Reflections

Chapter 6:Mr Wrong

When I met Mr Right, I was facing my own demons, yes. One of them was that I was in love, dangerously in love with someone else. Mr Wrong and I were going through a relationship crisis. We weren’t speaking at the time, and that’s the reason I wasn’t paying attention in the lab that day we met. I was thinking about him. But then talking to Mr Right helped. He distracted me from my thoughts. Brought me back to reality. I was at peak depression but kept a resting happy face. Normal face. Pretending was something I’ve always been good at.

It would be fair to say I played him, or that I used him to get out of my own depression. But it’s not true. I loved him, just not enough. On our first date, I had wanted to spend my day with Mr Wrong, but he couldn’t make the time for me, he was always busy with his friends. Him being there at that moment made me less lonely. Mr Wrong didn’t want to talk about the current problems we were having, so, running on that field helped me vent out all that anger I was having inside. Masked by my sheeply smile. Talking about astronomy was my favorite thing to do. From then on, I started to forget I was already with someone else. In my defense, he was already like a stranger. It was so easy for me to be with the other guy. Because I felt like he no longer wanted to be with me either. Was I cheating?

When things were starting to get good, and I was starting to fall for Mr Right, he came back. Reminded me of how much I loved him instead. For a brief moment I was conflicted. What was I to do with the new guy now? Who should I choose? Why couldn’t they be one person? I loved Mr Wrong and I loved that Mr Right was there for me. I was in love with them both. But honestly, the love for Mr Wrong was now fading. I wanted to end things with him. I decided to come clean to Mr Right. Told him the incomplete truth. I told him we were no longer together. Although it was as if we were not together but the both of us never came out and said it plainly.

He was so understanding and took me in with my own flaws. All the scars I was hiding, and all the demons I was carrying felt lighter with Mr Right. I no longer had to wear a poker face. He promised to help me through it. I was now with two guys though. One more actively involved than the other. It made me feel terrible inside. I kept on asking myself, was it ever really love though? I did not recognize this woman I was turning into. How could I be with two men and still be okay with myself? I was aware of everything that was going on. I was in danger for not telling Mr Wrong that it was over, because that meant he could always come back, because the premise was not clear.

I never made it clear with Mr Wrong, because deep down I did not want to lose the relationship I took years building because of him. I told him I didn’t love Mr Wrong; it wasn’t true at the time though, because my feelings for Mr Wrong were clouded by the ones I was developing for him. I had no guilty conscience. My mind was telling me I wasn’t cheating because the relationship with Mr Wrong was strained (as Ross would say ‘We were on a BREAK’). It was as if we weren’t together. But was it ever really over?