Reflections

Chapter 11:Event one

It didn’t matter how much I felt about Mr Right, if I felt threatened, I got defensive. Now and again, I would become uninterested in him. He suddenly wanted me to explain my moves each and every time. I couldn’t handle the feeling of being watched. Learning about Mr Wrong made Mr Right very insecure. In all his glory, I wonder why I wasn’t having the same problem.

He was ever so sweet thought. He only ever wanted what modern people do now in relationships. Advertise their happiness all over social media. I didn’t feel the same way. I had only one reason in particular. “If he posted me, everyone would see it.” That was just not okay. I wanted to remain invisible even though I was so comfortable with Mr Right, openly admitting to my friends that I loved him or at least had genuine interest in him. I just never wanted it to be all over the school and it made me defensive. I wanted to control what others could say about me. I was eagerly waiting for him to slip up, but he didn’t. I was the one in the wrong. Not wanting to be all over social media. I also could not handle the double standards that came with this new attention. When he posted me, I had to post him too, but it made him happy and, in my head, I was thinking about how I never had this problem with Mr Wrong. Mr Wrong never wanted to post my pictures on social media, that didn’t bother me at all.

I would sometimes look back. Regret ever giving up on me and Mr Wrong. I would ask myself if I loved Mr Wrong more, maybe I could have done right by him. I felt like all I was doing with Mr Right was wrong. Like I made all the wrong decisions. It was my senior year. The chapter that sealed my love story. Made me question myself; ‘Was I ever really in love?’. I still continued with Mr Right despite my doubts. Despite the constant pressure. Despite the constant questions in my head about who I loved and who I really wanted in my life.

I consulted my best friend for some advice. She told me straight, ‘You should never have gotten yourself into this situation whereby you feel confused to begin with’. Looking back, I should have listened to her. Best advice. She had also told me to leave the complicated situation. If I couldn’t stop regretting my breakup with Mr Wrong while being with the perfect guy, why was I even still in the relationship? I didn’t heed her advice of breaking off with Mr Right and just taking time to rethink my life decisions, then start over.

I didn’t want to lose him, nor hurt him, but I gradually lowered the bar. We were stable, I just didn’t know if I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.