Lessons in Love

Chapter 73: A Pass

POV: Delta Rick Wallis

Unsurprisingly, I was awake when my alarm went off. I managed some sleep, but Hannah’s words were still ringing in my ears. I got out of bed, showered, and dressed for the day. I got Emma up and to school. Katherine had offered to take Emma to Sarah’s after class with some of the other children she walked over there after school each day. I walked through the village, past Ben’s parents’ vacant house, then Henry’s.

I wished Henry had said something to me sooner. He’d also thought I was disaster area, I thought, remembering how he’d accused me of dumping Emma at Sarah’s after her parents died. I tried to push the thoughts out of my head and wandered down the main street. The lights at the greenhouse flickered on. I went around to the back door and found it unlocked. I went in quietly to find Hannah’s brother coming out of the office.

“Great Goddess!” He jumped when he saw me.

“I’m sorry, Steve.” I said quickly.

“What the hell do you want?” He growled at me.

“I saw the lights on and wanted to make sure no one was breaking in. I didn’t mean to intrude or startle you.”

He took a steadying breath and glared at me. “Just as well,” he grumbled. “I was in here gathering some stuff to bring to the packhouse.” He held out a stack of papers. I had to admit I mistrusted the man knowing what Hannah had left in my office. I swallowed discreetly and took the stack from him.

“It’s the financials for the greenhouse. The value of it and the land.”

“Steve, we don’t need this information.” I said, confused by the gesture.

“Already done your own assessment then?” He practically growled at me.

“What? No, why would we do that?”

“Everything we own is forfeit once you turn Hannah out.” He glared at me.

“We’re not turning Hannah out.” I walked further into the room and rested the stack of papers on the workbench. “Look, Hannah’s actions were … wrong, misguided. We’ve locked her up for her attempt on my life, but no one is even talking about making her a Rogue. Neither Beta Ben nor I believe that’s the right course of action. For anyone. She’s being held in the dungeon, uncuffed, and we’re making sure she’s fed properly. As far as being a prisoner goes, she’s being well looked after.” I assured him.

“Your lands and business are still yours. It all still belongs to your family.” I added, tapping the stack of papers. I moved back toward the door and was about to leave. I looked at my hand on the door handle and just couldn’t walk out of there. “Steve,” I said, turning back around. “I’m sorry about Connor and Danny. I know that’s cold comfort and four months too late, but I am truly sorry for your loss.”

Steve stared at me, like he was sizing up my apology. There was an awkward silence after I said it.

“I don’t know that I want to have that conversation.” He said.

“I don’t know that I can,” I admitted quietly.

He didn’t say anything to that. I tried to wait it out, but the silence ate at me. “I should probably get back.” I offered a weak smile and turned my back on him. I was at the door quickly and started to push it open.

“I blamed you.” He said, stopping me. I was afraid to turn around, but I did, slowly. “Danny was a warrior, a soldier. Soldiers die. But Connor was just a kid.” He growled. “My kid.” He paused until I made eye contact. I squared my shoulders a little, preparing to get shredded by whatever came out of his mouth next.

“My son’s body was brutalized. His face …” Steve clamped his mouth shut and shook his head. I didn’t move, or couldn’t, I wasn’t sure. “He wanted so badly to be like you, like the other officers and warriors. I know he followed you willingly, but you let him. You let him be in that gym.” Steve raised his voice at me. “You let him die.” He growled.

“Steve, I …” I had no idea what to say. “You’re right.” I managed somehow to maintain eye contact. I couldn’t disrespect this man or his son by looking away. I had to own this.

Steve looked away and shook his head. “I’m not ready to forgive you. I’m not ready to contemplate it.” He said with a growl.

“I don’t expect …”

“But,” he interrupted me. “You showed up at his funeral. To all the funerals for the students. Seven straight days in a row, I watched you and Ben. I watched how you just stood there, saying little or nothing to the parents. Offering pathetic, meaningless apologies to parents day after day.

“Then came the morning of John and Crista’s funeral. You got up to speak, and I saw your hand shaking. I saw the way you rubbed your forehead and how your voice was a little unsteady as you gave the eulogy. I saw it then.” He said. “I had lost one child, but you had lost seven, and on the eighth day, you had to bury two of your friends.” He said with a bit less venom.

