The Theory of Moving On

Second stage - Grief again, still

Nathan was wrong. His aunt nagged at him until they were both blue in the face. His only prayer is that they have not found that video of him in the bar.

“Don’t you ever do that again!” his aunt must have thought he’d gone deaf. “I almost called the police to look for you.”

“Tita, I’m sorry,” he said. “It won’t happen again.”

He went to work that day. He still hasn’t formed a plan what he’d do now. He’s planning to review by himself for the next board exam. He had at least a year to prepare.

At lunch break, he plopped down in one of the benches and stared at his phone. Annie hasn’t texted again. Maybe she’s busy with work. He thought of calling her. The other line was ringing when Dino nudged him.

“Break is almost over, pare,” Dino was carrying an armload of dishes. “Maybe you could skip that 5-minute break. We’ve lots of customers.”

The other line was still ringing. “Hoy, ano ba??” Dino urged. “Come now!”

“Hello?”

Johnny was startled to hear her voice after many days. He dropped the call suddenly. “Yeah dude, I’m coming.” He put his phone away.

They have been officially over for three months. Johnny couldn’t understand why Annie still texts him, and sometimes asks for favors. Once, they spent a whole night texting each other. Annie had told him how much she is growing as a person. Apparently, she is enjoying her work, meeting new people, learning so much. They both graduated from the same university in the province. When you grew up and spent all your life there, it would be exciting to go to a city like this and experience new things. He understood that. It hurt him that he is no longer in Annie’s life to share this happiness.

We can still be friends. She said.

Friends? He couldn’t understand how that would be possible. She was part of his dreams. They’ve made many plans when they were still in the university. The career they would pursue, the family they would build.

He turned from his bed and got up. It was one o’ clock in the morning. He was exhausted from work but he couldn’t sleep. That hollow in his chest is still aching. He may not show it. In fact, nobody could tell. But in the dead of an hour like this, he felt like crying his heart out. He felt like begging Annie to be back in his life.

“Johnny,” his Uncle Ned called him one day. He was sitting in the verandah, having a beer. “Aren’t you going to enroll in that review center for your board exam?”

“The exam is still a few months away, Uncle,” he answered. “I can still work to earn for the review fee.”

His uncle looked at him over his beer. “You know your Aunt Remy and I will help you. You don’t have to worry too much about it.”

“I know, Uncle,” Johnny smiled briefly. “Thank you. But I also want to help Inang and Tatang. They spent so much for my education.”

His uncle waved his hand as he spoke. “Of course, of course,” he said. “You’re a good kid. Anyway, I thought you had a girlfriend? What was her name? Alma? Amy?”

“It’s Annie,” he felt his heart wrenching as he uttered her name out loud. He hasn’t said her name for a long time. “We broke up.”

“Eh?” his uncle was surprised. He chuckled. “That’s okay. You’ll find more girls when you become a licensed engineer.”

After talking for a while, he excused himself. He couldn’t bear to talk about Annie or other girls. For him, there are no other girls. It’s Annie or bust.

He thought of his parents. Telling them he failed the board exam was painful. His mother cried. What do we do now? What would you do? She asked.

What indeed? He didn’t know what was worse. Failing the exam and losing Annie, or both. Maybe both. In the words of the wise King Solomon, he screwed up double. Or was it King Solomon?

He told his parents not to worry. He promised he’d make a way, he would retake the exam and do or die, he’ll pass it. His parents sold their two buffaloes and pawned their small farm just so he could pay for that review center. He can’t fail them for the second time.

Annie is still texting him. Asking him about his day, telling him what she did the whole day. He felt like a total i***t. Talking with her was addictive. It was also stupid. And painful. He knew he ought to stop texting her but he couldn’t.

Tonight, he was going to ask Annie for a second chance. He knew she still loved him. They were together for four years. Surely, Annie would still have feelings for him.

Their conversation went like this:

Do you remember that day we watched the battle of the bands at the school grounds? It was the first time I kissed you.

Hehehe. I remember that day. Jona was so jealous.

I never loved Jona. I only loved you.

