Reflections

Chapter 15: Exit Strategy

He would always remind me of Einsteins theory of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Us getting back together had a condition. It meant I had to do things his way now. His exact words were ‘We tried this relationship your way, and we failed, now let’s try it my way’. I didn’t want to object. I loved him, but I didn’t know how to love him the right way. The way that he wanted. I just couldn’t change how I was. I loved the person I was sometimes. The only thing I still don’t love is not knowing why I just didn’t choose him in the first place.

Time skip to the present. These days are passing by so fast. I’m no longer with him. Looking back now, I know why I didn’t choose him but wanted him around even though I loved someone else more. Not to say I didn’t love him. I loved him, just not the same as I loved Mr Wrong. I didn’t choose Mr Right because he was wrong for me. Yes, he was very ideal, very smart, and just perfect. One that seemed to have no flaws. He had a lot of patience, but he had his days as well. I just tested his patience one too many times until he broke.

He always wanted to prove a point. He always wanted to post about his joy, as well as his problems. I don’t judge those who post about their relationships, but we don’t react the same. He was also very quick to move on from me. One day, he was so in love with me and at the first sight of fault he was already happy with someone else. That to me didn’t seem stable at all. Definitely not someone I could risk a lifetime loving. I guess it was never going to be always and forever like we had hoped.

He was a good person, don’t get me wrong, but he had zero privacy in a relationship. He felt comfortable asking for opinions from other people about our relationship. Him talking to other people about our problems didn’t sit well with me. It made me a subject of ridicule among the people he considered his friends and I had to fight that anger stemming inside me from having him decide everything about us based on what whosoever said he should proceed. I don’t share intimate details with my friends unless it’s a crisis I can’t control. Nobody has to know my dirty laundry. Especially since I had lots of it. Moreover, I was not a fan among his friends. Every advice they gave him never favored me.

I also didn’t choose him because I didn’t support his conditions to love me his way. I couldn’t handle the double standards. When he posted, I had to post back. Even when I did, he would still complain. He would say I didn’t write the words right. He was stuck on the idea that I wanted to stay with him because he could help me study. I wanted so much to prove him wrong that I decided to study alone. It didn’t help though. I was so used to him being there. Maybe he was partly right, but I had made it before without him. I just couldn’t without him. It was so hard. I was falling apart. We drifted more apart.