Lost

TWO

Sitting in a coffee shop, I scrolled through my i********:. I tried to distract myself as much as I could. This is unbelievable. I will not work in that company and I don’t want to spend any more time near my family. Family? Sounds so foreign. I don’t think I have ever felt welcomed in my house after joining college. I still remember by high school.

I decided to go for arts which was unacceptable to my mother. Dad supported my decision but was a little disappointed. I don’t blame him, I mean most of my relatives were. My mother was always my shoulder and expected me to be a useful asset. It was a rough year for me when she heard my decision. She convinced me before my final year to change my stream and study law.

Fortunately, my high school teacher Ms. Jenny was an angel. She motivated me, helped me and made me who I am. That sweet, innocent woman taught me to be a rebel that my mother despised. She got married last year with her girlfriend Lucy. That also presented me an opportunity to know that my parents were homophobic. Honestly, I am not surprised. However, it was ‘family disgrace’ if I continued to talk to her.

I should have joined my friends for an internship. They were applying to a few start-ups and media firms. I was too lazy to apply for one, and now I regret it. I see my classmates taking pictures in the new office and my heart sinks. I have to go back to that hell-hole and I also have to tell my father that I won’t join his firm. The only thing good about my father is he doesn’t care. If I disagree, he makes one snide remark and leaves me on my own. I cry at his comment for a day and then I am good to go.

My mother, on the other hand, prefers to put up a fight. She will continue till either of us breaks down into tears. This is what I am most afraid of. I can deal insults but drama, it breaks me. Emotional manipulation and blackmailing is something that can break me. I survived my high school as I was good at what I did and it kept my logical part consoling myself that it’s all worth it. But now? I don’t know.

No matter how idiotic it sounds, I care. I care what my mother speaks about me. I care what my father thinks about me. I care what my family expects me to do. I care that I am an asset not a disgrace to my parents. I don’t want to be disrespectful of my parents’ effort. Even though we disagree, they are not bad people. It’s just a conflict of ideas.

I text Poppy about my situation and ask her for a recommendation. She replied to me in a few minutes.

Sure, send me your CV. Mom told me about it. So you will stay there for two months?

Nope. I am planning to get an internship or enrol in some classes.

Little late for internships. Although you can look out for one month internship for next month. Till then you can take some classes.

That’s a good idea. I will see that.

Anytime : )

I was in my room preparing to send some CV and application letters. Suddenly, mom knocked.

“Busy with classes?”

“Yes. What happened?”

“Have you applied to your father’s firm? Even though he has good connections, you should be diligent with your efforts. He has a reputation to maintain. People will judge your father on your conduct.”

“Well, he should avoid telling people that I am her daughter, I can be an anonymous woman working in that firm. Is it necessary for everyone to know my family connection?”

“If you know your father, he is very social and so is his family. Even though you hardly socialize, people know your name and everything about you. You have a golden opportunity to reclaim his trust.”

“His trust? What did I do?”

“Oh! don’t be so ignorant. Did you not see him sad and disappointed when you refused to support him. His family, colleagues and friends had so much hope that you would join and help your father. He was so broken by your rebellious act.”

I lowered my eyes as I could feel my tears forming. I don’t want to cry in front of her, I know that even if what she says is true, I can make her proud like Poppy did. I just need some time to do my best.

“Anyway, when I talked about it to Poppy, she advised me to join you as a content writer in his firm. It is not as good as a lawyer but still worth it. You can be the best writer in a Law firm and make us proud. Oh! I can imagine him being proud of you.”

Poppy helped my mother. She knows how rocky our relationship is. I trusted her and shared my secret. Wait, is it possible that she might tell her about my current plans? Oh no! this will be disastrous.

“I will think about it. Right now I am solving an assignment for college.”

“Sure, I was just advising you. Your father is delighted to know that you will work with him. If anything, he is waiting to talk to his supervisor about it. That reminds me, you need to meet his supervisor next week. After all, he will be your boss. You need to have good relations with him.”

If words could kill, I would feel what I am feeling right now. Panic fills me as I am unable to process. It’s not about what she is saying, it’s about what she means. My friend betrayed me. My mother is making my life decision. My father hates me. I am a disgrace.

I start breathing heavily. My therapist told me to recognize my anxiety attack. This is it. I can feel my hands shaking, my heart racing. I am the reason that my father is upset is me. I have no autonomy over my life. How long till I become a puppet of my family's fame? I feel like I will vomit. I feel sudden uneasiness. It's happening. I don't want to speak. I may speak or say something bad. This is too much. I cannot take it anymore. I flipped over the laptop from my lap and rushed towards the washroom. I lock myself in. This is too much. I can't breathe. I sit on the floor as tears begin to fall. I can hear my mother shouting. I don't care. I shut my mouth with my hand to stop the muffled sound. What will I do? Most importantly, where will I escape?