Lost

FIVE

Okay, this is bad. Whenever she starts crying, I feel sad and then I start crying. I am very emotional and crying is the first thing I do when I am overwhelmed.

“You have no idea how much I love you. I never thought my own daughter thinks so low of me. I always fought for you and did the best I could. I told you to be in Law as I knew your potential. I didn’t want you to be dressed as Barbie dolls so I made sure that you learn all the manners. People adore you because I trained you to be gentle, soft-spoken and kind. You say as if your father is the only one who brought you up? Let me tell you, it was I who carried you for nine months.”

I tear up as she continues to speak, ” I quit my job to look after you. I took care of you and this is what I get for my sacrifice? Your father used to be busy at his office and I made sure you got all love and affection from me. All your father ever did was provide you money. I guess that’s what you value the most.

Stop crying. I know your drama. You are acting as if I am the one who is guilty but it’s the other way around. You always talk to me as if I am nothing, you insult me with your behaviour in front of my colleagues. If I wanted I could have given birth to more children but I wanted you to be epitome of perfection. I did and gave you everything I could and this is how you respond?

You go to stupid therapy and what not just to make sure that everyone won’t blame you for your own weakness and failure. Well, I can see through your act. I know your drama to get attention and sympathy. I can assure with utmost certainty that you are doomed for life. If you continue this way, you will be at the brink of sadness. Wait till you see how your own children will abandon you and how your father and spouse will hate you. You will get what you deserve, I won’t interfere with your life as from now on you are nothing to me. Now you are my daughter only because of your father and society. I cannot wait to see the day when you leave this house and let me live here in peace.”

She got up and started going towards the door and looked at me for one last time, ” I wish I knew that spending $3,00,000 on a person for twenty-one years would yield me nothing. I wish I had saved my efforts and continued with my job. I wish I had saved all the money I spend on you so that it could be fruitful. I guess, we all make mistakes.”

She slammed the door and walked away. I stood up and went inside the bathroom. I striped off my clothes and stepped inside my shower. Slowly and slowly I feel my eyes getting blurry. Tears flooded my eyes. My hands were shaking and my breath was unsteady. I hugged myself and sat down. I cried. I cried even though I could barely speak, I cried till my hiccups were out of my control. My head hurts from all the crying but I still don’t feel it is enough. I don’t know what hurts me the most. Fact that I am a bad daughter? or that, my mother hates me? Or that, I am just worth some $3,00,000 Fixed deposit for twenty one years? Or that, I will always be sad and never find happiness?

What is worse is that it’s not the first time she did, and definitely not the last time. I am sad that she thinks I am some gold-digger who will be successful only with the help of a man. I am sad that even after years of obedience, all I get is this rant. I try to be emotionally resilient and pretend like nothing happened. But no matter what I try or do, I know that my mother hates me. I also know that after a week she will behave totally normal but all these words create a void in my heart. As these rants increase, I lose my trust over my own parents. I know she and I have different opinions about some issues but I never thought that’s what she thinks.

I try to control my tears but I can’t. I slowly step out of my tub and dress up. Now, I need to distract myself. I open my laptop and see a notification in my email. I read and read it again. Apparently, the company liked my work and asked me when I started the internship. I email them stating that I will start the work from next Monday. Today is Thursday and I start packing. I will talk to my father at night and inform him that I will be staying with Aunt Nelly. I don’t care to tell Mom. She will get the news and honestly, I don’t care. I call Aunt Nelly. “Hey Aunty, did I disturb you?”

“Oh don’t say such things Nai. So, how are you? And how is your mother?”

“She is good. Listen, I have to tell you something. I got an internship of six months in your city. Can I stay at your place?”

“Oh Nai! Have I ever refused you? I cannot believe you would ask me my permission to stay. Of course, you can stay. When will you come?”

“I am supposed to start next Monday, so maybe this Saturday. I still need to pack my stuff.”

“Oh great! I will wait for you Nai.”

We talked for fifteen minutes more and then I hung up. After feeling a little relaxed, I decided to pack my clothes and started making a list for all essentials. I have to break this news to Dad which won’t be an issue but I wish to do that soon before my ‘mother’ confronts me.