Reflections

Chapter13:Event three

Why was Mr Right doing all the things he was doing for me? Why was he loving me more, caring more, listening more? Why was he there when all I wanted was to be with Mr Wrong still? I could not embrace his love at the time. His affection seemed like an attack on my defenses. I thought he had an ulterior motive. My guard was always up, because for some reason I could not believe he loved me still. Why would he? My life revolved around these two guys. I never went back to him, but I always doubted if I loved Mr Right or not. Who did I really love? I was now free to love Mr Right, but how could i? I couldn’t, at least not as much as he wanted. As much as I wanted to be happy, I still thought about Mr Wrong.

I did not want to hurt Mr Right, but I was hurting him more and more with my actions. Each and every waking day I didn’t take Mr Wrong out of my heart completely. I put more damper on things. I was creating a storm I couldn’t run away from. All in the name of protecting my heart from someone who genuinely cared about my well-being. All the pieces of my heart that were broken by Mr Wrong, Mr Right could not fix. I was void. Hallow. I was so loved by Mr Right, but I felt empty still.

His love was beginning to suffocate me. I no longer wanted to see myself on his status. I wanted to see him less. I suddenly had more excuses. Now that it was just Mr Right, I felt like he could not love me the same. The love I got from Mr Wrong can never compare to how Mr Right felt about me. Mr Wrong might have loved me more, but Mr Right loved me the best. I couldn’t live without his warm embrace. I was so angry inside. Angry at myself for letting things get that far. For destroying my relationship for temporary bliss. I had regrets.

Mr Right, however, was in it for the long run. I just kept on putting obstacles for him, and that drove him to the arms of another woman. He could no longer bear the sight of me. I didn’t want to give him my love, so he thought he should give his heart to someone else who was willing to take good care of it. Now that he had left me too, I got angrier.

First thing I wanted to destroy was the ring. Ring of lies, I thought to myself. Full of empty promises. I threw it in the fire along with everything he’s ever given or bought me, or the ones I willingly took and didn’t give back. I felt very psychotic. I had now lost him too. It felt like hell. I missed the attention. All the love. I wanted it all back, but how I went about it was wrong. Playing the victim card. While I knew very well, I should have just humbled myself and apologized.