She didn’t reply for a few moments. He took his chances.

I still love you Annie. Please come back to me.

Still no response. And then ---

I’m so confused right now. I’ll have to think about it.

Johnny wasn’t discouraged. He knew Annie will eventually say yes. He went to sleep happy that night.

Jimmy picked him up from work after three days. He and Nathan agreed to go with him to the review center to inquire about the schedule.

His happiness was plastered all over his face. This morning, Annie texted him first. He felt like a high school girl being excited to receive a simple text. Annie was only greeting him a good morning. It felt like heaven.

“What’s that foolish grin on your face?” Nathan asked curiously.

“Yea, you’ve been grinning like an i***t,” Jimmy seconded. “You met someone?”

“Shut up and drive, pare. We’ll be late.” He laughed as he said this. But they were right, he was grinning like an i***t.

He couldn’t wait for his shift to be over. He was excited to text Annie. He asked her about her day, he told him that he went to inquire at the review center. He told him he was inspired to pursue his dreams because of her.

Then, he saw it.

He opened his f*******: account and he saw Anne’s pictures. She was with another guy, and the guy’s arms were around her shoulders, around her waist, holding her hand.

He had never felt distraught as he did that moment. He didn’t know what was worse – seeing Annie’s happy face or the fact that she played him. It might be both.

Wait, he thought. The guy might just be a friend. He realized he would give her the benefit of the doubt.

And so he decided to ask her.

“Yes?” Annie’s voice was guarded. “What’s up?”

He realized his mouth was dry. “H-hey, Annie. How’re you?”

“Fine,” she replied. “I’m good. What about you?”

Screw it, he thought. “Hey, I was wondering if you’ve made up your mind already.”

She was silent before answering. “About what?”

“The question I asked you before.”

The silence between them was intense. It made him sweat like a chicken in a turbo machine. He was starting to think that this might be a mistake.

“Johnny,” she finally said. “What we had was wonderful. You were an amazing boyfriend.”

“Okay…”

“And what I am today, you will always be a part of it.”

“Okay…. Then?”

“But…we can never become what we were before. Not anymore.”

“What do you mean?” his mouth tasted like bile. This is not good.

“I can’t be with you anymore.”

“Is it because of that guy you went on a vacation with?”

“Just stop it, Johnny.”

And he did something he wouldn’t imagine doing to her. He called her names. He swore at her. He told her to go to the bowels of hell and rot forever. No guy has ever been as angry as he felt that moment. For what exact reason, he couldn’t tell.

Johnny thought he’d feel better after ranting. But he only felt worse, he wanted to just disappear and leave everything. He didn’t care.

Ten minutes before closing time, he left the restaurant. He told Dino to just finish up. He needed to get away. He needed a drink. No, not just a drink, a barrel of drinks perhaps.

He stopped counting the bottles when he finished four. He just wanted to forget. He was swaying as he tried to walk to a taxi stop. He vaguely remembered having a wallet and a phone, but he couldn’t find them. He thought he saw them in front of him, but the phone and the wallet kept running away from him. He tried to catch one of them.

Oh, he thought. That was my foot. I thought it was my wallet. He chuckled. And then he thought of her again.

He sobbed as he thought of their memories. The day they met, the day he proposed to her, the day she said yes. All gone.

You’re being corny. Said a little voice at the back of his head.

“Shut up!” he shouted to no one in particular. “This…is my…heart.” He wiped his drool. “And it’s…never gonna be…fixed up again.”

Johnny saw a truck coming towards his direction. I will end it here, he thought. He laid in the middle of the road, and waited for the end.

It will be over soon, he thought. The truck roared louder as it raced to where he was laying. He closed his eyes tightly.

The roar slowed to a purr until the truck parked about ten meters away from him. The driver and his buddy came out of the truck. One of them made a funny remark and the other laughed. They went away chuckling.

Bad luck, he thought. “Why?!” he shouted. “I wanna die tonight. Let’s end it here!”

Just then, he heard a car behind him. He turned and saw the headlights. This is it, he thought. He laid down again and waited for death.