“You went to each funeral, and you saw it. You watched those kids dying all over again at each of their services, didn’t you?” I was barely breathing. My body was rigid, and I practically had to grind my teeth to keep from shaking. There was no way I could open my mouth. I had no idea what would come out. I gave him a small nod.

“When I found out yesterday that Hannah had tried to kill you, I started to understand a little how you might have felt at those funerals.” He looked down. “My mate and I were inconsolable after Connor died. Hannah took care of us. She saw us at our worst and heard the things we said.” Steve finally looked back up at me. “I need to blame you somedays, so the loss makes sense. And I don’t forgive you for my son’s death.” He said firmly. “But I’ll understand if you need to blame me for Hannah’s actions somedays and if you can’t forgive the things I said to her.”

I swallowed again, my heart pounding in my chest. “Thank you.” I managed. I turned abruptly and left immediately. My chest was tight, and it was getting hard to breathe. I ran to the packhouse, ducking in the side door near the kitchen and into the dining room. Our guests were finishing up breakfast with Ben.

“Hey, you want some breakfast, or have you eaten already?” Ben smiled up at me.

I saw his concern register as I briefly made eye contact. “I’m good.” I said and rushed out of the room. I was coming apart at the seams. I needed a place to hide and ride this out. Ben’s hand grabbed my arm and dragged me into the bathroom in the hallway. He locked the door as I stumbled inside.

I gripped the counter and doubled over. “I’m okay …” I panted. “I just … grrrrr … need a minute.” I sank to the floor, wrapping my arms around myself and pressing my forehead on the cool tile.

Ben’s footsteps echoed in the room as he moved toward me. I heard him sit next to me and felt his hand gently rest on my back. That’s when the tears started. Goddess, I hated this part. I shook violently, the racking sobs choked to their quietest volume to not draw attention. Ben said nothing. He just sat there and let me cry.

“Tell me how to help?” Ben’s voice was low. I shook my head. I didn’t know. It usually just ended when it ended. His hand started drifting up and down my back. Ben started talking about the conversation at breakfast. His voice was quiet. The rhythmic motion of his hand across my back gave me a tempo to mirror my breathing to. I didn’t really hear what he was saying, but his voice drowned out the horrendous sound of my sobs.

My breathing evened out, but I was still crying. I rolled off my knees onto my side, with back to Ben. I wasn’t ready to look at him; for him to look at me. Ben put his hand on my bicep and squeezed gently. It made me cry harder. There was more comfort to it than I had expected. I stopped crying a moment or two later but continued to lay on the floor. I wasn’t ready to face myself yet. One of the worst parts of this was looking at my face, splotchy and red, in the mirror after it was all over. Worse this time because Ben was here.

“Take your time.” He said, squeezing my arm again. I drew in a deep breath and exhaled it slowly several times before I sat up. I moved closer to the wall and sat with my back against it. I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see Ben’s reaction yet. He moved and sat next to me. His shoulder brushed against mine, but he’d fallen silent.

“Talk to me.” I said hoarsely.

“Rick, I think maybe you should talk to me.” He said gently. I blew out a long breath. “I could sit here and talk to you all day, but that’s only going distract you from what brought the attack on, not work through it.” I looked at his profile. He wasn’t staring at me. He was looking across the room, and I refocused my gaze on my lap.

“Tell me what sparked it.” He said gently.

“Hannah’s brother.” I said softly. Ben’s growl wasn’t audible, but I felt it vibrating through his body. “It’s okay,” I shook my head. “His son died on my watch.”

“His sister tried to f*****g kill you.” Ben’s growl laced his words.

I told him what Steve had said. “It wasn’t a bad conversation; it was just a hard one.” I said miserably. “Everything he said was fair.” I added with a sigh. I hoisted myself up off the floor and turned the water on. I grabbed some paper towel and blew my nose before splashing water over my face.

Ben stayed seated on the floor. “It was a forgiveness, in a way.” He said simply. “What Steve said to you.”

I dried my face. “It was a pass, not forgiveness.” I said, throwing the paper towel away and holding my hand out to him to help him up.

He took my hand and stood. “Call it what you want, but you should really take the positive to heart.”

“Come on,” I gave him a sheepish smile. “We’ve got work to do.”