The Undecided Love

"I DON'T WANT THE COMPANY"

If someone told me my life was going to turn into a big drama, I would have laughed in their faces and waltzed out on them, middle fingers in the air and all that but here I was, thinking about how everything turned out to be like that in a span of two weeks.

My boss had finally opened the bar section of his restaurant, so he had employed more people to work in that section, which I was glad about because I didn’t want to be more burdened at work. I was only going to be working there once a week, so I was satisfied with it.

Apart from that, I had a few conversations with Ovie almost every day. This was because Andrew and Junior had started preparing for school and they planned on staying on hostel grounds, which meant that I wouldn’t be seeing them as often as I used to.

Grey also went back home in the meantime, so it was just us two at home. But we had a rule, whenever Ovie stopped by his dad's bar, we acted like we didn't know each other. I didn't want anyone being on my ass.

I got lonely at night, which ended up with me being emotional and depressed. I started taking walks at night and would get back in late, which was getting the attention of Ovie. Sometimes, I came back drunk and when the morning came, he'd tell me I said a lot of words which he didn't understand but he wasn't going to pry.

“You’ve been distracted Deola, what happened?” Josephine knocked me off my thoughts. We were taking a rest as there weren't customers to serve and I found my mind wandering about and staring at nothing in particular. What happened to me?

“I’m coming with you this night.” Ovie grabbed his hoodie and stepped out of the house with me. It was pretty cold at night in September but I didn’t grab anything to warm myself up. I was planning on drinking alcohol anyway, so I was bound to get hot.

“I don’t think I want the company.” I faced him, gesturing for him to go back inside, but he refused. He grabbed my hands and we headed down the street. It was weird feeling his hold around my wrist, so I pulled away from his grasp and stuck my hands in my pocket.

“I wanted to get food anyway, so it isn’t a bother,” He said without looking at me. "What should we buy?”

At that point, I gave up and just walked with him. I told him I wanted to drink a bottle of alcohol, so we went to the nearest bar around my house. When we got there, he ordered a barbeque and two bottles of vodka and we sat at a table.

“So, where are your parents?” He asked after a while. I had already finished my bottle so I just sat there with my eyes closed. “I didn’t see any pictures of any relatives. It's weird for a young woman to be living with three guys." I knew what he was trying to say, society would look at me and assume I'm a slut because I'm around not even one man, but three men. But was it a choice?

“Dead.”

I opened my eyes to see him looking at me with concern. I hated that, I hated it when people looked at me like I deserved all the pity in the world.

“Why the f**k are you looking at me like that?” I snapped at him. I didn’t mean it though. I was already tipsy and I was getting different emotions at that moment.

“I’m sorry I asked.” He whispered and I felt the friend on my face slowly disappear. I was being a real b***h right now and it wasn’t his fault. It's not his fault my parents died. It's not his fault my grandma died. It's not his fault that I'm in debt. It's not his fault that I want to disappear too.

“No, I’m sorry. I just miss them.” I wiped a tear that was already betraying me before he could see it.

“Are they the only family you’ve got?”

I paused, “Well, my grandma passed a month ago. She lived with us before my parents died and even after they died.” I grabbed a bottle of water and downed it.

He was still staring at me with those deep eyes and, for a second, our eyes locked before I looked away. I stood up and told him that we needed to get back home as I had to work the next day and he agreed. The slight increase in my heart rate was alarming and I wanted to tell myself that it was the alcohol taking effect, not me.

The walk back home was awkward as hell and I just wanted to get back and lay on my bed. I noticed his frequent small glances at me and I didn't know how to make small talk, so I just walked beside him anxiously biting my bottom lip and letting the sounds of the wind blowing the trees make the conversation instead.

After that night, things were less awkward between us and we took more strolls together at night. For a weird reason, I was comfortable around him and could tell him things that I couldn’t even tell the guys. We would spend late nights outside and I wouldn’t even get tired at all, even though I had work or he had school.

Was I starting to like him? Surprisingly, yeah. Was I going to tell him anything? No.

I wasn’t the type to tell a guy my feelings. Also, I didn’t think he would like me. What was I? I was pretty basic in his eyes.

But I wasn’t expecting what happened the night after.

We were out on our stroll that we’ve managed to make a thing and we had eaten outside. I had told him about my ex who I dated for four months before he broke up with me and we were laughing about how I cried a little then hissed and went to buy lots of snacks and binge watched series. We even talked about my music taste, how I can switch from rap to K-pop and other genres. By the time we reached the front of my house, I wasn't expecting he'd pull me back by the arm and connect our lips together.

