Lessons in Love

Chapter 61: Fresh Start

POV: Delta Rick Wallis

Once the meeting was over, I walked to Sarah’s Place. With Henry in the wind and me having to have stayed in the hospital for a couple of days, Emma had been orphaned again. Riley and Ben had seemed to understand and had taken her in for the couple of days, but Ben didn’t have space for her. Certainly not now that he would be sleeping in his own bed instead of at the hospital with me. Emma had been sharing a bed with Riley for the last two nights, and I could tell that Ben had no intention of letting a 5-year-old end up in his bed with him and Riley tonight.

Emma had been at Sarah’s Place all day, playing with her friends, during the pack meeting. As it wound down, though, I started to worry about where she’d end up next. I didn’t want to leave her at Sarah’s. With everything that had been going on with her, it didn’t feel right. I was her godfather. I should be the one taking her in, but I didn’t know the first thing about raising a kid. Worse, I wasn’t exactly in the best place. I relived her parents’ death almost nightly as it was. What would having her living with me do to me?

I let myself in and found Sarah sitting in the common area while the kids watched a movie. Emma was sitting on a little plastic chair, hugging her bear. She looked sad, like she wasn’t paying attention to the movie that all the other kids were laughing at. Sarah saw me and quietly got up to join me in the hallway.

“How is she?” I asked, scratching the beard I had yet to shave off.

“Rick, she’s not doing well.” Sarah said honestly. “She sat alone all day. She drew a picture of her and her bear, and when I asked her about it, she said Snuggles was the only one who loved her.”

I looked back at Emma. She was clinging to that bear so tightly that I thought it’s stuffing might explode. “I don’t know what to do.” I said, staring at Emma.

“I know what you’re thinking, and as her godfather, you can take her out of here right now if you want to.” Sarah said gently, drawing my attention back to her. “If she stays here, she’ll be upset, but you can visit her every day and still make her feel loved. If she goes home with you, you’ll have to change your whole life to provide the stability she needs right now. With your schedule and your responsibilities, I doubt that will be an easy task.” She said. I knew Sarah was just trying to be honest, but I felt like she was judging me as a failure before I’d even had the chance to try. I looked back at Emma. All the kids were laughing again, everyone but her.

“Rick,” Sarah said seriously. “Someone tried to kill you this week.”

“That someone was the man she was living with earlier this week.” I said through my teeth, turning an angry glare at Sarah. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “Can you tell her I’m here? Is there somewhere she and I can go to talk?” I said calmly.

Sarah pointed down the hallway. “Third door on the left.” She said. I walked down the hallway to the door she’d instructed me to go to. The plate on the door said ‘Visitors’. I cursed inwardly and went in. I wouldn’t be able to visit whenever I wanted to see her if Emma stayed here. Sarah had been right about my schedule. It was flexible and changed often. I might not be able to come when these sterile little rooms were available.

The door opened, and Sarah came in with Emma. Emma saw me and immediately lit up. “Uncle Rick!” She exclaimed. She ran over to me with her arms open.

I scooped her up and sat her on my lap. “Hey squirt!” I smiled at her. I heard the door close and looked up to find Sarah was still standing in the room with us.

“Can you give us a minute, please?” I asked. Sarah gave me a stern look, and I wasn’t sure how to read it.

“I think it’s best that I stay.” She said firmly. Emma curled into me at Sarah’s demeanor.

“Are you here because of something bad?” Emma a whispered.

“No,” I said, giving her a tight hug. “Ms. Sarah is just worried about you. She said you were sad today.” Emma wrapped her arms around my neck and nodded. “What’s making you sad?”

“Uncle Henry ran away, and I don’t have a house anymore.” She said into my neck.

“Hey,” I tried to pull her off me so I could look at her, but her little arms closed around me tighter. “Emma, I need you to look at me. I’m not going to let go of you, okay?” She let out a sigh and nodded. She relinquished her death grip on me and settled in my lap.

“I want to talk to you about something, and you need to listen carefully.” She looked up at me with those big brown eyes, just like her father’s, and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t tell her she had to stay here. She pulled the bear close to her chest and squeezed him tightly, like she was waiting for some horrible news.

“What do you think of this beard?” I said, rubbing my chin on her head. She squealed and giggled. The sound made my heart ache less.

