Lessons in Love

Chapter 69: The Nightlight

POV: Delta Rick Wallis

I picked myself up off the floor and cleaned myself up. I felt tired and achy. It was an all too familiar feeling these days. The panic attacks were getting harder to push through. They seemed to last longer. I washed my face and cleaned the cuts on my knuckles before heading over to Ben’s suite to collect Emma. She was smiling and excited as she, Riley, and Claire looked over some books about gardening.

“Where’s Ben?” I asked, taking a seat next to Emma.

“He went to meet up with you and Sam.” Riley said, eyeing me suspiciously.

“Oh, I uh …” I rubbed my forehead. “I didn’t stay long. I needed to look some stuff up in my office.” I lied. Riley’s expression told me she’d clocked the lie, but she didn’t call me out. I took Emma home. We had a little bite to eat, watched a movie, and then I tucked her into bed.

“Uncle Rick, do you know the sleepy time song?” She asked.

“I know a couple of lullabies,” I said. “How does the sleepy time song go?” I asked.

She pulled her bear against her chest and curled onto her side. “I don’t know it that well.” She said in a small voice.

“I can sing you one of the ones I know.” I offered.

“It’s okay,” she sighed. It wasn’t, I could easily tell that much, but there wasn’t much I could do.

“I’ll see if I can find the words, and maybe I can learn the sleepy time song for you.” I said. She nodded. I kissed her cheek before turning the light off and going back out to the living room.

I turned the TV on and used my phone to search for the song. I’d need more information from her, I realized, having found six songs and two children’s albums by the name Sleepy Time. I lounged on the couch, half-watching the TV, dozing off intermittently.

A shrill, terrified scream woke me up and had me on my feet. My heart started pounding, and my hand shook slightly as I looked around my darkened living room. I heard it again and realized it wasn’t in my head. It was coming from Emma’s room. I ran to her door and threw it open. She screamed again.

“It’s me, it’s okay.” I said, quickly turning the light on. Emma was sobbing, clutching her bear and an unlit flashlight. I moved to the bed and sat down next to her. I reached for her, but she screamed again and buried her face in her bear. “Emma,” I said quietly, trying to marshal my breathing so I didn’t sound as scared as she was. “You’re okay. You’re safe at my house. Remember?” I reached for her again. This time, she let me touch her shoulder. I scooped her up into my arms and held her as tight as I could. Emma sobbed hysterically.

“Can you tell me what happened?” I asked close to her ear. She didn’t answer. She just kept screaming. I was shaking a little, not that she could tell. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know who to ask for help. I just sat there holding her until she was hiccupping and limp in my arms. As much as I wanted to see her face, I couldn’t seem to get my arms to unwrap from around her.

“Emma,” I whispered. “Did you have a bad dream?” I asked, nervous she’d hear the way my voice shook a little. Emma nodded and burrowed into my chest.

“It was dark.” She sniffled. “I couldn’t tell if the dream was over.” She started to cry again.

“It’s over,” I said gently. “You’re safe.” I was startled to realize I was saying that over and over again more for my own peace of mind than hers. When she stopped crying again, I managed to pull her back from my chest and see her face. The pain in that little girl’s eyes ripped my heart out. I swallowed against the lump in my throat at the sight of her so I could speak again. The look on her face, especially since she had her father’s brown eyes, reminded me of the way John had looked at me when I didn’t save Crista.

“What was the bad dream about?” I managed to ask, not that I needed to. It was likely the same thing I had nightmares about.

“When mommy and daddy died.” Her bottom lip quivered.

I brushed her hair away from her face and kissed her forehead. “Do you want to tell me what happened in the dream?” I asked. I didn’t really want to know. After the revelations Hannah had dropped on me earlier and the overall sense of responsibility I bore for that day, I wasn’t sure I could handle a child telling me I was responsible for the death of her parents. Still, I asked and waited patiently for the answer.

I watched the war on her face unfold. She wasn’t sure she wanted to tell me. Finally, she curled into my arms, snuggling her face into my chest, and whispered. “I heard daddy. When he screamed really loud. That’s when mommy died. Then daddy died.” She cried quietly. My arms involuntarily tightened around her.

“Then … then you covered my face, and I couldn’t see. But I could smell all the blood and the …”

“Shh,” I whispered. I didn’t think I could handle her saying she could smell her dead parents. It was bad enough she'd heard them die. “I know, sweetheart.”

