Lessons in Love

Chapter 64: Scars

POV: Beta Ben Westlake

I had slept with people before, but I had never held someone naked in my arms. I was always afraid that they would see all my scars and I’d have to spend the rest of the night explaining them. Or lying about them. Riley had taken her time, feeling them out gently, mostly ignoring them while we had been intimate. Even now, laying in my arms, her hand drifted over my stomach and chest, seemingly without much concern for them. She neither tried to avoid them nor did she fixate on any of them.

The scars were on my mind if I was being honest, but I didn’t want to ruin what we had by bringing my father and his abuse into it. Still, there was something in me that needed to say something. To ask her if she was okay with it. That was really it. I needed to know it didn’t upset her, I thought, or gross her out.

“Whatever it is,” Riley said, bringing me out of my head. “Just say it.” Her hands continued to roam up and down chest.

I gave a chuckle. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to be in my head. I’d much rather be here in the moment with you.” I said, kissing the top of her head and squeezing her tightly. She didn’t say anything to that. She just continued to run her fingers through the hair on my chest.

“Do you …” I started to say and sighed instead. “Do you want to talk about them?” I asked, taking her roaming hand in mine.

Riley lifted her head off my chest, rolling partially on top of me so she could see my face. She looked like she was thinking about how to respond before she finally spoke. “Am I making you uncomfortable? The way I’m touching you?” She asked.

“No, not at all, actually.” I said. “I’ve just never … been naked with anyone before.” I admitted. “I always just left my shirt on and did it from be …” Riley was clearly trying to stifle a giggle, and I felt my face get hot. “Well, that part you probably don’t want to know.” I grumbled, turning my face away from her.

“Ben,” she took her hand from mine and touched my cheek. I looked back at her and saw nothing but affection. “I don’t need to know anything more than you’re comfortable telling me. So, if there’s something you feel I should know about them, or one in particular, then I want you to tell me.”

“You’re … okay with them?” I asked. Goddess, I felt pathetic asking. I shouldn’t have said anything.

“Is that what you’re worried about? That I’m not okay with your body?” She asked, sounding surprised as she clarified.

“I don’t know,” I said, unable to lay there anymore. I rolled her off me and sat up. I felt her anger spike and looked over my shoulder at her. She was staring at my back. Riley got up on her knees and moved toward me on the bed. I stared straight ahead of me at spot on the wall and sat as still as I could as she looked at tapestry of scars. I knew my back looked worse than my chest and stomach did.

“My back was his preferred canvas.” I said out loud, finishing my own thoughts. I felt her rage. I didn’t know how to take her emotions. I knew she was angry at my father. I certainly was every time I looked in a mirror. My muscles were tensing. She wasn’t touching me. She had already felt it, but the sight of what she’d run her hand over was probably too awful for her now.

I did my best to stay calm, and I locked down my emotions as tightly as I could, but I was scared. I was terrified by the fact she hadn’t reached out and touched me. She’d touched me so easily the first time, despite the hideous scar on my wrist and the horrible story that had gone with it. I’d made a mistake, I thought. I should never have taken off my shirt. I clenched my body tighter, trying to hide the fact I was starting to shake.

“Ben,” she whispered. “Tell me what you’re thinking right now.” She said gently. I closed my eyes. I was incapable of talking. I just shook my head, trying to control the steadily increasing shaking of my body. I tried to take a deep breath, but it was hard to exhale it all slowly and smoothly. The air sounded noisy and jittery leaving my body. I squeezed my eyelids tighter as I realized that my heart was pounding, and I was starting to sweat. I rubbed my forehead and felt how badly my hand was shaking.

I felt a hand squeeze the back of my neck every so slightly. I growled viciously and grabbed the arm roughly, standing up as I did. I heard a gasp, and I opened my eyes, pushing my rage and my aura out at them. I immediately let go of Riley. I took a few jilted steps back from her before my back hit the wall.

“I … I …” I didn’t know what had just happened.

“Ben,” she said very calmly. She took a step toward me.

