Lessons in Love

Chapter 55: The Wolf Inside

POV: Delta Rick Wallis

I sat on a hard floor, hugging my knees with my face buried in them. I was terrified and shaking in the dark. It was pitch black, wherever I was. The smell of blood was thick in the air, and I was afraid to let my eyes adjust to the dark and look around. I knew what I would see. I knew who I would see. The lights all came on at once, and I closed my eyes tightly. I pulled my hands over my head, gripping my hair tightly, begging myself not to look. I heard claws on the floor walking toward me. The smell of blood faded, and I caught the scent of smoke, like from a bonfire, in the air. I shook my head, still unwilling to open my eyes. I knew where I was. I knew I was in the gym. I couldn’t look, even if the blood didn’t smell anymore, I knew the place was covered in it wall to wall.

The claws stopped echoing off the floors and walls. The wolf had stopped in front of me. I could feel it’s breath on my hands and the top of my head. I felt the underside of its jaw rest on top of my hands gently. I shook my head again. I wouldn’t look at the wolf. I couldn’t look up. I knew what I’d see. The smell of smoke was thick in the air, and a part of me wondered if this Goddess-forsaken gym was burning down around me.

“You are safe.” I heard a voice. It was in my head, like a mind-link only stronger. It was almost as if it had originated in my own head. The wolf nuzzled me, rubbing the side of his face against my hair and arm. “We are safe.” The voice said again.

“Please,” I begged. “I can’t be here.” I whispered.

“You don’t know where you are.” The voice said.

My breathing started to get heavier, and I curled in on myself, clenching my muscles tighter and tighter. “Yes,” I whispered. “I know, please.” I started to cry.

“Look at me.” The voice said. I shook my head as my breathing got ragged. “Please.”

I was sobbing, gasping for air. I couldn’t look, I couldn’t see it again. Not again. Goddess, please help me, I prayed silently. I felt the wolf nuzzle me again. It pushed on my shoulder, making me lie down on the floor. The floor was cold tile, not hard wood as I expected. The wolf lay down next to me, curling up against me.

“Bury your face in my fur then.” He said gently. I reached out blindly and felt the soft fur under my fingertips and did as he asked.

“Make it stop.” I begged. “Make it all stop, please.” I sobbed into his fur.

“It will stop.” He whispered. “Just not today.”

“Please … I don’t want to do this anymore. Please.”

“You have to fight through this.” He said quietly but firmly. “I promise, we will find a way through if you come with me right now. You don’t have to look, but you do have to get up.”

His words were sobering, and I found it easier to breathe suddenly. I kept a hand on the wolf and sat up, keeping my eyes tightly shut. I felt him sit up under my hand.

“You have to get up.” He said more firmly. “We need to leave here.”

“How …”

“Hold on to me. Stay with me. Trust me again.” His voice was sad, and a part of me wanted to look at him. I got to my feet and felt him stand as well. He moved slowly, letting me get my bearings as he led me around. My foot slid in something, and I froze.

“What was that?” I asked, hearing the absolute terror in my own voice.

“Stay with me.” He growled a little. The sound of it was so familiar, but in my panic, I couldn’t place it. I did as he asked. He continued to lead me around until I felt a cool breeze on my face.

“Is it safe?” I whispered.

“You are always safe with me.” He said.

I slowly opened my eyes. I was on the ridge by the cave overlooking Sapphire Lake. The sun was coming up. The colors were vibrant, almost too vibrant, and I questioned if what I was looking at was real. I turned my gaze to the wolf standing next to me. His head was down, so I couldn’t see his eyes. He was a dark grey wolf with tendrils of smoke rising off his back and dissipating on the breeze. I took a half step back and knelt in front of him. I took his massive head in my hands and forced him to look at me.

My chest felt sore as I stared into his green eyes and recognized the wolf. “Smokey.” I said in awe. “How is …” I stopped and backed away from him. My eyes returned to the pristine sunrise. Smokey was my wolf. I had named him the night Ben and I camped out up here when he’d run away. I had named mine Smokey. Ben had chosen Ash. Smokey’s eyes were a perfect reflection of my own. If I could speak to him, I was dead. He had led me here to say goodbye. I felt tears in my eyes again, but this time, it was pure grief. He was about to leave me, and I was about to leave everyone I loved. The Goddess would send him to someone new, and I … I didn’t know what would happen to me.

