Reflections

Chapter 16: Insanity

I needed him, but he was already building a life without me. Again. That is why I didn’t know he wanted to study to change his field of study. That is why I didn’t know he wanted to move to another state and that he wanted to move far away, to get away from me. His excuse was that he wanted to secure a better future for us. He told me this at the last minute, literally the day he left to medical school. That was how we ended. Even though there was some love left, the distance took it all away.

Looking at us now, I was wrong not to choose him. Maybe he wouldn’t have felt the need to leave so that the distance could finally make our relationship end. For all the wrong things I did to him. Maybe I could be telling a different story. I guess our love wasn’t that strong. He made his exit hurt though. He gave me a taste of my own medicine. I didn’t like how it tasted. No matter how I try to justify everything, his opinion of me now will never change. He will never stop despising me. I know, I deserve it. He was right to leave first. I went by this so wrong. Now his life is so much better because I’m not in it.

I keep going back to his love for Einsteins theory of insanity. After the first breakup and we got back together, expecting our relationship to be better than before, that was the actual insanity. Once there is cheating or any sort of betrayal, no matter what the other person says, trust is already broken. It is just a matter of time till all that anger bursts and the relationship finally ends. I truly think that's what happened to us. Just when I was falling much deeper in love, willing to change, his exit strategy was already in motion. He was all set for a life where I wasn’t in it.

At least all his plans aligned to his plans for his future. Because he did get married on September 24th. Just not to me. Well on his way to developing and proving his theory. Maybe he will win a Nobel Prize. We never got too far in our relationship for me to find out if that was in any of his future plans.