“Don’t!” I snapped. “Please … I …”

“Ben,” she continued toward me. “I need you to feel me.” She said. “Can you do that?” I was shaking so hard I didn’t think my rattling brain would be able to focus on her. I closed my eyes and I tried to focus on her. Her aura was around. I couldn’t understand how I’d missed that. It was heavy, almost crushing me with affection and warmth. She wasn’t angry, but she was scared. I felt so dizzy and tired suddenly. I slid down the wall and sat on the floor with her aura pinning me down.

“I’m sorry.” I managed.

“No,” she whispered, coming over to me and sitting on the floor next to me. “That was my fault, I shouldn’t have touched you.” She said firmly. “I should have let you ride that out.”

“Ride … What?” I looked at her.

Riley’s eyes were round with surprise. “Ben, you just …” she turned her body to face me and grabbed my hand tightly. “Tell me what you remember.” She said.

“I was …” I shifted my shoulders uncomfortably, realizing I was naked. I got up and grabbed my shirt and underwear. “I was embarrassed.” I said, pulling my shirt on first. “You were right, I was worried you’d be uncomfortable with how my body looked. When I sat up and you saw my back, I felt your anger.” I said turning to look at her, still sitting naked on the floor.

“I knew it was directed at my father, but you – I’m not blaming you for anything, it’s just when you didn’t touch me, I …” I sat on the bed and stared at her. “I thought, I don’t know, that it was freaking you out and that …”

“And that freaked you out.” She finished for me. “Ben, I’m so sorry. That wasn’t my intention, I could feel how uncomfortable you were. You started shaking and I thought you didn’t want me to.” She got up. She came to me and wrapped her arms around me tightly. She kissed my temple. She held me like that for a few minutes before she spoke again.

“When I touched the back of your neck,” she said softly.

I dropped my hands to her waist and pushed her gently back from me. “There’s no excuse for that.” I said, looking up at her face.

Riley ran her hands through my hair and held my face in hands. “I touched you there because it was the only spot that didn’t have a scar on it.” She said. “It didn’t occur to me until you reacted that you had told me before not to touch you there. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make the situation harder for you.”

“You don’t …”

“I do have to apologize.” She said firmly. “I hurt you.”

“You didn’t hurt me, Riley, you … he’s done that to me my whole life. It scares me because I know what’s coming next.”

“Can you forgive me?” She asked.

She couldn’t be serious, I thought. She didn’t do anything wrong. I looked at her in amazement. “Of course, but there’s nothing to forgive. You were only trying to help.”

Riley grinned at me. “And you were only reacting to a lifelong trauma. So, I’ll forgive you too.” Her grin stretching into a full blown smiled. I opened my mouth to contradict her, but she kissed me before I could.

Her hands drifted down to the open collar of my shirt, and she pulled it back away from shoulders. She broke away from my mouth, kissing down my neck, and landing on my mate spot. I leaned my head away from her giving her all the access to my neck she wanted. Riley climbed onto the bed next to me, licking and kissing that spot. She moved around behind me and pulled my shirt down, exposing my back.

“Maybe we …” I started to tell her we should forget about it for tonight. I didn’t want a repeat of my drama, but she sucked hard on my mate spot and my brain turned to mush. Her warm, naked body pressed against my mangled back, and the relief and comfortable I felt was unimaginable. She didn’t even flex her aura, just the feel of her skin on mine was enough.

She moved away from my mate spot and kissed my shoulder. “Tell me to stop if I’m making you uncomfortable.” She whispered and started kissing across my back. I tensed instinctively. “Tell me.” She breathed against my skin.

“I’m okay,” I breathed the words back and she continued to kiss my back. Overwhelmed was the only way I could think to describe how I felt as she kissed my scars. It felt, in a way, like she was taking the pain from them away, healing the hurt I’d endured. Tears started to sting my eyes and I wasn’t sure at first why I was so emotional about it. Maybe it was because I had lived in fear for so long that I didn’t understand living without it. I felt a future in each kiss that was free of pain and fear and full of love and compassion.

“Riley,” I managed to get her name out without my voice shaking.

“Yes,” she whispered against my skin.

“Stop a second,” I whispered. She did immediately but kept her hand on my back. I turned to face her, not caring that I had tears in my eyes. I needed to tell her. I reached for her face, touching her cheek. “I love you.” I said, unable to contain the tears. She leaned forward and kissed me hard. I rolled onto the bed, and we touched each other all over again.