I was shocked at first, my eyes wide open while I was trying to process the whole thing until I felt his hand on my lower back, pulling me close. I closed my eyes finally and responded to the kiss. It wasn’t soon after that we broke apart for air and I stared at him, wondering why he did it.

“I think I’m starting to like you.” He answered as if he read my mind and I almost fell forward. The only thing that I could think of was why.

“I don’t know either. It just happened. I just like your vibe.” He smiled at me, which made me panic. I liked the kiss, I felt tingly feelings on my skin, but when he proposed me dating him, I freaked out and said I didn't want to date anyone. And the funniest thing, I didn't know what made me tell him that we could have what could be like a friends with benefits thing.

Minus s*x though, so is it a situation-ship thing? Was I that desperate to have him close now that we kissed and my feelings are betraying me?

I couldn't sleep that night, it was hard, especially when the guy you kissed was practically a room away from you and anything could happen. I wanted to kiss him again but I had to control myself so I ended up tossing all night.

Our strolls and kisses continued and I was already getting confused. Most times it became more than innocent kisses, he would grind on me against a wall and leave me wanting more. After work on a Saturday night, I couldn’t get a hold on Andrew and Junior so I went to Grey’s house. It was a pretty bad idea but I needed someone to tell what happened and tell me that I’m treading a path I’m not meant to take.

When I got there, he offered me alcohol and weed and we got pretty high. I was already blabbing about how I think I liked Ovie and how close we’ve gotten.

“There is this girl I like a lot.” Grey suddenly said and I stopped my rambles. I knew Grey wasn’t the relationship type or feelings guy, so I was intrigued by whatever he wanted to say. And if he likes a girl, the days of our back and forth would finally end.

“She’s like you actually; wears black a lot, has dimples when she smiles, always trying to make others happy and putting others first. She’s kind, funny, likes bullying boys and cute.”

“And why do I get the feeling you’re actually talking about me?” I asked him, hoping he would tell me he wasn’t. I fit the description he was talking about but I want him to tell me it ain’t me.

He laughed, “Come on, how could you say that?”

Even as he said that, I wasn’t convinced. But who was I to press him for answers? So I only continued my discussion about Ovie until he grabbed my arm and pulled me closer to his body.

“f**k Dee. Each time I think I get the chance of being with you, you break my heart and tell me you like another guy.” Grey let out in a slur and I looked at him.

“Excuse me?” I let out. I wanted to believe I was hearing things.

“I’ve liked you, in fact, for a long time now. But you don’t always give me the chance to express my feelings to you and I hate that.”

This must be a joke, “Grey you’re still drunk and-”

And that’s when I felt his lips on mine. I attempted to move away but he begged me not to.

So, I kissed him back. Whether it was out of pity or I still felt something for him, I didn’t know.

Somewhere at the back of my mind, it felt like I was betraying Ovie, but I pushed it away. We weren’t dating, so I told myself I wasn’t doing anything wrong.

I spent the night thinking after Grey fell asleep and when the morning came and Grey woke up, he attempted to talk to me but I cut him off, telling him that nothing happened the night before. I told him he should deal with his feelings and I would deal with mine, and I left the house. Lucky enough for me, it was a weekend and I dragged my tired body back to my house.

I had met Ovie at home and he questioned my whereabouts. He said he got worried when I didn’t pick my calls and he didn’t have my friend’s contacts to ask where I was. After battling with my conscience, I told him I was with female friends and just went to my room to sleep.

School had resumed for all the guys, so when Grey moved back in, it was awkward. I was avoiding both Ovie and Grey and I guessed they both knew I was. Luckily for me, I had work to keep me away from them for the day, so my hardship was reduced by a notch.

Junior and Andrew came over before they finally moved to their hostel on campus and apologized for being scarce. I wanted to tell them what happened but it would make matters blow out in different proportions, so I only smiled and wished them luck on a new semester. I also made them promise they’d stop by my workplace once in a while and we’d hang out like we used to and they agreed.

“Deola, are you there? What's going on?" I was brought back to the present again and I shook my head at Josephine. She didn't look like she believed me and was about to ask me again, but I was saved by the presence of a family of 6 wanting to eat, so I excused myself to attend to them.