“It tickles.” She giggled. I heard Sarah sigh from the door, where she was standing guard. “I think you should keep it.”

“You do?” I asked. She nodded happily. I smiled at her. “Well, then I guess the beard stays.”

She sobered up a little and looked at me. It was as if she knew the beard had been a distraction. “Uncle Rick, where am I going to stay?”

“Where do you want to stay?” I asked.

“Emma,” Sarah started.

“Emma,” I cut her off. “You can stay here at Sarah’s Place with your friends if you want. You know Ms. Sarah takes good care of everyone, and she won’t run away. She’ll always be here for you if you need something.” I explained. Emma nodded, but I saw the tears forming in her eyes.

“You can do crafts, play games, and we have that library you love so much.” Sarah added in sweetly, coming over to where I was sitting and crouching down, so she was on Emma’s level. “Doesn’t that sound like fun?” Sarah said, putting a reassuring hand on Emma’s shoulder. Emma nodded, but she leaned into me, away from Sarah.

“Or you can stay with me at the packhouse.” I said, in the same tone of voice as I had described Sarah’s Place. Emma perked up immediately. “But it won’t be like the sleepover we just had all the time. I’m the Delta, so I have a lot of work to do. You’d have to come to Sarah’s Place after school every day, and sometimes you might have to stay here for the night because I have patrols.” I looked at Sarah, and she seemed good and pissed with me.

“I don’t know how to make crafts, I don’t have any games at my place, but I do have a library.” I added. “You don’t have to choose right this second. You can stay here tonight and think about it, and I’ll come back in the morning, and you can tell me then if you want.” At that point, I felt I was rambling out of nervousness. The idea that she might not choose to live with me was suddenly terrifying. I looked back at Sarah. In the time it had taken me to spit all that out, something had changed for her, and she didn’t look angry anymore.

The silence was killing me. Emma was holding her bear in her lap, staring into its glassy eyes like she was mind-linking with it to ask for its opinion. It was probably only seconds, but it felt like days of endless silence. Emma finally looked up at me, and I saw nothing but questions in her face.

“How come I didn’t live with you when mommy and daddy died?” She asked in the smallest, saddest little voice.

“Because I was scared.” I said honestly, my voice sounding more emotional than I was comfortable with.

“Of me?” Emma looked horrified at the prospect.

“No,” I smiled at her. “No, I was scared because of the war. A lot of scary things happened to me, and I was really sad after your mommy and daddy died. I still am sometimes when I think about them not being here anymore.” Her eyes were welling with tears. So were mine. I didn’t dare look at Sarah for fear the sympathy she had had for me would be gone. “I was scared that my being so sad would make you feel worse.” I blinked a few times to push back the tears.

“Are you sad right now?” She asked, reading me like a book.

“No,” I said with a shake of my head. “I’m scared right now.”

“Why?” She asked.

“Because I want you to be safe and happy. And I don’t know what the right things are to make you safe and happy.” I tried to smile.

“Is it cause you think I like crafting and games and won’t want to live with you?”

Well, f**k. “A little, yeah.” I told her honestly.

“But you said I’d have to come here after school, so I’d still get to craft and play with my friends if I lived with you.” She said seriously.

“That’s true.” I said, and she got quiet again. Neither Sarah nor I said anything, we just let her think, but no amount of time was going to prepare me for her next question.

“Will you run away?” She asked.

I couldn’t breathe. I pulled Emma into a tight hug and closed my eyes. “No,” I said firmly. “No, I will never run away. Not from you. Not ever.” Emma started to cry into my shirt, and I was terrified to ask why. In truth, if I opened my mouth at that point, I would have started crying too.

“Do you promise?” She sobbed.

“I promise.” I whispered close to her ear. She quieted down after that, pulling back from me and wiping her nose with the back of her hand as she sniffled. I wiped her tears with my thumb and smiled at her. “I promise.” I said, now that she was looking at me. She hopped out of my lap and threw her arms around Sarah. My heart stopped and I thought for sure she had just made her choice.

“See you later, Ms. Sarah!” She said happily and headed for the door. I was so shell shocked I was still sitting the couch trying to remind my heart to keep working as Emma left the room.