DENIAL
1624 Words
I held it in, took a deep breath, and reassured myself that I could still pass.
"You haven't read all the questions yet," I told myself.
I began flipping the pages of the question booklet to see if the other questions were any different.
It turns out that that was the second effort I wasted because the other questions were no different.
All my reading and efforts were wasted just because I didn't read correctly.
You are probably wondering what I mean by "read correctly."
It was a wide-range examination. I studied, but not all of it. I had a hard time remembering every word, every formula, every sentence.
I had to re-read and revise every topic slowly and steadily.
"Yeah, I'm a slow learner."
My mum is so confident in me. While I was reading all day, I'm sure she was like, "Oh, my little scholar. She's going to crush that exam tomorrow."
Not knowing that I am still struggling with the easiest parts of all the subjects.
"You have 1 hour left," the examiner said in a harsh but satisfied tone.
I started writing what I guessed could be the answers.
The questions that had options, I wrote the options down on a piece of paper and spun my pen. Any option it landed on, I shaded.
After another 30 minutes, we went on a 10-minute break.
I walked up to the bathroom to wash my face and think.
That was when I heard,
"I was like, 'Oh my God, he said he wanted me, but, you know, I told him to find someone else."
I heard some girls say.
Actually, I heard one girl say it to the others.
They all laughed at her statement and shortly afterward walked into the bathroom.
I felt so uncomfortable.
They walked across the bathroom and talked as if they didn't have an audience.
It looked like they wanted anyone to hear, or maybe I was too irrelevant to be counted as a person.
One of the girls looked at me and whispered something to the other.
When I noticed that I had become the subject, I just walked out.
I walked back to the hall and sat down with my head on my table.
There was no use crying. I had already failed the exam.
"My whole life is over," I muttered to myself.
The exam was my final exam. It permitted me into college.
If I failed, it meant I would have to do double the work to get there again.
It was a huge deal for me—maybe not for others.
College was another chance...
...I had to restart my life, freshly free from mistakes.
After the last 30 minutes, the timer went off, and I was the first to walk out of the hall.
I walked slowly but steadily towards the reception, where my mum was waiting patiently to see her "bright little girl."
I was about to walk into the reception when I felt tears running down my left cheek.
I quickly pulled myself into a nearby room and wiped off the tears, but more came down the other cheek.
I used the hem of my shirt to dry my eyes and face.
I used my phone screen to check if my eyes were red.
They weren't.
With a fake smile, I walked up to my mum, who was smiling at me with compassion and pride.
She was so proud of me.
"Hey!"
"Hey, Mum. Let's go," I said.
"How was it?" my mum asked inquisitively.
I wasn't really ready to tell her my current situation and break her heart.
So I put on a fake smile and said,
"It was fine."
"Everything?"
"Yeah," I lied.
"Awn, I knew you could do it. Now let's get home, and I will make you your favorite food—noodles," my mum said, rubbing my shoulders like I needed comfort.
We took a bus straight home.
When I got home, I walked straight to my room, threw my bag on the floor, and tossed my shoe against the wall.
Before I knew it, I was crying really hard.
I sank my face into the pillow so no one would hear.
No one at that point could understand what I had just done to myself.
I had just managed to destroy my chance of getting into college this year.
Only I knew what the results were going to hold.
I know what you are thinking:
"Why was I so upset?" or "It's not as serious as it sounds."
Getting into college is all I have ever wanted because my high school years were pretty tough for me.
All I wanted was a fresh start.
After memorizing every mistake I made in high school, I wanted to become a new person.
"Getting a good start will be impossible right now," I muttered to myself amidst tears, between my pillows.
But a part of me kept telling me that nothing is impossible.
I just pushed that thought to the back of my mind because that was all I could feel in my soul.
So I wasn't hurt for the rest of the week.
I took a deep breath, cleaned my face, and walked out of my room to distract myself from my thoughts.
I woke up the next day to my buzzing alarm. I just turned it off and went back to sleep.
It was a Friday.
At ten, I finally got out of bed when I couldn't stand my dreams anymore.
I did what I do every free morning.
I headed to the kitchen to check for anything to eat.
I saw the last pack of tea just sitting on the kitchen counter.
I made it and walked back to my room without doing a single chore.
Closing the door behind me, I sank quietly into my handmade cushion. I made it myself because I felt my bed isn't usually suitable for cozy mornings when I feel depressed.
I scrolled through my phone, looking for anything that would take my mind off my thoughts, but nothing grasped my attention.
I tossed my phone on the bed and sank deeper into the cushion.
I wondered how my mum would react when she saw the result email, the disappointment on her face.
"I would give anything not to see that," I thought to myself.
I didn't even study up to half of what I was meant to study for the whole exam, but, man, I really read my brain off!!
I hardly slept; my head constantly ached.
The worst part of it was having to refrain from watching TV.
That was my best thing to do.
Watching movies makes me feel like I am in another world.
I find it easy to relate with characters in a movie.
For a very long time, I've struggled with commitment issues for as long as I can remember.
It just feels like the whole universe is against me whenever I decide to step up.
But for some reason, I was able to pull through these past few months.
I set daily schedules that I tried to follow.
The moment I thought I had just figured it out, I fell back again and again.
Three weeks to my exam, that was when I took a stand.
I knew that this was one of the most important parts of my life.
I didn't know what I'd do to myself if I failed.
I finally managed to stick to my schedules.
It was the best feeling ever.
You know that one thing you had to do that made you feel like the person you wanted to be, or you've lived up to the standards of others?
It was so fulfilling and refreshing.
I felt normal and, most importantly, happy.
I had some sense of satisfaction.
Life couldn't have gotten any better.
"Huh," I sighed deeply.
I turned to my left, and
I saw my schedule book.
I picked it up from my table, and I tore it to shreds.
'Strip, strip, strip.'
I was so upset.
All my efforts wasted for nothing.
"But it's not yet over," I heard a voice say to me.
It wasn't in my head.
I actually heard a voice say that to me.
Immediately, my cup of hot cocoa fell on my lap, spilling all its contents on me and the cushion.
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