“Smokey, I …” I shook my head. “I’m not ready.” I whispered.

“For what?”

“To die.” I looked back at him.

“You aren’t dead.” He said gently. “Ash won’t allow it.”

I remembered where I had been last. I had been in the office, I’d found the photos, and I had started drinking. I hadn’t even cared enough to look at what I had grabbed. Ben would be suffering through the smell of his father’s whiskey as he fought to save my worthless life.

Smokey growled at me. I looked down at him and saw him bare his teeth at me. “Your life, our life, is not worthless!”

“I didn’t know you could hear that.” I said apologetically.

“I hear everything. I feel everything.” He said. His tone was angry, but his eyes were sad. I looked down at him again. He looked down at the ground in front of him.

I knelt in front of him. I reached under his chin, bringing his eyes up to mine. “Do I hurt you?” I asked gently.

“Sometimes,” he admitted.

“Smokey, I’m … I’m so sorry.” I tried not to cry again as I ran my hands through his fur. “Tell me what to do. Tell me how to fix this.”

“You can’t.” He said, his eyes as tearful as mine felt. “Not until you forgive yourself.”

“You were there.” I whispered. “How do I forgive myself for letting them all die?” I asked, my tears no longer containable.

“You have to find away.” He said firmly, urgently. “Ash, Grenade, the rabbit, they all need you.”

I furrowed my brow. “I don’t understand,” I said.

“You won’t be able to catch the rabbit if you don’t forgive yourself.” He said, looking around like we were about to be attacked. His nervous energy was building around us like a charge.

“Smokey, I don’t know how.”

“You do,” he said firmly. “You do know. You know you have to.” He said. With that, he turned tail and ran into the woods.

“Smokey, wait!” I called after him, running in the direction he was headed. I felt an electric surge flow through my body, and it hurt. “What the …”

I blinked, and the ridge was gone. There was a steady beeping noise and firm grip on my wrist. “Fuck.” I finished the sentence. My voice sounded completely different, groggy and scratchy. The grip on my wrist twitched, and I looked down to see Ben’s hand firmly around my arm. His head was on the mattress next to me. He seemed fast asleep. I looked past him and saw Riley sleeping on another bed, holding Emma.

“Welcome back,” Sam’s voice whispered, and I looked to my left. Sam was standing up from the couch where Katherine and Claire were all sitting quietly. I opened my mouth to speak and closed it again. They were all here. I turned my face away from him. His hand gripped my shoulder. “It’s okay,” he whispered. “You’re okay.” I nodded, trying to swallow the lump in my throat.

Sam and Katherine left a little while after I woke up. Both hugged me before leaving. Ben was still asleep, but his grip on my wrist was constant. If I moved my hand, his gripped tightened momentarily. Claire seemed to understand I wasn’t feeling to talk and kept to her needlepoint, but she did look up at me every now and then to smile. It made me realize how much I missed my mother.

Riley woke up a while later and untangled herself from Emma. She sat on my bed to my right. “How are you feeling?” She asked.

“Lousy,” I admitted.

Riley smiled. “We told Emma you had a stomachache. She demanded the doctor bring you flat ginger ale.”

I smiled at that. “Why is she here?”

Riley’s smile faded. “Henry attacked me.” She said solemnly. “Helping George escape.”

“Riley, I’m so sorry.” I said, shaking my head. “I was supposed to …”

“We were all late this morning.” She interrupted. “We both overslept, not that I think he slept much at all.” She mused, looking at Ben. “He refused to take the bed.” She said quietly staring at him lovingly. “He hasn’t moved from that spot since he got here this morning.”

“What time is it?”

“Almost midnight. You were out a long time.” She gave me a weak smile that let me know I had worried everyone.

“I haven’t slept much lately.” I muttered, picking at the fluff on the blanket.

“Do you want to talk about what happened this morning?” She asked.

I sighed heavily and looked at Ben. I shook my head. “I’d prefer to talk with Ben about it. I owe him that much.”

“Do you have any questions?” She asked.

"What the hell was in that bottle?"