are you ok?” I ask quietly she looks to Mrs. Lucy who nods. “Come on hon, come sit with me.” Anna states patting the stool beside her. She doesn’t stop eating the ice cream, only slows down a little. I slowly walk and sit next to her while Mrs. Lucy starts heating me up some leftovers. “Does this have to do with your appointment?” I ask. She sighs and pushes the tub away as Mrs. Lucy sets my food down. I don’t reach for it yet, looking at Anna. “Yea, it’s about my appointment.” Anna pauses and takes a long deep slow breath what she says next shatters my world. “I had a biopsy taken and the results came back that I have cervical cancer. I don’t know how bad just yet, but it’s enough for concern of me never having children of my own.” Her voice breaks at the end and my heart clenches in my chest.

This is my Anna, my best friend, she’s like my older sister and always has been. Now am I going to lose her? I start panicking but on the outside all that shows is the tears streaming down my face. “Oh Anna” I throw my arms around her neck and quietly sob. She starts crying too and soon Mrs. Lucy has wrapped both of us in a hug and we are all ugly crying together in the dark. After a moment, Anna speaks up and says “Enough. I’m not going to sit here and mourn my life when this isn’t over yet. I still have too much to live for.” I see Anna straighten her spine with a look of determination flashing across her face. I feel inspired to find a way to be there for her no matter what happens from here on out. We finish up our food and ice cream, hugging one last time before heading off to our separate rooms. As I crawl into my bed, I’m absolutely exhausted and sleep engulfs me quickly.