“It was too dark, and my flashlight didn’t work.” She cried. “It worked last night.” My heart squeezed at the admission. She’d had a nightmare last night, and I hadn’t heard her scream. I had gone to bed last night and closed my bedroom door in case I had had a nightmare. I hadn’t wanted her to hear me screaming. I hadn’t even slept much. I’d lain awake the better part of the night fighting off the images of that day.

“I’m sorry, Emma. I didn’t know you had bad dreams like that.” I managed to tell her. When she stopped crying again, I pulled her back from me. “I have something in my room that I think will help you sleep better. Is it okay if I go and get it real quick?” I asked. Emma nodded, and I set her back on the bed.

I went into my bedroom and unplugged the nightlight from the wall. It was large, with a stain glass scrim that depicted a crescent moon and some stars. After George had locked me in the dungeon, I hadn’t been able to sleep in the dark. I had had terrible nightmares that didn’t end when I woke up; not unlike now, I mused. Those dreams had been about the Rogues that lurked in the other cells, how they had taunted me, and if my imagination had been feeling particularly cruel, I had dreamt they’d escaped their cells and were trying to kill me.

Ben had spent the night after a particularly bad beating about three months after his attempted escape. When I woke up screaming, Ben had crawled into my bed next to me. He had said he would sit there all night and make sure no one hurt me. The next day, he’d shown up with the nightlight. It was something his mother had given him, but he had wanted me to have it. I’d kept it plugged into the wall every night for the rest of my life. Honestly, even now, when I woke from a nightmare, the sight of it gave me comfort.

I took it to Emma’s room and plugged it in. “That will stay on all the time, so it will never be so dark in here. And you won’t have to worry about the battery running out. I’m going to turn the light off so you can see how well it works, okay?” I smiled at her. She gave me a tentative nod and flinched when I flipped the switch on the wall, like she had expected the room to tumble into darkness. She breathed a sigh of relief, and I sat next to her on the bed.

Emma stared at the nightlight before looking at me. “But what will you use?” She asked, concern naked on her little face.

I forced a smile to my face. “I’ll be okay.”

She looked so worried and shook her head. “But you have bad dreams too.” She said. “You were growling in your sleep when I came to find you last night.” I hadn’t even heard her open the door to my room. I felt like absolutely horse s**t knowing she’d tried to come to me for help.

“Sometimes,” I admitted. “But no matter what, you can wake me up if you’re scared or hurt or if you have a bad dream. I will always be okay with that.”

Emma nodded. “Uncle Rick, what was your bad dream about?”

“Pretty much the same as yours.” I told her, tucking her back in her bed.

Emma wriggled out of the blankets and sat up. “You saw the bad the wolf that killed mommy and daddy, didn’t you?”

“I … uh,” f**k, I didn’t know how to answer that. “Yes,” I said. “I did.”

“Was it scary?” She asked.

“Yes,” I said without thinking.

“What made it scary for you?” She asked.

“What do you mean?”

“What part was scary? Was he scary to look at? Or were you scared he’d hurt you like he hurt mommy and daddy?” She clarified.

My brain felt foggy, and I didn’t know if I could handle talking about this. “Yeah,” I said, finding it a little hard to breathe. “I was scared he would hurt all the kids.” I said. “I was really scared he’d get past me.” I needed to stop talking. I was going to scare the s**t of her if I kept talking. My hand shook a little, and I gripped the blankets tightly.

“But he didn’t.” She said. “You were scarier than he was.” A little smile blossoming on her face. She lay back down and pulled her bear close to her.

I managed to pull the blankets up around her. I gave her a kiss on her cheek. “I’m going to go to bed now. My bedroom door will be open. If you need anything, you can just yell, and I’ll come running. Okay?” She nodded and snuggled in. I left the room, leaving her door a little bit opened and went to my room. I curled into a ball on the bed, shaking violently.

I needed to get a grip. I needed to be okay for her. I had to calm down. “Ben,” I reached out with a mind-link. “Ben, are you around?”

“Yeah,” he replied, sounding groggy. “What is it?”

“Can you …” I felt tears burning my eyes and clenched all my muscles, willing them not to fall.

“I’m on my way over.” He said firmly.

“No!” I snapped my eyes open. “No, just talk to me.” I begged.

“Okay,” he said gently and launched into the conversation he’d had with Riley after I’d left him at the greenhouse. After that, he talked about some ideas he had for the pack when we found the succession plan, making it more of a conversation to get me talking. He stayed up with me until I fell asleep.